Posted this three places but am especially interested to hear what you piecing folks think of this:
I'm an old timer who doesn't come around much any more. Doing pretty well with staying busy rebuilding my own life. I'm going to get through this as well as I can figure and will live to tell about it here--I PROMISE.
Here's the situation: H birthday is today. Yesterday, 2 1/2 year post his affair, while unpacking boxes I found an old birthday present he'd received from the OW, a little bracelet, very little. Great, another ah- ha, just what I needed, this was a sex toy! How stupid can a wife be! How heartless can a husband be to bring something like that home. Sorry, I'm whining but it feels like I've been shot in the gut again. Now, I find it years later. Will the woundings never end? Can't I once and for all accept that this happened with more terrible details than I will ever know and somehow steal myself to the ones that I stumble upon. There are more rotten aspects concerning significant dates that make all this especially difficult.
I have decided not to bring it to his attention--what would that accomplish? (This is progress because anger has gotten the better of me in the past.) I've decided to bury it in the back yard. We are in temporary housing and I like the idea of leaving this behind with all the other painfulness of this phase of our lives.
On top of this my H has been working every waking moment (at least I hope that's what he's doing)and we've had almost no contact for over a month. It feels worse than it was during the affair, in that it's like he's become a stranger. And now I'm called on to give him a happy birthday.
All good wishes, prayers, words of wisdom, are deeply appreciated and I'll do my best to pass them along to others in time.
Finding that stuff sucks! I'm wondering if finding the gift was just the icing on the cake. Why is H working so much? Sounds like there needs to be a change with where his attention is focused. Why not voice your needs. Hmmmm! perhaps you can procure some tickets for a little getaway vacation for the two of you.
Cheer up Altl, we all have these kind of days. You sense a problem. Start looking for solutions. I know you can do it.
Just posted a long (from me?-hard to believe, I know!!!) reply on NC re this...but just to add to what Kent said above...
It is pretty easy to sense when something is 'not right', but be careful and go slow before trying to fix whatever you think it is-and make sure it needs fixing at all. I know you know all this, and have been at it for a while (you old-timer you!!).
In my own experience, a few times when I have felt that something's not been right b/t H and I (post A and during rebuilding), and I have been way off. At least that's what H tells me, and I have to believe him (180 for me). He, like your H ALTL, is not the typical alien. My h tends to be introverted....when I think he's thinking or feeling something-I have to stop myself from assuming, and I ask-if he says 'nothing' I drop it (another big 180 for me).
At any rate, once again, let me say I know how you feel....for what ever it's worth!
L p.s. not to contradict myself or anything, but pay close attention to your 'gut'...mine has unfortunately proven to be right 99.9999% of the time.....
Yes, Kent, you got it right again buddy, my mantra needs to be "chill, relax, calm down, you've been here before, you know what to do, you can deal with it". I've done much better with remembering it lately. I did do a great job with the birthday. I hurt but it didn't show and I enjoyed the music and the food. I even enjoyed that he had a good time. There were a couple of times when he said things that would make anyone in my situation furious but I was sweet as could be.
The next day I tried to talk about my needs. Unfortunately, it just reinforced what I've been experiencing over the past 9 months or so: expressing a need seems to guarentee it won't be met. So onward with taking care of myself! I'm giving up on OR talks again.
Thanks Me2. I'm glad you are still here as I remember how our H's have a lot in common and that we are both the type that feel we need to understand. Both needing lots of patience and an ability to let go when all the thinking in the world is not going to make things any clearer.
As I posted in the Newbie section, I read David's friendship to love and passion thread that Australian posted in his wonderful one-stop-best-of-DB posting in that section. I found this inspiring. Anyone here want to focus on some of these ideas and figure out how to pull them off?
PS My story is on the next page if anyone wants some background. I'm determined to do my best to create a better me and a better marriage!
[ October 02, 2001: Message edited by: alottolearn ]
