Ok, I just came here from the MLC Forum, and I hope I belong here.
My H just returned to me for a third swing at things.
*We were together for 13 yrs and married for 7 & 1/2 of those, *then he left me with a dear john letter for four months, *he returned to me for 5 months of piecing, *then left me again a week before christmas this year *and now he is saying he truely is ready to work on our marriage.
I know to take things slower this time around and he agrees.
Welcome Tipper! Patience is the hardest part of all of this. Be prepared for him to waiver....be prepared for YOU to waiver. Is there a difference in his attitude this time? Is he willing to go to MC?
KLM, Thanks for responding. I Have very mixed feelings about everything. My H is acting like he knows this is what he truely wants (to work on our M). But he acted this way last summer when he returned to me the first time. I tried so hard to piece things together smoothly last time, and he still got really depressed and ran again on me in Dec. Now that he is back again, I feel like I just don't know how to bring up my issues. When I asked him about going to see a MC, he said:"I will try anything once". Not exactly the answer I was hoping for, and I don't know if either of us would be very comfortable with that situation. TIPPER
Do you know what went wrong last time? Did things move to fast? Did things fall back into the same routine?
As far as bringing up your issues, I struggle with that too. I have found that things do come up in time though. There have been a few times when my H was feeling comfortable around me and brought things up himself. Don't push it and don't try to get everything out at once. R talks are emotionally draining for both of you. It is a slow process. Be his friend and don't judge him. Make him feel comfortable talking to you.
I think MC is good for some situations, but not all. You would both definitely have to go into it honestly and with an open mind. I would say don't push the issue right now.
I don't really know what went wrong the last time. Things seemed to be going great. Then the winter & holidays came & it seemed like he just slipped back into depression. He was also very stressed about starting his new business.
Since he has come back, he said he feels like I just didn't trust him the last time. This is due to the fact that I confronted him about a 21 yr old guy friend he was hanging with that I didn't know & he looked really guilty when he got home late and I am afraid that this is the kid that introduced him to the stripper he was visiting every night when he left me the last time.
To me, I feel like trust needs to be earned back, it is not just granted. He told me last night that I need to trust him. But in our thirteen yrs together, he has cheated on me (EA's & PA's) 3 times, and he has left me twice in this last year - how do I just suddenly trust him?
I am glad to hear your suggestion about not pushing him to do MC. I just don't think it would fly to well. I know that if we start to have issues or a lack of communication - then I will definetly bring it up then and ask him to go with me.
Is he on ADs? Did he get his business started? If not, what is he doing now?
I have also had a hard time with the trust issue. I think that can only be healed with openness and time. What would he have to do to earn your trust back?
As you already know, piecing is a hard process. It takes a lot of patience on your part and a lot of openness on his part.
KLM, He took AD's about three yrs ago, but they made him so sick becuase he drinks too much alcohol. Due to that he stopped taking them. He refused to get therapy or med's now. He just doesn't believe anything other than alcohol will make him happy.
He gave up on his new auto shop business 2 weeks after he opened. He said that now he will just go back to doing his other business which was roofing. He went bankrupt with his roofing business last dec. '06. He wanted to get out of it so badly for years, and now he is going back to it with an open mind and some hope for it to be great.
I think he is like "half-baked" as they say. He really seems to still be in replay to me, which scares me that he will change his mind about our M again. The reasons I feel he is still in replay is that: he visited his stripper friend a week before he returned to me, he is drinking about a case a day, he still wants to hang out with his new friends rather than our old friends, he has snapped at me twice this week we have been together and keeps placing a lot of blame on me, & he still wants nothing to do with our families.
I feel like I cant even bring up any of my issues, as I still feel like I am walking on egg shells. My issues are that he doesn't work everyday like I do, He likes to drink and the go to the bar way too much, he still flirts with other women, he's blaming me for the reasons he left, he got really happy the other day when he earned 3K - which shows he still seeks happiness outside of himself ($). I don't know what to think about the new person he has become.
He used to treat me so well for about 10 years, now he seems to still be so selfish. It is hard for me to respect him the way I used to. This stinks.I wish it were easier for me to forgive him, and trust him, but I feel like I have no reasons to do so yet. I fear that he is all "talk" right now and wont walk the walk. TIPPER
Tipper, I went back and read some of your earlier posts. It seems your H has been having trouble for some time...and he is pretty young. I originally believed my H was in MLC, but he turned around pretty quick...although when I read about it I still believe that is what it was/is.
How long has your H had a drinking problem? I think you should tell him what is going to have to happen for him to come back. If he wants to come back then he will have to put forth the effort. Tell him it will take time and openness for you to be able to trust him again. I am sure you have told him these things...but stick to it. If you don't feel comfortable with him yet then I would suggest that he doesn't stay the night.
I do think you have to move slow and be friends first. I think that is when the trust starts to come back. I don't think we should just jump back into the relationship. You also have to decide if you will be able to trust him and forgive him. It can't be something that you hang over his head or bring up everytime something goes wrong.
KLM, You are so nice to be helping me and giving me suggestions, thank you.
I think I really messed things up bad. We went out the other night to a bar with some friends, and we got a little drunk so he said lets just stay at my apartment. We ended up walking there and for some reason my emotions just erupted.
He said something about being an alcoholic, and I jumped on the opportunity to tell him that I think he drinks way too much and that I dont like how he practically lives at the bars now. This turned into an all out fight. I was crying and yelling and scared. I wanted to go home but he wouldn't let me since I had been drinking. He finally calmed me down and I stayed at his apartment & we slept seperately.
In the morning, I went to go tell him that I was sorry, and when I woke him, he pulled me close and kissed me and we ended up making love for the first time since last dec. ( I knew it wasn't the best thing to do, but I felt so bad about the night before). The scary thing is we had crazy sex that lasted two hours and he couldn't even finish.
Afterwards, he said he knows we have a lot of issues to talk about, but he didn't want to do it then cuz I had to go to my bowling league. I said ok and "get a hold of me", he said he would.
When I got home, I text him: "I am sorry I was such a mess, and i hope I didn't ruin what we had got started, please forgive me". He responded: "You cant ruin anything wit5h me, it is what it is, I have many reservations and they wont be fun to discuss, but I cant hold back anymore, i shouldn't have gotten with you this morning, I am such a dog".
When I got home from bowling, he had previously come into my place and gotten most of his things. He has not called me all day.I am so scared.
I do think he is still deep in replay. He has been drinking since he was 15 when we met, but it was mostly just for fun then. About three years ago, he started going in major debt from his own roofing company and became a full out alcoholic (and it runs in his family). He has gotten way worse, now that he is out on his own and going to the bar everynight (he drinks like a case or more and several shots a day, and he is only like 160 lbs-@ most).
I do believe that his MLC started about three & 1/2 yrs ago, even though he has only left me on & off for this last year. I think his MLC is a direct result of his bankruptcy he filed for about two months before he left me the first time. And it is also probably a result of his childhood (physically abusive and alcoholic dad, and his mom did nothing to stop the beatings).
My H is so confused and trying to change every little thing about his life, it is the saddest thing to watch happen. TIPPER
Tipper, My H is also an alcoholic. It is sad. It's sad because you just want to help them, but you can't. It's their battle. I fought for my M after my H's A, but sometimes I think perhaps I should have let him go. But then I remember that I do love him and I just can't abandon him.
I found a site called soberrecovery.com. It's for alcoholics (or other substance abusers) as well as family and friends. They have a very active online community like this site. I joined months ago but didn't post until recently because I was scared, ashamed, etc. You may want to check it out. Their articles are very helpful, too.
I'm sure he backed off today because of the intimacy last night. I think he will call, just give him time, and don't pursue him.
