Well H and I decided that he going to the wedding was just to awkward right now. I was fine with that, it would have been a lot of pressure on me too and with me being in the wedding he would have been on his own. Plus he was afraid that somehting would happen with everyone drinking and 'cause some sort of backslide for us. Excuses yes, but I had worried about the same thing. So honestly I'm not bothered by him not going at all.
I think I handled the sesion very well. I brought up some things that were very direct and I actually think he appreciated it. We discussed how each of us felt, if we felt single right now or as a married person. I said I still felt I was married to my H, his wife. I beleived in our marriage and it was very important to me. I explained why I had ended things with OG and said that was not a judgement on him but I felt I needed to take actions to make decisions that I would never regret and I could be proud of. If we weren't seperated I would never have considered seeing someone else and if I still believed in our marriage then I had to be true to that. I also said that his decisions would bring sacrifices and that perhaps he would only lose one thing out of this, which would be me. I think that took him back a bit.
H still doesn't know what he wants. Sounds like he's trying to figure out now if it's not so much that he wants OW over me, but if he wants the single life over being married. I was very calm to that thought and said then we need to address that. If you can never see me as your wife again or believe that I can make you happy then we have to deal with that. He didn't have an answer.
Other things h mentioned was that he thinks of me all the time and wanted me to know that when he left the session he thought about this ordeal all the time until the next session. Said it was important I knew that he just didn't stop working on everything when he walked out the door. I thanked him for telling me.
C asked us each if we could handle less contact (going dark) I said yes, it would be hard but I could initiate it, and perhaps it was time for that. Interestingly, h didn't want to initiate, but said he had worried that that might be somthing I do and that if that was the case he would need to deal with it. So now I don't know if the going dark thing will have an effect since we discussed it. Maybe he'll just deal and it won't matter to him.
I was pretty direct today, but he seemed really happy that I'd been honest and brought up hard things. C and I agreed on a couple of things and he said that made him happy because it showed how much growth and strength I must have now.
So nothing really changed, just more for him to think about and write in his journal. Give me feedback on the going dark, do you think he'd just feel like I was doing it because we discussed and would feel he shouldn't react and just let me do my own thing?
Thanks all.
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 08-16-2001).]
(still lurking around here-good to pick up your thread again)
Here's my take, and please don't be offended, I mean this in the best possible way.
Stop worrying about how he will take your going dark. That's what going dark is all about my dear....NOT worrying about him, what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he thinks you're thinking, what he's feeling, what you think he wants you to feel and all that other obsessive stuff that we're so familiar with. Focus on YOU. Period. Nothing else.
I think it's a good idea. Go as dark as you can.
Also, have an absolute BLAST at the wedding and of course this calls for a new dress/shoes (a sexy-dress would be ideal-not sleezy-but sexy) and get your hair/nails done too. You deserve it. Besides, take comfort in knowing that your H WILL hear about how good you look, seeing as how the wedding involves mutual family/friends right...ya'think??!! I think I'd go alone, but that's just me, and I think that's pretty much what you've decided too, huh?
I also want to tell you how much I admire you and your thoughts and feelings, or should I say lack thereof, for OW. Woweee I am certainly impressed girlfriend! You rock! I don't think I could handle it even 1/10th as well as you do...I was lucky enough not to have OW thrown in my face-she lives overseas (still does I guess) and it was over b/t her and H well before he returned home from his overseas tour (not as same location as OW either). I did communicate with her, once-the day the bomb dropped, and suffice to say I handled that one with very little grace and certainly NO DB skills (this was BDB-before DB).
Anyway-I consider you my model as far as that is concerned...every time I obsess about her, yes even now I sometimes still do, I will think about you and gain strength.
thanks...and dance one for me at the wedding!
L
[This message has been edited by Me2 (edited 08-20-2001).]
Thanks Me2! That is so nice of you to say and a real booster today. I totally agree that I just worry too much that I'll make him mad and he'll file, but this weekend I did a lot of thinking and geez, he should be worrying that I'll finally blow my top over all of this! So this weekend I boxed up the clothes he had left at home (which I realized were every pair of whitey tighties he's ever owned-geez must do only boxers now) and a few other of his things. I wasn't doing it in anger, it was more of a way of a final release for me. I'm going to give them to him the next time I see him. I don't need those things in the house.
Wedding should be a blast, however, no slinkly black dress for me. I'm the maid of honer so instead imagine me in a two piece PURPLE dress with matching shoes. We'll look like a bunch of grapes! Oh well, I bought a very funky purple sequined purse to go with and I'm taking Friday off to get pedicure/manicure beforehand and my hair up in a "do" the next day . Skirt has a big slit up the back so I can still pass as a hottee-ha!
Keep lurking and giving me advice. And don't worry, I'll never be offended by anything anyone says, you guys all understand far too well .
Love ya.
[This message has been edited by Saturnh (edited 08-20-2001).]
Hey....purple is a great color! Some of my favorite people wear purple....
"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too..."
(sorry...couldn't resist!!! My kids have FINALLY outgrown Barney-I hope-the thought of a tyranosaurous rex actually singing and dancing and playing with kids rather than EATING them is hysterical!!! Tho.... sometimes his message is good-he can be QUITE annoying)
Have a blast-I'm sure you'll knock their socks off-purple and all!
Wedding went great, had a blast! I think something clicked after that becuase I'm really feeling different about H and about our relationship now. Not bad, just indifferent I guess. Sort of like if I don't see or talk to him no big deal at all.
Plus I'm finally starting to view this a little different. Maybe getting a bit ticked off finally. I think I saw someone's post where they just never got mad and that's been me. I was understanding and working so hard on my own self that I never had time to really look at all the crap h is dishing out to me.
And that feeling is different than if I would have felt it in the beginning of all this. It's not blaming him, it's seeing how hard I've worked on myself and how he is really so freaking lucky he is to have someone like me. He jsut doesn't get it.
Thoughts of divorce have begun to enter my head in a matter-of-fact way. I saw a thing from Gary Zukav that was about surrendering and that it's not a matter of giving up but more of accepting that your life is a certain way and then making the most of what life has given you. I got some lemons and then I've really worked hard at seeing my own faults and becoming a better person. Who knows if my h can ever get there. I hoped and believed he could, but I'm also starting to accept that we're not the same people and his journey may never take him there or it may take much longer than me.
I wouldn't say I'm giving up on dbing. I am just to the point that I may now be able to accept things I could never even bring myself to think about before.
My birthday is next week and I know turning 28 will be much more fun than last year, when I was just beginning to deal with all of this. Now I'm looking forward to a whole year where I know that whatever hits me I'll have the guts and ability to look it straight in the face .
Reading your recent posting gave me a good feeling. I know where you're coming from, I think I'm in the same place as you. I like your attitude and how you're looking at things...I need to take lessons from you!
I'm glad you had fun at the wedding, I'm glad I've not been invited to one since this whole mess started, I'd probably have to decline...ANYway....
You are right-you certainly are a much different person that you were when all this started...athough still very strong...you are more, uh....centered...that's a good description.
It's nice when that feeling gets a hold of you isn't it?! I just wish it would be a permanent thing (for me) I still deal with 'internal backslides' as I call them...bad feelings and thoughts, but I usually handle them in stride anymore. It gets easier and easier!
Happy Birthday Girlfriend!!! You go out and have a great day!
L
p.s. I think you H is nuts....hopefully he will wake up and 'get it' and get you-that is, if you're still interested when he does wake up.....I'll be thinking about you!
Had a great birthday. H actually got some great gifts, met him for lunch the day of.
Have a counseling session coming up the 11th Not sure what to expect from this one. Last time I was pretty blatent in my questions and I think c addressed my questions with him at his next private session, because he's seemed a little more dim lately.
I'm kind of just getting to the end of the rope. In some ways he's come a long way, but in others there's the fact I've never seen his apartment (5 minutes from our house) I still have no idea what's going on in his head (either does he), no sign of OW ending, I haven't ever seen any kind of remorse about all this. And while I don't expect an aplogy at all, I do know that "waking up" will involve him realizing the mistakes he's made. So far, no real sign of that.
I keep wondering if he's going to call it quits at next session. I really have no idea. Then I've also been thinking of doing a major 180 in next session and saying to H that maybe he's been right all along. We don't belong with each other, I'm having doubts etc. I've always been the one saying I believe in him, us, me and that doesn't seem to have many results.
I've just been backing off and I guess I'm just out of ideas. I know I've worked my butt off and he's still not "getting it" so I don't feel this sense of "oh god, what if I would have done this." I sort of just feel at peace.
I notice sometimes I'll still break out bawling all of a sudden over somthing little that reminds me of him or after we've had a good time together. But those spells are short lived and afterwards I actually feel sort of relieved and with a new sense of energy. It doesn't depress me to my core anymore. I think it's just a part of the healing process, so I figure it's not bad to do some major crying every once in a while.
Saturn... Crying is an outlet for pent-up emotions and a "good cry" can do wonders.Be glad you have that outlet.
I am wondering why you tell H "you believe in him, etc". IMHO,you should work on some "active listening" techniques. Just listen to what he says and repeat/rephrase. He doesn't want to hear positive things bout your relationship, at this point. You can't convince him of anything. You are right, he has to come to realizations on his own. Keep detaching...look wonderful,do things for yourself and continue to wait. When My H would tell me he wanted a D. I would just listen..and say "So you think we should D,I'm sorry you are so unhappy" and then I would just drop it. I got more info from him and made him think more,by just listening and validating what he said.
. Skirt has a big slit up the back so I can still pass as a hottee-ha!