To "Piece" or not to "Piece....

[Jeanette1120]

Thats where I am right now.

I've been here a long time. Much longer than I ever imagined.

I will condense this as much as possible but we all know how hard it is to write a little when alot seems to be happening all at once.

Rich left Oct 05. 3 days later we had the big Hurricane Katrina that left us without power for 10 days....he came home (sort of) for most of it. He left me here several days tho without lights or anything. I cannot begin to tell you how truamatizing that was. I knew where he was and who he was with, but I was alone. No family and my son was not home at that time. He ended up staying with me until Jan 3 06, more on that off.....then he disappeared completly.

July 06 he finally filed for divorce. July 11 07 the divorce was final. During all this....2 mediations 4 courtroom hearings I never once failed to kiss, hug and tell him this was not what I wanted. But he had to divorce me. Why? Who knows, but my best guess would be...to prove to everyone that he was man enough to go through with it. You know, his mother, his friends and co-workers......what would they think of him if he went back to his wife?? His self-esteem was already at 0.

He went through each and every phase noted in the MLC Resouces. I know we all think our spouses are the one they wrote about in MLC for DUMMIES but I swear....his hand on the floor held him in the bed at night. His best friends were going through divorces and leaned heavily on him. He felt needed. I felt neglected. The more I bitched the more distant he became. I felt he was not listening (and he wasn't) he felt I was not listening ( I wasn't) One day I had this sinking feeling in my heart that something was wrong...I left work early and came home. He and his newly divorced bf were packing his stuff....

Fast forward through all the pain and being chatatonic for a year, doing everything and I do mean everything wrong in my efforts to DBust....I eventually found my grip again and started to GAL. Always in the back of my mind was him. Always. I mean, how does one just walk away from thier home and wife without looking back? Very easily it seems. I could never get this out of my thoughts tho....."Why are we divorced and he is still paying all the bills in this house"??? If this man wants out soooooo badly why does he do this?? That question alone kept a small fire of hope burning. Contact was about zere unless of course my electricity, phone and water were turned off.

I remember once when the electric was turned off and I had to call him, he was with the OW. He unfortunatly had to call me back on her phone, so this gave me her number and uhm....yeah I called her a few months later but thats another story in itself. Turns out that Rich did not have the money so she paid my 600.00 electric bill ( 3 months worth) When I did speak to her she mentioned that.....I politely thanked her amongst other things

For the last several months I have been so frustrated at not being able to move forward in life because of the house not being sold. Yes, we had it up for sale once. But the market sucks and well.....so we never put it back on. Eventually I started feeling like a prisoner here....I know alot of people would think "Wow" she's living rent free....but thats not really the case as I have bills to pay and the house to upkeep and am on a tight budget. If our home is sold then my permanet alimony would finally kick in and let's just say....WHEW!

Now, I have not called him said nothing to him in months about talking. I'm all talked out. Last weekend I turned my cell phone off, I needed quiet time. Monday was a holiday so I did not have to work and kinda just lazed around the house. He called me. So nice, caring even joking with me..... He asked me why I didn't return his call or answer his text...I said you didn't call so stop lyin I turned my phone on and OMGapalooza! He told the truth! I also noticed on my home phone that a "restriced" call came in about the same time. We don't answer those calls in this house. Ha!

So he sets up a "date" for us last night. Said he would call me yesterday and confirm the where and when. Uh huh...you guessed it, again he was a no show. 30 minutes before I left work I decided to call his ass up and say I'M DONE!, and I did. He appologized profusly saying that he had taken on a second job as a security guard at a gated apartment complex. Ok......now this man earns alot of money and is a FAA supervisor. WOW! He's noticed he's in debt! He's taking responsibility!! OW is gone since Oct and he's all by himself for once in his life!

However......I was totally pissed and totally done. No more crumb snatching for me. Call it the "LRT" or "had enough" or call it a huge 180 for me but I let him have it with both barrels but he listened for a change. He would say....I have to go there's a car coming through....I was like WTF? It's a friggen car dude! Hit the enter button will ya??? I finally had to say....your a very smart man, you can carry on a conversation and hit the open button at the same damn time! Grrrrr.....I had to ask him 3 times why he called me. First it was because you said you wanted to talk....uhm yeah the last time I said that was 9 months ago!

I then said look, I am tired, I want this house sold. YOU need to bring your ass over here and help me get it ready. He quietly said he would be here saturday morning before work. I said "oh HELL NO" been there done that still here. He said fine, I'll move in for a month and do it. I said FINE, just get it done! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Then I asked him again why he wanted to see me...he sputtered about some more nonsense. Sigh. It's like pulling teeth now. I said Rich...do you want to see me to get this done and over or are you asking to see me to get to know each other again?? I told him I was so damn tired of hoping, wishing and waiting that I am not doing this any longer. He said yes. Yes to what???? He said yes, I want to see you, to go out, to get to know each other again.

My xhusband has emerged from the tunnel.

As of today....we have talked twice. Both times were lovely conversations. Even when I had to tell him the phone has been turned off again! LOL.....I said look Rich...I know your frustrated, as am I. Don't worry about it until you get paid. ( I can't believe I have internet tho!!! ) He said no he would take care of it immediatly. No, I'm not holding my breath.

Where was I?? Oh yea...Sunday. So Sunday we are going out, I said I do not want to talk about NOTHING! No house, no bills, no plans no future. I am going to act like it's our first date.

I do not know if this can be saved or not. But I have come so very far in this journey, and I know I cannot have a normal relationship with another person until I find my closure. I've tried and it only hurts the other person and me, for being so damn stupid to get involved with someone before I had healed myself and learned to love me for me.

One more little thing....the first call was about the insurance on our home. He said the insurance peeps had came by and looked at the house....he asked me if I had moved out I said "Are you SERIOUS"?? he said yeah....they said the house looked like no one lived there??????? I had nothing to say except the house looks exactly like it did the last time you were in it....but uhm the yard is a bit DRY as the SPRINKLER PUMP is rolling around in the back of your TRUCK! Crap you'd think I lived in Arizona! He said he would take care of that too.

Now I am not holding my breath for any of this to take place. Just updating and documenting and talking it out to myself

I've stated my case, set my boundaries. I've cut all ties off with everyone. It's his time to follow through with his words. Somehow, I believe him this time. He no longer cuts me off on the telephone, LOL...he puts me on hold Hey...thats not so bad for someone that used to say "I'm busy....CLICK".

Here is his chance. Here is my chance. What lies ahead, who knows. The only thing I can say is I have to give us both the chance or neither one of us will be able to put any closure and live a semi normal life again.

Thanks for reading!!!

Hugs to all.

Jeanette

[WCW]

Whew! can't type more because I'm rubbing my sore jaw after it hit the floor when reading this!

I think this title could be Piece or Peace or Both.

[Broken Tree]

sounds good. be careful!

[FaithfulH]

((((Jeanette)))),

This is huge! No matter how things go....you have shown your strength in riding this rollercoaster....there may yet be some more hills and valleys...you KNOW there are. But, you have a peace about you that has come through this trial! Take it slow....lean on GOD....and let Rich carry his share of the load!

I'm praying mightily for you....and I'm excited for you!

James 1:12 God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

[sgctxok]

Girl..what do you want for your closure?

Rephrase...

My friend....what do you want for your closure?

[Virtually_Handsome]

Hey ((((((((((Jeanette))))))))))!

I wondered what was going on! Yo had dropped some crumbs, but I was having trouble putting it together!

Boy, I don't know. I guess no one can. But I do think you hit one thing on the head, you need to get this resolved, one way or the other. And this sounds like the time for it to happen. BUT.... don't be surprised when he ducks back in the tunnel! Maybe not for long, but who knows? be ready, I guess is what I am saying, so you don't get hurt (too much!). You know all the stuff, don't rush him, don't pressure him, blah, blah, blah...no point in repeating all that! Just take care and be careful, I hope he is serious, but you had to lead him to say this is what he wanted. So, no expectations, but GOOD LUCK JEANETTE!

Oh, and what's wrong with Arizona?!

[Jeanette1120]

{{WCW}}

I KNOW.....I struggled with To PEACE or To PIECE

Hehehe....I'm so glad I found you. Your my other half I've been looking for. There are more of us too. We are not aloneeeeee.

Now you understand why I posted all that to you on your thread. We've been stuck far too long...you will know when it's time.

HUGS!

and pick your jaws up girl! They told us in the beginning this could happen.

I so loved what Lodo said to you.....the hardest decision was deciding to make the decision. AWESOME!

Hugs again!

Jeanette

[Jeanette1120]

{{{FaithfulH}}}}

Yikes! I'm scared FH. Can I do this? Is he the man I used to love so much? Am I someone he can love again?

Your prayers are so welcome. I don't know if you read what I posted to Kiki yesterday....but God smacks these signs in my face all the time. He gives me no hints. I was so mad that he had not called I had to take a walk outside. The Church across the street had the sign up.....The worst person is one with a closed heart. My heart is not closed....

HUGS

Jeanette

[Jeanette1120]

Sg, my friend and everones friend :). You have a very difficult job, or task or whatever you want to call being a moderator. I know it's not easy. I do know that you have a big heart full of love and support.

What do I need for closure?

To give him a chance. To give myself a chance.

I know he struggles inside. I want him to have the best possible chance at happiness as I do. Neither one of us will be able to do this without a chance to try. If it does not work, maybe we will be friends.....

He once was my everything, but I have grown, I have changed. I'm sure he has changed also..

So a chance is all I need. Then all will be good with me, with God and with Rich.

Hugs T !

Jeanette

[Jeanette1120]

{{{Jeff}}}

LOL.....I dropped crumbs cuz thats all I know!! I was gonna change my name to "CrumbSnatcher"

Yes I had to lead....I had to pull teeth. You men are SO STUBBORN! GOSH! However, I did not make him call, nor did I make him say what he did. He could have picked door #1.

Who knows.....I just needed to get this out and make it more than my own. Kwim? If he ducks he ducks....I am still going to follow through this time.

I know.....blah blah blah.....I've read the script a thousand times There can be no more hurt, there can only be healing either way it goes.

Off to bed now.....this is exhausting!

HUGS DUDE!

Jeanette