advice_for_UP my heart goes out to you. That must a a horrible way to live. I pray that you can find that love for your wife and give of yourself what she deserves from you.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
We can all empathize with you, and I totally understand how you're feeling. Not one of us wants to (or ever wanted to) lose our S'es, but truth is we don't have control over them. We only have control over ourselves and what we want for ourselves.
You told your H that you weren't willing to share, and even though he said he understood, he continues to carry on his A. That's because your boundary wasn't enforced by the one person who matters most - you. Your H will not respect your wishes if you waver from them yourself.
I know it's difficult, but you've got to do what is best for your own well-being. Can you turn your head the other way while H conducts his A? Or, if you can't, can you stand up for yourself, say no more, and show H the consequences of his actions? He can't have it both ways if you are truly not ok with that.
Take care of you, gsr.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Wow! Thanks to get insight on the other side of the spectrum. Boy thats an eye opener, they say the A can last for awhile 1 1/2 to 2 years before they fizzle out but don't think I can wait around to see what happens next, I am not much for cliff hanger situations. I don't understand what makes you think you never loved your wife, you had to love her somewhere in the past being a supportive wife and mother, she had to be loving to you too don't you think? I'm sure AP is new and fresh I get that, maybe younger too, but what makes you think this is not thinking with wrong head? Sorry just this side of the spectrum speaking, don't mean to be harsh and diffintely don't want to lose your insight, just thinking out loud. I want to understand what makes men believe how they can up and leave when people left behind love them so much. Sorry, I hope I am not offending you.
Sincerely hopefully, gsr1
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
As I write, and rewrite I see myself making excuses for my faults and his indiscretions. I need to stop letting him do these things to me and let him go off on self destruction and end my wifely duty to save him.
I love the man I knew before this and I told him so, I said I hope to see him again someday.
He's going through MLC so theres not much I can do, your right I can't control this man or anything right now he has total control over this and well he's handled everything badly so far so why should I think he'll handle his so called R any better, he's under the spell of "love" or so he thinks, whatever.
He said he wants us to be friends for the sake of the kids, right, so for the sake of the kids why doesn't he stay, right I forgot I'm the only one that can make concessions.
MLC "Another One Bites the Dust."
Love Queen!
gsr1
M 45 H 42
D 26 D 18 S 16
Married 19 years Together 24 years ILYBNILWY 1/7/08 OW 10/11/07 ended affair 3/14/08 came home 3/14/08 last contacted ow 3/17/08 4/19/08 trying to piece marriage back.
no offense taken -believe me, I'm scratching my head here too. One thing is - it's definitely not the sex that has me hooked- that was never the issue with W. In fact, AP made me feel old sometimes - she being a little younger and challenging in an athletic way, if anything I would be afraid of AP's likelihood to get bored with me!
As for leaving those who love us - I think men grow weary of Love as a means to control - "I love you, so you do what I say". in other words, don't baby us to death. We are suspicious of women's love, and over time may want to confirm to ourselves that part of being a man is being self-sufficient and not being needy- and that includes being needy for love. Most men don't say to themselves "my goal is life is to be surrounded by people who love me" . Instead, they are more likely to say "my goal in life is to be surrounded by people I love." In this way, if W becomes a transparent fixtur,e or a nag, or a pain, or critical and loathsome, the man may reassess what he's doing. In my case, it's actually worse than that. Because I think most men would have to admit that at SOME point in the past they had a wonderful vision of a happy future with this person. And in theory those men can return to this vision - they can attempt to reconjure it, in order to make the M viable. Sadly, I am bereft of this Vision. I just don't have it. I didn't know what I was doin when i got married, and have simply tried to make the best of it. With the A i knew exactly what I was doing - I was deliberate and proaactive. It was wonderful, as painful as it is to those i've hurt. This is what I mean about not feeling remorse - I just dont. I think wveryone, including W, deserves a chance to be in love at least once in their life. I have now had mine -it was exquisite. What I do now is still a question mark, but I fear that without remorse and a strong sense of commitment the M is doomed.
