Just received my copy of "After The Affair" in the mail. Skimming through it, looks like there's a lot of good stuff in it, looking at the situation from BOTH sides.
What are the comments from those of you who have read it? Have you shared this with your spouse, or kept it for yourself? Did you openly present it to them, or just leave it laying around? How long did you wait to share it? Any special parts to emphasize, or to avoid? How much help was it to you? Etc., etc.
I'm excited about this book. Looks like it addresses some issues both my W & I have. I want her to read through it, looks like it de-emphasizes blame and looks towards solutions. I want to share it, but I don't want to force it in her face too much at this time. It seems we try to avoid the affair part of OR right now, but it's still buried in there on both of our parts.
Suggestions? Comments? Help?!?!
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 06-01-2001).]
JJ
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I read "After the Affair" back at Christmas when there seemed there was no hope at all of H coming back. It helped me a little and I saw that the parts about H did not seem to be judgemental, but considerate of his feelings, also. (Made a mental note).
So when H and I started talking again a couple of months ago now, and he confided his confusion about wanting to break up with ow, wanting to come back to me, etc... I gave him the book. Told him that I found it helpful and non-judgemental, and that it might help him understand what he is going through. I said it was just a tool and it wouldn't bother me if he didn't read it. And that I hoped when he saw the parts about what I was going through, it wouldn'tmake him feel bad. That was not the point of it.
He was really appreciative and says he will read it, but hasn't yet. I think he thinks it's for a later part in his process. Anyway, I have mentioned it a couple of times really casually when he was talking about "having a hard time", then I dropped it.
I think the key in sharing these tools with our spouses is to do it in a careful way. LEt them know the intention is not control. That is still really hard for me, too.
About 1 month after my H dropped the bomb, I asked him to read through "After the Affair". This was at a point where we were trying to work it out (although he wasn't trying very hard and I think he was still seeing the OW). His reaction was that the book focused too much on the unresolved issues of the betrayers childhood and not enough on the dynamics of the marriage that got them to this point.
I believe that while they are still involved with the OP, they have a need to blame the affair on problems in the marriage, otherwise they would feel too guilty about what they are doing. I don't think you can get through to them with books or facts until they're ready to work on the marriage.
I found/find the book to be very helpful. I just haven't had much luck getting through to my H over the past 10 months. He's not open to it.
Lee & PB - Thanks for responding. It looks like I may have thought, that right now this book seems to be for us "hurt" spouses. It's helping me a lot, making me see that most of what I'm feeling is pretty normal. It's also helping to be more empathetic towards what she's going through, and hopefully my W will be ready for it soon. It addresses many of the issues that she's having a hard time dealing with, and I'm sure it would be a great help to her, also. Maybe if her C suggested it? I guess I'll know when the time is right. It's laying under my side of the bed right now, halfway exposed. If she sees it and gets curious, it's there for her.
