Like others on this BB, I too had a WAS who I thought would never come home. While we were only separated 3 mos, it felt like years. Our situation had to do with a lot of reactivity b/w us due to some family tragedies. However, our separation had been in the making ever since we got married over 2 years ago. The transition from living in our separate pads to living together, was more of a shock than we anticipated. Dealing with the different personalities, habits, moods, etc. proved to be a huge challenge for the both of us. Whenever we fought, we would say a lot of things we didn't mean and therefore, the resentment was building. My H had left me and didn't call/call back for 3 weeks. We spent our 2nd anniversary apart with no communication. It took the following principles taken from the wonderful DB book as well as advice from wise dbers that helped me tremendously:
*180-ing - which proved to be quite challenging b/c we weren't really seeing much of/calling ea. other. When my H initially left, I had to STOP calling him and WAIT for him to call back. I basically kept doing what worked and doing something different if it didn’t.
*Like others have indicated in their success stories, NO OR TALK!!!!
*I was the first to leave the restaurant if we saw ea. other for dinner. I was the first to end the phone calls. I became very business-like which drove my H crazy.
*Detach lovingly. Allow the WA's their space. They're going to take it anyway and the more understanding you could be, the better possibility of a favorable outcome.
*Act as if...I acted as if everything was great with me, that I was a lot of fun to be around, etc. For some time, my H had seen me as someone who was very uptight and not much in the way of company.(I guess the last part can be seen as a 180.)
When I had met with my H at a restaurant the last time, I got up from the table to say it was great seeing him but I needed to go. He looked at me in a state of bewilderment and reached over and gave me a long kiss good-bye. I went on a trip after our meeting. When I got back, I left him a vm saying I was hurt and confused by the way we said goodbye at the restaurant. H came right over and I asked the question, why the kiss? His response was that he still had feelings for me and was attracted but wasn't sure if we could live together. My rebut was 'who the heck can?' I think this got his attention. While one of the bullet pts. above was not to bring up OR talks, I still felt I needed to find out where H was coming from after the affection he showed me at the resturant. It was more about setting boundaries. After we talked, we went for a ride in his vintage car and learned how to have fun with ea. other for the first time in a while. Following this visit, he asked me out for a date the following Sat. which I volunteered to make dinner at our house. Times before, I wore my ring but this time I opted to not wear it this time (another 180)and I think it bugged my H (albeit, he wasn't wearing his either). It was after dinner H announced he wanted to come home. We dated for the next few weeks and then H moved back--for good!
There were other books which were very helpful too:
*Winning Your Husband Back (Gary Smalley)
*How to Save Your Marriage Alone (Ed Wheat)
*His Needs, Her Needs
But ultimately, it took the power or prayer and the belief that it was part of God's plan for us to reconcile. I prayed like never before for healing. I truly believe God's hand was in the healing of our marriage. I also asked for the Lord to give me strength and the staying power for our marriage (even though there were days I wanted to quit and get an attorney) and to soften H's heart.
One more thing...DBing doesn't stop here. I realize this will be a lifelong exercise and process. Thanks Michele and all of you who gave me such sound advice and moral support!
Welcome to the "success story" grp. and thank you for sharing the techniques you have been using to "wake up" your H to the fact that he really DOES love you and that you are great to be around.
Fortunately your crisis was a brief one compared to many,but that doesn't mean it was any less painful or devastating.
You are a very wise and courageous woman to have tackled the situation head on and as a result, make so many significant changes in yourself.It works...doesn't it?
I have learned following my own success,this is only the beginning. Principles of DBing are important tools in strengthening your relationship and in avoiding "slips'.
Hooray for you...stay in touch and continue to help youself as well the many others who are working so hard to have a similar outcome!
Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 08-21-2001).]
Thank you for the well wishing! I will definitely keep in touch as well as offer any advice or suggestions to those who are new or still going through the painful experience of separation and the unknown.
First off, congratulations on your accomplishments. Not only with your husband, but with yourself as well. You sound like a strong, determined woman and it is inspiring to read stories like yours.
I do have one question though. When you and your H weren't communicating, who initiated the first contact? and why?
Thank you and I wish you all the best. Kathy
For in the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught. - B. Dioum
I do have one question though. When you and your H weren't communicating, who initiated the first contact? and why?
My H made the initial contact but that was to tell me that he wanted a trial separation. It was after that time I called him and asked for a meeting to get clarity around the separation (i.e., should it be controlled, how long, etc.). While this was our second meeting, I didn't make much headway in getting the answers I wanted. My older sister knew me and my relationship well, and went through almost the same situation, only longer and there was ow involved. Since she was an expert, she was able to see my H's love bank (W. Harley His Needs Her Needs) and advised me to reach out via email as that posed less of a threat and didn't put H on the spot. In my emails, I asked if we could get together for happy hour or dinner. There were times H told me he would call and didn't to set something up. There were also others where he would cancel at the ninth hour. If H did any of the above, I generally laid down boundaries saying something like 'it's one thing to have something come up, but I would appreciate if you could give me more notice....if you say you're going to call me on your own volition, I would appreciate hearing from you...'. I kept my expectations very low each time I would say such things (which was only a couple times). I think H appreciated I was sticking up for myself that I wouldn't accept crumbs but that I wasn't totally unreasonable and angry about it either. It's all about boundaries. My medium for communication became email. Another observation, after my H blew me off those couple of times and I laid down boundaries, I also realized H needed to do the pursuing since I had set up the date(s) in the past. Another book details this to some degree in terms of the pursuer/distancer concept and is very insightful. Let H miss you and do the reachin' out sometimes. I don't know your situation but it seemed my H had a negative love bank balance on account of my withdrawing some love and affection before he left. H didn't leave b/c of an ow, job, etc. We had a lot of emotional reactivity that went on for months and a little over the 2 years we've been married. I think it all depends on the circumstances. H was feeling angry and once that anger disappeared, other emotions crept up (i.e., sadness, fear,feelings of loss, etc.).
I hope my rambling helped you to some degree. If not, ask for clarity and I will reply. Also, if you could let me know a little about your situation, this would be helpful.
Thank you for your response. I asked b/c my H and I have not had any contact in almost 2 months (3 months separated).
Background: Married 9 months now, sep 3. H has history of depression. Decided to go back to school. I supported decision but,at one point led him to believe i wouldnt go with him. Eventually we agree, plan everything, than he drops the bomb. I don't know exactly what happened. He was/in a state of depression-but refused help. I received the love-not-in-love speech. No spark. Not attracted. It's all him not me. blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, we went our separated ways. Him to TX, me to my parents (NC). I've consulted w/Arnold, friends, family...most suggest moving closer to him. Can't see any other way. My plan would be to move ~80mls away, get a job w/my dream co. and hopefully start dating him. Something we seriously lacked in OR. Mentioned this to H few months back and he said it would be nice to have me there. But it would be more like friends.
Unfortunately, we aren't talking. I went dark, for whatever reason. maybe to escape for awhile. I e-mailed him to break the ice, but he never responded. He didn't remember my b-day either. I called last night, and got a vm on his cell phone. he could either have had it turned off or saw my # on i.d. and ignored it.
How far can you push contact when they don't respond? I don't want to make anything worse by seeming like i'm pursuing. Any ideas?
I wish more people posted on this topic. it would give us all so much more hope.
Thanks, kathy
For in the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught. - B. Dioum
Thank you for the background. If your husband is going through a depression and won't get the help, your hands are tied other than keep working on yourself. I wish I had something better to relay. You may opt to send periodic emails asking how he's doing with no hidden agenda (i.e., getting together, moving closer,etc.). Just a thought. The 'I don't love you anymore' is alien talk. The depression is likely under this guise b/c he needs to have something to blame his current condition. Often it takes a person to really hit bottom before one takes action to get better. I know this personally. When I was feeling depressed both clinically and circumstantially, I went through periods of anxiety and then depression and it took my physical health to deteriorate before I got help. I wish I had a more optimistic response. The most you could do for the situation is to take care of YOURSELF whether through pampering or counseling and getting on with your life. It's really hard but you've made it this far, right? First and foremost, God does play a huge role in all of this and I prayed like never before when my H left. God gave me the peace and serenity around this dilemma and I prayed specifically that my H's heart softened which it finally did.
Does H have any medicators? Has he gone through any life changes besides the obvious of getting married? You both are so new at this marriage thing and I can tell you my first year was probably the hardest. Most would attest to this as well. How long did you guys date/live together before the wedding? If you guys have a long history (which is relative but perhaps you were together for a few years), this will be in your favor as well. Does your H have any medicators? If so, this will only serve him for a time and then H may realize they don't work. Has H made any kind of niche in TX? Does H have family there? Again, I ask these questions b/c if you answered 'yes' to any/all of the above, it may take some time. My H didn't have a lot of friends but his family came in every other w/end or he went to see them and he worked A LOT which gave him a lot of diversions.
The bottom line, keep working on yourself, first and foremost have faith you both will reconcile (many would argue this could set one up for let down but I disagree, w/o hope, what do you have), and mostly pray for H that he gets what he needs and you get the peace and comfort knowing God is much bigger than all of this and can mend any broken marriage. My prayer for my H was that God soften his heart since he was so angry but also to search my heart in terms of where I went wrong. Very humbling but well worth doing the self inventory. Another thing to remember, patience is a must and detach lovingly. The more you are concerned with taking care of YOURSELF, the better your chances. If H is still being resistant or not responding, you may have to wait longer. Time may seem like the enemy but it may also be the very thing that will be the glue. I can tell you my relationship has never been better. I am definitely doing things differently than before and H has taken notice. Before H left me, I was so concerned with taking care of him and not myself which led to my resentment of why he wasn't taking care of MY needs. Not a healthy scenario. While we were apart, I worked on getting my self esteem back, got together with family and friends (A LOT) and planned fun outings/trips. It took a lot out of me and at times I was simply going through the motions but it sure beat sitting around wondering if it was going to work out b/w us. Are you currently working and do you like what you do? Do you have people who are supporting you?
Keep your chin up. It may just take time and ultimately faith all will fall into place. And for some reason if it doesn't, you don't want expend all your psychic energy nor time waiting and pining. For me I had to realize that my H coming/not coming back was out of my control. What was in my control was how I responded to it.
I hope this helps. If you would ever want to correspond via email, my address is: sarahlfuller@hotmail.com. Sorry for all the babble speak
Thanks for replying. I'll try to answer some of your questions but i'm sure i'll forget something.
My H has had a history of depression. He told me that it wasn't the depression causing the problems, it was that he was unhappy??? He tried going on paxil, for 1 month but took himself off after we split, saying he didn't need it anymore. Logical right? Well, anyway he refuses counseling because he believes they can't tell him how to feel. Nor can they make him love his wife. He has told me that we could stay together but my life would be miserable (because his is). Everything he told me was for the best for me. Never him (so he said). Sometimes I wonder if I left too soon. Perhaps i should have stayed and we could've worked through it. However, i didn't find DB until after....
Anyway, our relationship began as long distance, but traveled as much as possible to see each other. We knew our first year was going to be tough b/c of all our stressors. Newlyweds, not much money, needing to move, hating where we lived, plus his believing I was giving up my career for him (couldn't work at what I do where he is). During this time he decided to go to school which added extra stress (PhD). And his depression. I think his trigger was that after the high of the wedding and right after was the holidays, he just started to come down and it got bad w/ the stress.
So he is now in TX and I'm here. I'm not really working and have to find something permanent. My H is alone in tx. No family and a few friends from school. He has moved in with a roommate from his lab and is basically really busy with school. There is a lot to do where he is, but he doesn't have that much money to do it. He has told me that sometimes it feels like it did in IN (where we lived), all he did was sit in front of the computer and play games.
Other than that, I really don't know much. Like I said, we haven't talked much lately. I consulted Arnold and we talked about me moving to TX (see my thread on newcomers). I would be able to live ~80miles from him and work for a co. that I've always wanted to. I've made up my mind to do that, but now i'm beginning to have doubts. Doubts that he even cares for me anymore, let alone would want to talk to me. I have to tell my family and I know they will not be thrilled.
I know the move would seem like i'm pursuing. But even arnold couldn't see any other way. he said my sitch is unique and that since my H is stuck there, the only thing left is for me to go there. He suggested we date. Something we rarely did in the beginning b/c of the distance. it is also a time when my H felt closest to me. it was a need that we didn't meet most of the time.
Well, i've rambled enough, sorry for this being long. I appreciate you taking the time to write back. Like I said, it helps talking to someone whose hope made a difference.
Take care, Kathy
For in the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught. - B. Dioum
What great news! Congratulations, Sarah, guess I need to post your story in the right forum, right? Thanks for the suggestions and inspiration and great advice to others. You're right, DBing is a full-time, life-long occupation. Keep up the absolutely great work! Michele
Thanks for the suggestions and inspiration and great advice to others. You're right, DBing is a full-time, life-long occupation. Keep up the absolutely great work!