My H went to his second individual counseling session today. The C said that we have to improve our communication regardless of where our relationship goes and suggested that we try MC again. H told her our attempt at MC was horrible and that it actually drove us apart instead of bringing us together. She suggested that we try MC again, but with a focus on learning to communicate better. That it was totally OK if I go in with the idea that this will help get us back together and he goes in with the idea that it will help us split more amicably.
I don't know how I feel about this. Anyone care to chime in?
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
My gut feeling is that it isn't a bad idea. I ca see being uncomfortable with it, but I think the C has a point. And just because H is thinking of an amicable split doesn't mean that seeing the possibility of better communication would not help him to change his mind.
God knows we need better communication. My husband has a really hard time with this, so either he doesn't say anything (look where that got us) or he doesn't say what he means and it comes out very rude and attacking, getting me all huffy. It happened today even, right after his C appointment.
I'm all for it because I think that good communication could really ease a lot of our problems. But at the same time, it's kind of weird...
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I saw that you mentioned Retrouvaille over on you Solution Journal. It is pretty much all about communication. It is sponsored by the Catholic church, but it is not overly religious, though I guess it might depend a bit on the specific presenters. There was a priest that did some of the presentations, but even then, it wasn't really religious. That said, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's non religious, but I think you would be able to deal with it. I think that while they prefer you don't attend if there is a third party in the marriage, it isn't necessary that both spouses be fully committed, just that they are willing to give it a chance.
We went two years ago. Unfortunately W was pretty tied up in her own stuff (going to school) and was pretty convinced that I as the only one with a problem, so we didn't follow up. I think it could be very useful, though.
On MC or Retrouvaille? On the MC front, he didn't say, though he has said previously that he needs some individual counseling under his belt before he'd feel ready for MC again.
Regarding Retrouvaille, I was surprised that he said he'd take a look at it. As I said, I wasn't posing it as a question to see if he'd go. I just wanted him to know it was an option and a much lower cost option that most of the others I found last fall. While I'm an atheist now, I was raised in a church and have really explored my faith (or lack thereof) and my options. My husband's mother hates religion and definitely has passed along her distrust of religion in general to her son. I told him that I would be able to tune out the Catholicism because I've done that my whole life (raised protestant in an Irish/Italian Catholic neighborhood of Chicago), but wondered if he could. He said he'd look at it and think about it.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
We are bleeding money right now between paying for another household (housing in CA is not cheap) in the apartment and with the upgrading we're doing to the house we own. I think an intensive with Michele is out of the question. The cost of Retrouvaille is part of its appeal to him, I'm sure. That is, IF he'd go to begin with.
(Would love to go to Boulder sometime, but too bad Michele's not in Woodstock anymore. We would have been more likely to swing that since I'm from the Chicagoland area and go back a few times each year.)
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
CW - For many of us on this board, counseling made things MUCH worse.
There are stages of this process, I believe if you are in STAGE 1 where there is a lot of ANGER, it's not good. the WAS just beats the hell out of the LBS.
If you can get to stage 2 - friendship, that's when there may be a benefit to the counseling. However, once you get here, you do not want to re-hash the past and you are moving forward as a couple again.
CW - For many of us on this board, counseling made things MUCH worse.
There are stages of this process, I believe if you are in STAGE 1 where there is a lot of ANGER, it's not good. the WAS just beats the hell out of the LBS.
If you can get to stage 2 - friendship, that's when there may be a benefit to the counseling. However, once you get here, you do not want to re-hash the past and you are moving forward as a couple again.
