Thoughts on Detaching

[fooled again]

I have finally decided that it's time to start a thread in MLC. In case some of you haven't found it yet, there is an excellent site devoted exclusively to MLC - http://www.fortysixty.org. Take a few minutes, or more to check it out. There is lots and lots of information for the LBS (even though I suspect it was originally created for the MLCer).

I think, for me, the most important thing I have learned in the past month (but it feels like longer) is what it really means to detach. It has taken me over a year and a half to finally get this, and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. My fervent wish is that each of you who are still struggling with this concept can finally figure out what detaching really means to yourself (since it really is a personal thing) because I guarantee, it will completely change the way you see your sitch, your MLC-S and especially yourself.

Do I sound like I'm preaching? Maybe a little, but I know I was making myself sick and I worried about how long I could hold it together and still be able to take care of my D, do my job effectively and maintain my household. It is a very slippery slope and I know what it means to be unable to keep from sliding down into that very dark place in our minds.

So I found this really great blog on fortysixty.org and thought it would be useful for us here on the DB boards, so I've quoted it below. I truly hope a light bulb will go on for some (or all) of you struggling with this. Yeah, it's a daily battle, and we need really strong armour to win the war.

"Detaching has many facets, but even within my own views what it usually comes back to is letting go of trying to control or fix what the MLCer is going through and concentrating on yourself. This weekend my H said he felt bad about taking away my future. I stopped him right there and said "No. You can't take away MY future. I am in control of that. You can effect OUR future and take away YOUR future, but MY future is determined only by ME." I wouldn't have been able to see it that way several months ago. I would have thought "Yes you SOB, you ARE taking away my future!" After a lot of self-reflection I have been able to slowly detach from HIM and HIS confusion. Now I've gained more clarity and the freedom to make choices. I am able to accept responsibility for my own future. It may be scary, but it's powerful all the same.

"...in truth I hadn't been detaching, I had been putting up a wall of protection. For me detaching was trying to turn off my emotions and this doesn't work because they eventually break out and I would blow my top with either tears or anger. Instead I came to realize detaching was learning to see myself as completely removed and uninvolved from his MLC journey. This isn't about me in any way, which means that none of his words or actions are a reflection of me or his feelings for me. This is about him struggling to figure out what HE needs to get through this time in his life...I've let go of my need to help, fix, and shelter him. I've let go of accepting any blame and I've let go of the feeling I have no control. I DO have control...of MY life and MYSELF.

IMO, detaching is freeing yourself from the burden of making him better. Love is a wonderful thing, but it is also a huge responsibility...Love comes with a huge array of needs that require our determination and care. Detachment isn't letting go of love. It is letting go of loves responsibilities and putting them on hold while they aren't required. Men in MLC don't need the responsibilities of love. Again, IMO, the most they need is to know love is available to them if they work through their issues and come back to it. I can love my H with all my heart, but I can't take care of him now. He needs to take care of himself. I kept thinking that I would be turning my back on our 18 yrs of M if I detached. That he wouldn't think I loved him anymore and he'd leave me. I was afraid I would lose him. Now I've come to know that detaching is for ME. It's the removal of guilt, shame, and for a large part fear in regard to my M.

That's where we step back and say "this is HIS drama, not mine" and "I will cross that bridge when I get to it". No jumping ahead, no filling in the blanks with our own version of what might or might not happen. This is detaching... Don't dwell, don't paint nasty images in your head about your H and the OW, and don't try to figure out what he's thinking or what he wants. HE can't even do that and he's inside his own head."

Stay strong everyone and take care of yourselves.

FA

[Bruce1]

Thanks for posting that. I needed that reminder. As you can see from the thread I posted a few seconds ago, I'm having a rough moment after being very good the past few months at detaching. You've lifted my spirits.

[Maya44]

Thanks FA. I'm still learing how to detach and have been seperated now for 1 1/2 years. I've been stubborn about it thinking he'd think I was moving on, didn't love him anymore, etc. I've got to learn that detaching will only better me.

[Tipper]

Wow Fa,

Your words above have helped me so much with my sitch with my h coming and abruptly leaving me again this last week. I am so glad I have found what you wrote about detatching. You write your thoughts on it in such a clear way that is helping me a lot. Also, thanks for the website on MLC, I will check it out.
TIPPER

[ba065]

FA:

Great posting....I printed it out as a reminder to myself. Detaching is so very hard...I hope I can get to that place myself someday soon. Can't wait to check out the website!

BA

[inmyplace]

Nope, FA, you are not preaching. This is good stuff.

[Tipper]

FA,
I went to that website but I cant seem to find the info past the first page, am I missing something?

How have you been doing? You sound like you are doing really well and accepting this like a champ!

Take care,
TIPPER

[fooled again]

Tipper,

Wow, that's a bit spooky. I just posted on your thread. Yeah, 40/60 is kindof confusing since it's set up differently than DB. On the left of the home page (fortysixty.org) click on "Men in Midlife" or "Midlife Crisis" for info. The forums are in "Our Forums", then "Women's Forums". Once you get to the forums, try clicking on "Blogs" at the top of the page. You may have to register to view some of the forums, but there are a couple I really liked because it was a man talking about his MLC - I think one of them is called "Newman's Own".

I've been doing okay. It's tough staying detached while he starts to cycle back towards me. I know he's not ready for a full reconciliation, and I don't want to be disappointed and hurt the next time he cycles away. But he seems to be frustrated when I act a bit elusive, so I feel like I'm walking a fine line. You are doing a much better job of me being active and busy. It's hard when most of my friends are married and busy with their single friends. I just don't seem to fit any mold anymore. But I'm still trying to GAL and keep busy and not sound as though I'm waiting for him. It's been a good week for H and I and I will take it as a good sign and try not to expect too much.

Take care,
FA

[fooled again]

Nope, FA, you are not preaching. This is good stuff.

That means alot coming from you. I have read so many of your posts that were bang on, and you have given me so much insight over the past few months.

I wish I could say that once you've figured out detaching it's easy to do. I guess it must be like meditating - something I've never tried, but may do so since reading "Eat, Pray, Love" (great GALing book, BTW). But I imagine that every day you meditate is different, some days are good and you reach that state your are after; other days suck and you are fighting yourself and your mind the whole time; but after practicing it over and over, every day for many days, weeks and months, you find it easier to get there, there are fewer days when you can't, and even those days don't bother you so much.

As I wrote on my own thread today, even when things start going in the direction you want w/ your S, it's difficult to detach. In fact, it's even more difficult to pull yourself back from the magnet of positive signs. DB says not to jump right back in when your S shows positive signs, to respond subtly but not be overly enthusiastic. This is possibly the most difficult time to remain detached, or partially detached, but it is also still a very critical time to be remaining somewhat detached.

So, like I said, it's a daily battle for me too.

FA