Exactly-baby steps, take it slow, and don't be too hard on yourself for expecting more from him - AND from yourself.
I have learned that when I expected things from H just because 'he should know' I ended up getting hurt...after all, he cannot read my mind (even tho I sometimes think he SHOULD!!).
It is hard to keep all the feelings and emotions to yourself during this period of your rebuilding, but I found my worst backslides when I'd let go of my DB'ing and feel myself slipping back to the 'old me'. And, as was usually the case, I was the one who ended up crying.
My H is not a talker-you are lucky in that respect, just be really really sure you want to hear what he has to say, because once said-it cannot be taken back and it has an ever resounding ring in your head. I would pester my H until he finally did tell me whatever I was pestering about-and when I did this about his A and the OW...I heard some pretty mean things that still hurt. Just be careful and protect yourself.
It is obvious that he is willing and is doing the right things...that's good, but don't let him get ahead of you-keep it at YOUR pace. How to do this? Detach and back off if you feel smothered. Ask him to slow down-tell him you're still very hurt and just need some time to gather your self. Reassure him you are 'there' with him, but that it's a bit fast for you.
Lee- It is good to catch up with you! I'll be looking for you on MSN !
I agree with Me2 completely!!! I have been just at the point where you are now and the hardest thing to do is to detach when you really want to connect and rebuild. EXPECTATIONS of movement forward can be your downfall. Detach lovingly and accept what is... the baby steps will grow bigger and bigger if YOU handle yourself and your expectations in a positive way.
I speak from experience, several times over. I have backslid several times and the key is to get back on the DB horse quickly and refocus attention on your goal.
*************************************** It is hard to keep all the feelings and emotions to yourself during this period of your rebuilding, but I found my worst backslides when I'd let go of my DB'ing and feel myself slipping back to the 'old me'. And, as was usually the case, I was the one who ended up crying.
***************************************
This is SOOO true!! Even when things were going well at first in our recovery, some things were too sensitive for H to talk about, i.e., how much what he did hurt me, how could he continue contact, knowing how much it hurt me, etc.. I have a feeling that these might become a problem for you since he has had recent contact. You might even prepare yourself for the fact that he may want to continue a "friendship" with her.
For some stupid reason, upon returning to the marital relationship, some WS seem to think this is a reasonable option. My H was early last spring and summer fully committed to being with me and rebuilding, yet thought that since he did not "feel" anything or want a real relationship with his xEA, and since he realized that he had a great thing with me, - they could be friends. His intentions I truly believe were innocent ON HIS PART!! However, although he acknowledged how much it bothered me, he did not stop contact for a long time. He thought his innocent intentions should be enough for me -RIGHT!!! I may have rebuilt SOME trust for him, but I didn't trust HER at all!!
My reaction to this situation drove us further apart. When I should have detached and left the issue alone, acted as if I pushed and pushed until I pushed him away. I became angry and resentful, and refused to acknowledge any positives - he did not initiate e-mail with her, but always responded when she contacted him. WHen he responded his responses were always impersonal, just friendly ( I read them all!!)I was also snooping and miserable!!
If I had it to do over again, I would do exactly as we discuss here - detach, take care of me, not initiate OR or OW discussions, not snoop, AND MOST OF ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THE THINGS HE WAS DOING RIGHT!! Throughout it all this is the one and only thing he has asked me for - I think it is a biggie!! He has commented several times, he doesn't think what he does will ever be enough! So I got the message, and praise the little things - and wonder of wonders - IT WORKS!!
Maybe this won't be the case for your H - but breaking off contact for good is difficult for most!! IF it happens, have a plan ready !! If it doesn't , detaching is still about taking care of Lee first, and you cannot go wrong in doing that!
You can do this - and I will help as much as I can - if you feel the need to scream and vent and ask questions that you know will not garner the response you want - "How could you, etc,.... say it here!! Avoid doing/responding in the ways he expects - Do something different. I know, simple but not easy!!!
Hang in there!!
Hugs - B
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-15-2001).]
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-15-2001).]
You're both so right. I read your posts a few times to let the wise advice sink in . It is perfect for where I am at right now.
Me2- Your comment about keeping feelings and emotions to myself right now rang true for me, too. LAst week, he purposefully opened the door by saying "you can ask any questions you want from now on and I want to keep the dialogue open" and I just let it sit for afew days. I think I know that he WANTS to do this, but maybe still isn't 100% ready.
So I think about what my questions are. And this will sound silly, but when I WISH I could talk to him, I write an email to him, speaking lovingly and freely, and then I don't send it!
We had such a good time together Monday and Wednesday night that we both backed off a little bit after each. (Regroup??) It makes sense to me, but I found myself feeling low and anticipating another weekend without seeing him. He usually calls me at the end of the day Fridays to connect, and this is really the first weekend since he broke things off with ow (but it's his weekend with his daughter). And I still feel uneasy. So I was scarce yesterday... sent him an ecard for Father's Day with all the reasons I thought he was a good daddy and then didn't talk to him. He was really touched by the card and left me a message. I just wanted to leave it at that for the weekend.
I don't want to think that he'll be talking to her this weekend, but I have come to expect this stuff. I don't know if he'll want to stay friends with her, I think he expects me not to be ok with that, and is one of the reasons he is going slow with me... to let go of her completely on HIS time. I'm not sure of this, but I certainly don't trust her either!!
B- I will try to make your approach my mantra ********************************************* If I had it to do over again, I would do exactly as we discuss here - detach, take care of me, not initiate OR or OW discussions, not snoop, AND MOST OF ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THE THINGS HE WAS DOING RIGHT!! Throughout it all this is the one and only thing he has asked me for - I think it is a biggie!! He has commented several times, he doesn't think what he does will ever be enough! So I got the message, and praise the little things - and wonder of wonders - IT WORKS!! *********************************************
I think I did this ok this week. I had a few chances to "snoop" (ie at his email), but I did NOT. I can honestly say I really didn't want to find anything to hurt me, and it might. And I did tell him what he was doing right. This is a biggie for my H too, he always felt he could do noo right with me.
Thanks for such great support girls! I am so very lucky to have such great new friends!
I've come to dread weekends, and Mondays because of all the hurtful and difficult things that have been happening on weekends these last months. I did mostly enjoy myself, but as it wore on, I started feeling uneasy and resentful. H didn't contact me once.
So I'm having trouble with my PMA today. Feeling frustrated. I wonder whether he spoke to ow, etc... He knows that it is difficult for me to call him on the weekends because it previously turned out badly, so I don't. BUT he told me last week he wants to keep dialogue open and be there for me, too. And yet he doesn't realize how unapproachable he makes himself sometimes. OR he does. Whatever.
I know I should focus on the progress, but I don't know how to talk to him today, if he calls- I'm feeling so insignificant to him.
If last week was so special to him, as he said it was, then why couldn't he do something to let me know. An action? I have no idea what he is doing or thinking right now, and I guess that I shold be ok with that, but I'm not, today.
Now if he does contact me, I'm in this resentful place I don't want to be in. I guess it isn't a good idea to tell him why, so I'll just avoid him until I have a better grip on it.
I admit it- I am obsessing. Having a lot of trouble getting through this day. Can't concentrate on work. Been pretty much dark for 3 days and I guess either he prefers that or hasn't noticed... Either way feels pretty bad from here. My pride (and DBing) is preventing me from contacting him and saying "what's going on?"
And I wonder where on earth my PMA went?? Last week was really good!? I did a lot of stuff for me this weekend and I even went to the gym at lunch to try to get myself out of this funk (and to get away from the phone that isn't ringing.. ) Why don't the good times stick with me for long? I suppose I am just suffering from expectation. It gets worse as time goes on. Gonna try to do anything to get out of this.
I think it's a Monday thing...I've been feeling pretty crappy today (thanks for the input on my thread - I just saw/answered)...
Gotta be a Monday thing.
I had a pretty good week last week too, then there came the weekend - it was the first one we'd been at home since early May, we've been gone for various reasons...together - which is good.
My PMA is shot today too...combination of things - (upcoming) birthday, STUPID fridge magnet, MILFH, kids....you name it.
I wish I had some great words of wisdom and insight for you today...but I don't.
All I can say is BLAH....I know how you feel.
Maybe our PMA will return this evening with the indulgence of some SWEET CREAMY SNICKERS-AND CHOC-CHIP-COOKIE DOUGH-CONTAINING stuff you get in the frozen food section....I think some ice cream may be in order this evening!!!
Hmmmmm that or a pitcher or margaritas...
whadda ya think???!!! Whichever would cheer you up the most - GO FOR IT!!!
L
p.s. seriously tho, you wondered if you could/should call your H...well, why not? You've been dark/dim all weekend - BUT you both have agreed to rebuild...so....if you don't hear from him in a set number of days this week, call him...you are smart enough to know what to say and especially HOW to say it and initiate contact without looking like you're LOOKING like you're intitating contact. y'know what I mean? Act upbeat and confident...remember - you have to act AS IF, and if he says it's over with OW....you know what to do....how to act....
(sucks when you KNOW what to do, but just want to scream and shake someone-H would do nicely-because it's sooooo hard to be good all the time.)
Well, I think I backslid. H called at the end of the day, my work phone, my cell phone... Only I didn't answer. But I knew it had to be him. I just knew. No messages, cause he's the type to keep trying. Then I realized I was stuck in this hard place: if I hide from him, he would know something's wrong. So the next time he called, I answered and we talked awhile.
He had a rough weekend with his daughter. She had forgotten Father's Day (so did her mother. GRRR). And my heart broke for him. I had sent him an ecard listing out the reasons why he was a good father- and he said he it really touched him, had been the best thing all weekend. So Sunday night he was blue and had gotten really drunk- spent all day Monday home- sick. (not common) Just wanted me to know he was still here. I didn't DB very well, I'm afraid. I listened but he knew I wasn't feeling great - I told him I was feeling anxiety (explained the weekend theory...). And I reacted a little and felt worse. He invited me to go over to talk (even though he was still really sick). I wasn't going to, but he convinced me that we needed to.
So we spent a nice evening actually, I made him supper and tidied up (felt good to do that- he didn't expect it). And we talked a little. He said he was scared by the look on my face- that I was getting tired of him. I said not him, but the situation. Just then, the phone rang (and I'm pretty sure I know who it was. I haven't asked- but I'm pretty sure he's still in contact with ow.)
Then I started to cry. (I was furious with myself for it too.) First time in a long time. He ignored the phone (it rang again later) and it kind of struck him again what I'm going through, here. He did comfort me, and told me he really loves me, wants to be with me, thinks I'm really strong and he's sorry for everything, and told me how special and important I am to him... Was a bit emotional. And then we just comforted each other awhile.
I stayed the night, there were more good stuff and more little backslides (on my part). Overall, I feel nervous, like I said way too much... but then, it is the time to talk too, so it's bound to be uncomfortable??
Well, gonna get back on the horse today. I wore a killer dress to work, and am going to tell H how much I appreciated his support too last night.
Good for you-I am not sure that I'd consider last night a 'backslide', like you said, you will eventually have to talk-and yes-it will be uncomfortable. It sounds like his eyes are really beginning to open up as to the amount of pain he's caused and may still be causing (the phone calls...good that he didn't answer).
Like you said tho, get back on that DB horse and "Charlie Mike" (continue the mission - C M). You're still doing fine but maybe consider backing off a bit-give him time to digest everything you said to him, let it sink in. Don't go dark but just give him some time. Continue doing what you've been doing.
Lee - I think you done good. I don't really consider what you did to be backsliding, sometimes they need a reality-check to see what we are going through now, to get them out of their own little world. These talks ARE going to be uncomfortable, but sometimes things just need to be said. I think the key is to not surround every interaction you have with them with these talks. And to say what needs to be said, let it go, and don't let it drag on. I find the longer that some things are discussed, the more the conversation digresses, and the effectiveness and meaning is lost.
On the F day thing, sounds like you did good in supporting him without trying to shelter him. There may be some things he has done or hasn't done to cause what happened, he needs to figure that out. I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my D right now, and I need to fix it.
BTW, that IS a killer dress! You look HOT today!!!!
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 06-19-2001).]
JJ
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) Why don't the good times stick with me for long? I suppose I am just suffering from expectation. It gets worse as time goes on. Gonna try to do anything to get out of this.