Hi there. I've been posting on the Infidelity board, but I'm hoping someone here in Piecing has perhaps dealt with the same stuff I have and could lend some advice, support, and understanding.
To keep it very brief, my H and I have been S'ed for nearly 3 years, largely due to his ambivalence, and now I'm confused, too. I want to save my M, but I don't want to get bit in the a$$ again for the umpteenth time.
Here's my latest post from my thread:
H is pressuring me for an answer (wow, can't believe I'm saying that), and I don't know what to do.
He called me this morning, and we spoke for nearly an hour. He is very adamant about not wanting the D to happen on Tuesday. He says he will move in, he'll start moving his things back over the next couple of weeks or so. He just needs a little more time, and he's sorry that it's taking him so long.
After much discussion, I told him I need some time for myself to think things through. He said what do I need to think about; he thought I wanted to work this out. I said I do but only if he was back in the house and he's not. I don't want to put a stop to this D, then another month goes by, and we're still in the same sitch with him not living here. I don't want to regret having stopped everything, then go through the whole D process again, having to wait another 4 - 6 months. He said that won't happen.
He tells me (wtf!) to think about how good it would be to be a family again, the cozy fires shared, taking the kids to the park, blah blah blah. He said, "Don't you want that?"
I said of course! But we could still try for that even if we went through with the D. We could still try working things out, and if all went well, we could get back together and the rest would follow.
H said no. He's not ok with that. He wants to work it out now, without going through with the D. He told me how he's not even prepared to go on Tuesday, and he doesn't want to go in there looking like an idiot.
TOO FREAKIN' BAD!!! He's known this day was coming for a looooong time, dammit! Ignorance is no excuse.
He again said that he doesn't want the D, and he will move in if I just give him a little more time. All he asks is that I be nice to him. WTF??!!! He sounds like S3 when he can't have something he wants, "Mommy, you be nice to me!"
I asked him what am I doing that he feels isn't nice? H said nothing. He then said, "You have all the control right now."
I said,"H, this has nothing to do with control. This has to do with where I'm at mentally and emotionally right now, and you as well." He said yeah, I was right.
All I asked from him was to let me get off the phone now. I needed some time to myself. He said ok, ok. Then he started talking about the kids and asking me if I thought him moving back in would make them happy. I said I thought S12 and S8 would be delighted, yes. He asked what about S3? I said I don't know. He's still too young; he doesn't understand what that means. (H moved out when he was still a baby, so sadly, he doesn't quite have the same type of bond with H like S12 and S8 do. It's not nearly as strong. S3 knows that H is 'Dad', but does S3 know what that really means?)
After that, he told me about some things going on at work, then finally said goodbye after asking me to be sure to call him back this afternoon. I said alright, I would.
I don't know what to do!!!
I want to give my boys the chance to have both parents back in their day-to-day lives. I want to give the R a chance. I want to make the right choice.
I don't want to be sorry for making another bad decision. I don't want to regret having stopped everything because nothing happened again. I don't want this next month to go by and see that H still isn't back.
Somebody help please!!!
If you need more info, please ask.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I know you are not doing a survey, but this has been my experience. I was divorced in my early 30's with three sons. They suffered very much and I was not especially happier. I think I should have tried to reconcile. I was really a runaway wife. Your situation is different but since you seem ambivalent I hope that you do what is best for your boys. Maybe deferring the big decision would be okay.
My sons struggled with 'joint custody'. That is nice arrangement for parents but difficult for kids. Maybe you have a civilized routine already. I did not read backwards. Parenting is more difficult as they grow, not less. If it is possible to reinvent a good partnership with your husband, it would help your sons. That is the only thing I do know. My boys have told me.
The marriage problems that brought me to this board were to do with my second marriage. I am still haunted by my first...
I think trying very hard to fix things with your husband might be the right thing. At least for the kids. I am here to suggest some future partner will probably not be an improvement. The Brady Bunch was a fairytale. Step families are fraught with problems from what I know of them.
It is possible that everything will be better if you divorce, but I don't think it is likely. People keep making the same mistakes. Even divorced you will still be struggling with same problems but without the resources of security and the odd comfort that marriage seems to provide.
I feel crazy for offering any comments, but I found divorce to be traumatic. I am in favor of avoiding it, if possible.
Thanks, kikifree, and thank you, Flicka, for your advice. I really appreciate it!
I have made my decision, and here's part of my post from this evening.
So here's what I've decided:
As I discussed with my sister, I want to be absolutely certain that I have done everything I possibly could to save my M. So although I said in my very first post that I didn't want to do this, I am going to ask for a continuance. That will give H approx. 8 weeks to SHOW me he wants this M, and I can handle 8 weeks much better than having to wait another 4 - 6 months if I were to completely stop the D and refile again. I told H that if 4, 5, 6 weeks go by, and still nothing, there will be no more chances. That will be it. (Uh oh, sounding like my mother there! )
H hugged me several times and gave me a little kiss before he left for work. He said I won't regret this and that he is going to start moving his things back in this week. We will see.
I believe I'm doing the right thing. Not just for my family, but for me as well. Thanks again!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
I will read backwards, and you and your husband can try hard to make things right for your kids and each other. I do admire you and him for giving your partnership a good chance to succeed.
Showing your kids that you are not a quitters is right on.
GF, I am glad you decided to give your H a chance...maybe a continuance was better than calling the D off. That shows him that things HAVE to change. I haven't read your sitch, but I will try to do that.
I think a lot of LBS feel the way you do. We go through so much hurt and do so much to work on ourselves while the WAS does nothing to work on themselves. They still have the same problems and the same complaints (at least my H did). This was hard for me to deal with...but I have to give him time to catch up with me. Hopefully your H will take the next 8 weeks and work on himself and your M.
...maybe a continuance was better than calling the D off.
I really believe this was the better decision to make.
Quote:
I think a lot of LBS feel the way you do. We go through so much hurt and do so much to work on ourselves while the WAS does nothing to work on themselves. They still have the same problems and the same complaints (at least my H did). This was hard for me to deal with...but I have to give him time to catch up with me.
Couldn't agree with you more, and the same problems, same complaints are still there from my H, too. I have to continue to work on his number one complaint which is a hard one for me, but I would also like some understanding from him and a little leeway. I don't feel that's too much to ask for. I've tried talking (always calmly) to him about it, but he doesn't "get it". He says he's not perfect and can't just implant a chip into his brain to remember this. IOW, he can't control his reactions. I've learned to control mine, and honestly, I've become very successful at it; I just wish he would try, too.
I believe the toughest work has yet to come.
Thanks, klm! I'm very grateful for everyone's support and understanding here. It helps immensely!
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
A good book to help with reconciliation is "Getting Back Together." You might find some useful stuff there. Also, DB has a great section in it about using... I think it's CBT? (someone correct me if I'm wrong), in helping work through problems. Whatever it is it's a very effective method of dealing with normal relationship problems.
I'll have to pull my book out and look for that chapter....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Whew! I just caught up on your sitch. Was your H acting the same way when the D was called off last year? Is he willing to go to MC? I think you are voicing your concerns to him but he isn't hearing them, maybe a MC could help with this disconnect.
I usually wouldn't say you should pressure him to move back in but the problem is that your H runs when the going gets tough. At the first sign of conflict he leaves....maybe if he didn't have anywhere to run it would help. Right now he can just go to "his place", and doesn't really have to put anyone out.
From your last few posts on your other thread it seems he really wants to work on it. Give him a chance, but you have to stick to your guns if he doesn't follow through.
