I've been off the boards for a long time just trying to deal on my own. Broken Tree has convinced me to give posting another shot. Here's my story:
MLC-WAW asked me to move out last Fall. I never left and we're both still living there with me in another room on the couch. Two beautiful kids and a good life but she doesn't want it anymore. No OP for either of us, nothing unforgivable to blame except I wasn't enough of a partner, she's unhappy and wants to be on her own to take care of the kids, says she has no feelings for me anymore. I would love to give her space, but don't want to be apart from my kids and can't afford to live anywhere else either. Plus of course, I want to work on things. She's really committed to ending it and I'm starting to believe she's not coming back to the R. I'm consumed with guilt and fear for the kids and am really having a hard time with everything. The though of even a night away from them is horrible. I miss my family the way it was, scared of the future for my family and cannot seem to accept things. She is a great mother and my kids deserve a strong family. I'm still searching for "the answer" and can't get my mind off of things. She wants me to agree to a separation but I just can't.
I've done 180 (helping out more), PMA but she doesn't believe the changes even though I love the way I am now. I think she's built up so many walls to stop her from considering coming back that I might not be able to get through. I'm terrified and panicked all the time, but I try not to let her see it at all. Nobody wants that in a partner, but what can I do? Everything I try seems to be taken the wrong way.
If anyone has questions or advice, please fire away. I'm ready to start talking about this again. It's too hard alone.
If you men want to know what women really want and need, go to this site and give them your email address and you will receive a free daily newsletter written by a man to men about women. It is great! Hope you will pass it along.
Also, Michelle's books are on Amazon and the used books start at 13 cents plus 3.99 S&H. All that I have bought that were used were in very good condition. Hope you will spread the word to anyone that can't pay regular price right now.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi, do you get paid by piece work? how many places did you post this? would you mind sending it to my H?
trying, it's tough being separated under the same roof. I've been there for years. I sure wish I knew what to say that would cause the magic wand to make it better for us. It takes a long time to crumble the brick walls they have built.
IMO it is good you did not leave the house. It's not easy to stay, but if you haven't already do check your legal rights if you are 'forced' to leave.
Keep your chin up.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Sound like there are a lot of people in the same boat. It is miserable. What has helped me is to acept that I am in a bad spot right now, the toughest part of my life. It will not last forever and in the end i know I will be loved and cherished. Accept it and deal. Also it changes everyday, I feel better every day and i know that my babe is hurting a lot more than me which does not comfort me. I wish I could help her but I know I can not. She is going to need to figure this one out herself. I have also found that not matter what I say she she does not hear me but what I do has a huge impact.
No Sweetie, I don't get paid. Somebody asked me if I got the money for the books and I am so sorry b/c I wasn't suppose to post that information. But for the record, I do not get anything from anything or anybody! I found it and was trying to help somebody that didn't have the money to order the book at full price. I was so excited when I found it that I thought what a great way to help others and pass it along. You know, save a marriage or so. I didn't realize that was spamming and I got banned from the board until today.
If anyone else asks about why I did it, please pass the information around. I stayed up almost half the night posting, until I was kicked off. I thought they had deleted most of them, but maybe not.
I was just trying to help. Seems like people over reacted about it showing up on their thread when I had never posted to them before. I was just going down the list trying to find all the men...lol. So, I've already been called waco.....I'm moving along to see what else I was called and try to explain myself. Maybe you can help if you see a post about it.
Thanks, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It will not last forever and in the end i know I will be loved and cherished. Accept it and deal. Also it changes everyday, I feel better every day and i know that my babe is hurting a lot more than me which does not comfort me. I wish I could help her but I know I can not. She is going to need to figure this one out herself. I have also found that not matter what I say she she does not hear me but what I do has a huge impact.
Well said. Your very unlikely to change her mind right now. she is on a journey, it is her journey and it really has very little to do with you. You must stand aside and let her find her way. If she is asking for space, give it to her.
Make your changes for yourself and don't throw them in her face. She will notice on her own and she will react to them when she is ready.
Personally, I think separation is good for these situation. It allows the space and freedom that she thinks that she wants. It also allows her to find out that the grass isn't greener. As long as you live together, she may resent you and believe you are holding her back from her fantasy. However, The big problem with this is that it is hell on the kids.
I feel for you, I have felt the same in the past as you do right now. All of us here have. However, believe me, the pain does dull to the point where it will be your convictions that drive you. There is no magic thing you can say or do. I spent months looking myself. I believe the best thing you can do is nothing. Spend your time working on yourself.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
"Personally, I think separation is good for these situation. It allows the space and freedom that she thinks that she wants. It also allows her to find out that the grass isn't greener. As long as you live together, she may resent you and believe you are holding her back from her fantasy. However, The big problem with this is that it is hell on the kids."
This is exactly what i am struggling with now. I, in reality should go get my own place but it would take a huge toll on my lovely healthy kids. My beleif is that this is her issue and she should own it not me. I LOVE her and nothing has changed for me. I also LOVE my children and could not imagin a day without them. We have a rhythm in our house, almost a music, that starts in the early morning and lasts all day. This lovely music is now being interupted by a loud, instrument that we did not invited.
My view is she should leave and find what she is looking for. I don't believe it is out there but she does and should go find it if she may. If she stays here with the big house and all the kids issue she will only become madder. I think she should go find a very simple to take care of place so she can chase this dream.
If I leave it will only increase the pressureon her and it will become the kids problem and mine and she will only resent us for it. I am not leaving, she may if she likes. I REALLY believe she is in great pain making this decision. Until she makes this decision we are in a great painful stalemate.
BT - I don't know if your thinking is wrong, but it it's exactly what I'm thinking too. I take comfort in the fact that I'm "sticking it out" no matter what she throws at me, and I've been having a great time with my kids.
I made a promise to stick it out no matter what and I'm going to until I'm forced to do something else. I do believe she's in pain, and accept that my being there is probably causing more, or at least resentment. For me there's just no other option right now though. She would love it if I just up and left but I don't see that as the right decision for me or the kids.
It's a nightmare for sure, but hope (even if I'm kidding myself) seems like the right attitude. I take the crumbs she throws, remain as supportive as I can without getting in the way, and am the best dad I can be. It's incredibly hard, but at least it's a positive path.
My struggle now is to stop worrying about what she'll do next. If she chooses to force me out somehow, nothing else I can do about it so I have to try and stop stressing. I'll just show love and take the hits. Sap, chump, wimp...maybe, but my only other option is to go negative and then we all lose for sure.
Hang in there everyone.
Me:37 WAW:35 M:10 T:15 Ds:9, 5 She Dropped Bomb:9/02/07 Both still at home
