Thanks for the pep talk JJ. These are all things I need to keep in mind.
I may update frequently because I can tell things are changing and moving. NO question - we are not even remotely out of the woods - he's still dealing with A LOT. (guilt and ow aftermath) But his attitude is quite different. He's just more THERE. It's like we've moved out of "intention mode" and into "action mode", even though there's still lingering baggage from the last chapter. It's exciting but I'm more cautious than ever - so much has happened that I am very afraid to trust.
We have in fact spent the last three days together and already, the comfort zone is much better than it was. We have done things from OR talks to playing Nintendo (silly- but one of our old faves). Sometimes it feels like it used to when things were good. Relaxed.
baby steps:
We're going away tomorrow night for the weekend. He put our photo back up. He asked me to put my rings back on. He's wearing his. He told me where his box of ow stuff is and I admitted to the snooping I have done. We are slowly filling in some blanks there.
An old friend showed up at the house last night while we were there and it shocked him to see me there - he asked what was going on with us, and H told him we were getting back together, that he'd been with someone else but realized he still loves his wife and we want to work it out.
We have been considering an oppurtunity to rent the house to someone else for awhile and he said he's changed his mind and would rather we work towards my moving back. I had to tell him that I want him to be sure and not feel pressured...
I just want to post and wish you the best of luck. I've kept track of your journey for quite a while and I think you're doing great!
I second JJ's thoughts on just saving the OR talks for joint counseling. I kept on that track for a long time and it eventually helped H feel much more comfortable with me.
Then it doesn't make them feel like they're waiting for the bomb to drop every time they see you (ha ha funny analogy).
I didn't hold back in counseling but we were both ok with that becuase she was there to make sure we didn't back track or get stuck on an irrelevent topic.
In fact, a month ago H asked if we could get together before our joint session so we'd have a plan and after dinner together he started the conversation-a first!
Again best of luck to you and your h! You've worked hard and you'll be ok no matter what life dishes out to ya.
Nice to hear from you, I have been wondering how you've been doing. I'm glad you are still in the C, and that there is some movement. (got any more updates for us?) Keep us posted!
It's a very good point about +having the OR talks in joint counselling, to help both feel safe and avoid the potholes... Back in October, H said he wanted us to go for counselling, but he wanted to go alone first for awhile. And that's been about 2 months (quite intense). I think this weekend I might ask him about the joint sessions- if he's ready to start that yet. Thanks for the reminder.
I laughed out loud over the bomb statement- I can't wait to remove that word from the vocabulary!!!
"Since H was staying elsewhere for the holiday, I took the opportunity to go to our house and do a “cleansing” – sounds silly, but I burned dried Sage leaves in all the rooms as a way of getting rid of negative “vibes”."
I like that! That's been a difficult thing for us, om was living in our house for a while. For a long time, there were constant reminders and evidence of this. W's been pretty good about trying to change and fix some of this.
You might keep the thought of doing some remodeling and redecorating when (or before) you move back in (positive thinking, right?!). It helps to "exorcise" some of the "bad ju-ju demons" out of the house! (Wolfbane and garlic helps also!)
It helps to get things off to a fresher start, helps in creating a NEW life together! Something that the two of you can do together, and hopefully have fun with!
[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Jamesjohn ]
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Yes, the "cleansing" was part of that idea, JJ- a new start for the New Year. It really has helped a lot. I feel much more comfortable there since. Mind you, H is responsible for part of that too. He's a lot more relaxed having me there, and I can feel a difference.
I'd love to remodel, but finances will prevent that. When we get to that point (thinking positively ), I'd like to make several smaller changes that will be fun to plan together. One room we had never done any work on before was the bedroom so I think we could start there- start by switching it to another room. Get new bedding, little things like that.
I ordered my tapes for the new KLA group. I hope they are a) not sold out and b) make it to me in time. J I’m really excited about this because I need to sharpen my DB brain that’s been dulled by all the activity.
Two weeks and I think it’s going well. Our weekend away (last weekend) was a good step. The high points were laughing and talking over dinner the first night- feeling relaxed, and night number two drinking champagne and staying in – just relaxing. We ran out of champagne so I offered to go find us more – I took charge ! Low points were: Saturday afternoon when we felt a little awkward “so what do we do now” kind of thing (OW came up too) and Sunday when we drove home - a good OR talk turned a little too sensitive, but we recovered well. When I got to my apartment after almost all week with H (and fresh from that bumpy OR talk) I felt “oh yeah, I still live HERE”… I got a little down. I’m having some trouble with that. (which is entirely me). This past week, another big week. We spent three nights together at the house. Woke up one morning to realize it was the one year anniversary of a very painful day in our separation. I didn’t want it to affect us, but it was too big to ignore. We talked about it briefly and carefully. The best part of that was to be able to look back and think how we’re in a much different/better place now. (hopefully). What a difference a year makes! Friday night, H had his daughter, so I went out with friends and RAN INTO OW # 1– the one that led to OW #2. I don’t know if I have ever mentioned her, but I have only really known for sure for a couple of months now. I learned through my snooping, and I waited a long time to tell H that I knew about her (until I was strong enough to do it in a good way). We hadn’t talked any more about it, but Friday night I confronted her! I wasn’t sure when H and I would talk about it, but I needed the closure for myself so I did it, and I’m very pleased with how I handled it. I did not attack, we just talked. And it was really ok. This opened it up for H and I to talk about it last night, which was scary for both at first, but went ok, too. Yea, a lot is happening fast. I have to admit, I’m having trouble quieting my thoughts. I have fallen into some insecurity traps - afraid to trust when things are peaceful. So I am going to reread DR, and I’m think KLA is just the kick I need to stay in line! I have been here before, and I want it to work this time. H is putting his heart into this, I really think. I have to remember to breathe.
Thought I'd post an update while I'm still waiting for my KLA tapes to arrive...
Had a really great weekend with H - I let him set the pace. I stayed over 3 nights (Thurs- Sat) and did my own thing during the days...
He played a small gig (he's a musician) Saturday night, which was a blast. It especially good for him to be able to do that - he hasn't been out to play much this past year he needs it (used to be a problem) plus lots of our mutual friends and some damaged fences Felt really good.
Small thing: When we got back to the normal routine this week though (work, etc.), I notice myself nervously looking around for potential bombs - why IS that?? Things are going really well, but I'm paranoid it's going to go sideways.
I don't want to be always asking him if anything is wrong just because I'm afraid. I've created a couple of unnecessary mountains out of molehills that way. Yeeeesh. I know better than that.
I know, from this guys point of view anyway, that 2 things men hate to hear is "Is there something wrong?", and "We need to talk"!
You'll probably be doing good at staying away from these statements. Maybe just open up the door by reassuring him that you're available for him if he wants to talk. If he wants to talk to you about ow, it is then ok to get the cast iron frying pan and hit him over the head!
It's very understandable to be paranoid right now. After all, how much crap have we all been through?! I'm doing great, and still get scared at times. The fear does eventually come less often, and doesn't last near as long.
You go, girl! you're doing great! Enjoy the good times, and use these times to grow closer.
Glad you got your tapes, and looking forward to doing the group with you! It's already off to a GREAT start! See you there!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
I got a little overwhelmed a few weeks back, between what’s been going on in my situation and trying to keep up with the KLA program, so I took a little “cave” time.
It's LRT time, I have been thinking hard about it.
For the last 3 weeks, I have been avoiding OR talks. We’ve got a new pattern- a week of dark/dim, then he calls and wants to talk. I use the time away to regroup but by the time he calls, I don’t want to talk - I’m afraid of what he’s going to say. So we get together and do something other than talk (sex, play air hockey, go for a drive).
I have an ominous feeling he wants to talk so he can say he has taken the time to think and he wants a D. I think he is also planning to move away to be with OW (where we were last Sept). I don’t know these things for sure. We have been enjoying the ittle time together. Really getting the hang of that, ironically. He has been taking down some barriers (like me being around his family or his Daughter) but I am worried he's doing that for "closure".
I think there are a couple of options for LRT- I would like to get others’ feedback, please. Part of me wants to be selfish right now and tell him I don’t want him to disrupt my life (No OR talks) for a while. No contact, even, if necessary to avoid the talks. I need a break from the constant fear to think clearly. (sometimes that is possible) I hate to admnit it, but my work was really suffering a little while back. I also don’t want to feel like everything has to be on his timeline. I have to admit that I am afraid, (terrified) and I know this may simply be “stalling” which is not productive, either. He seems to be relieved sometimes when we do something other than talk, too, but I think it may reach a critical point soon. I know putting off OR talks about D is dangerous (I’m not even sure that’s what it’ll be). There are a lot of details to work out. I told him before I would not stop him from getting D, but he’d have to do it. A paranoid part of me thinks he’s already been doing that.)
Another option I see is to go the opposite route - try to be as cooperative as I can be - hear out what he wants to say and help him do what he wants to do. I still want closeness with him. If he IS planning to move, then I don’t want to miss out on a chance to be close before he goes. (Painful as it is) I am afraid to jeopardize that precious time, too. I do want him to be happy. I think he is making a mistake to leave his daughter and his life- but only he can decide what to do, and I won't assume to know what is best for him anymore. I panic when I think I may not have any contact with him at all if he goes (doubtful OW will allow it). I don't want those feelings to cloud my seeing possible solutions.
JJ ? Kent? Anyone? I am trying to keep in mind that I will be ok no matter what. Sometimes it even works. But then I remember that pressure of time running out. I am more afraid of his moving away than of D now, (only marginally)- when I break down those fears, it is not about money or material things, that stuff is not really important to me. My "people" are, and he is one of the most important ones there have ever been. I need to have a cool head.
Do you see other options?
I also thought of simply telling him this. That I feel cornered and despite the fact that he’s been kind to me lately and we both want things to be good between us, I need to take the pressure off somehow. I will try to get there for both our sakes. I think he would be understanding to a point, as I have just not put boundaries like that before. Yeesh. Have I just made a mess of DBing too?
![[Mad]](images/icons/mad.gif){kind=icon}
I don't want those feelings to cloud my seeing possible solutions.