My H and I have reconciled after his infidelity. We have seen a C and have made great progress. My H is like a new man, so happy and content, and so very attentive to my needs. Everything is wonderful, but he has had to go 600 miles away for week . He flies home twice a month and emails and calls me regularly. I am missing him terribly and am feeling insecure again. He tells me I have nothing to worry about, that he loves me dearly and will never hurt our daughters and me again. I mentioned renewing our vows months ago and he didn't seem to be too interested. I mentioned it last night to him and he said we could do it next week when he returns home. The problem is he sounded less than enthusiastic. Should I push it? Are vows really that important? A I asking too much? Your input is greatly appreciated!
Yes, absolutely they are. At least to me and you, and a lot of other spouses devastated by infidelity (both sides).
Vows, most, were said in the presence of family and friends, in Gods House and some are accompanied by a religious ceremony of some sort-Christians take the body and blood of Christ...To me that is very powerful. When I found out about the A I felt like those words that had been said, the lighting of the unity candle, the Holy Sacrament... were all lies-his lies to me. He blew it all away. It makes me sad to think of our wedding-I have removed most of our wedding photos from prominent places in the house.
I have told my H that I want to renew our vows someday ; I took off my rings pretty much the day I found out the whole truth, finally months later at his request he put them back on my hand. That's when I told him I would like to renew our vows someday-BUT I told him that I was not going to be the BIG PLANNER of that one (I usually end up doing a majority of the planning for trips/vacations-not all but most), anyway, I told him I would not set it up or even look into it-that he'd have to make the first move on that one. I offered to help, but it would be up to him to start that ball rolling. I also told him I was not ready for that step and would not be for a while, I can't face that now, I have told I feel we are no longer "married"-he broke that-and I left it at 'eventually'.
I have not brought it up again. I would love for him to surprise me with a small private renewal ceremony someday-like on an anniversary-but for now, he knows I want to someday-and am working towards that.
In your case, I would ask your H what he wants to do. If HE wants to. Really wants to. I know y'all have discussed it, but was he honest with you about what he wants to do? I would want to know that he wants to and not just because he knows you want to. If you feel that you have to push him, then maybe it's not the right time, maybe it's too much pressure for him, he feels so much guilt over this. If you have to push the issue it might be too much for him right now. I would try and find out where he's really coming from on this one.
I plan to ask my W to marry me again at some point. Not sure when. I don't want to get hung up on that as an excuse to not communicate with my W as to how important the relationship is to me and to her. I try to show my W how important it and she is on an almost daily basis. Now-a-days W also makes an effort to show appreciation for me and our relationship. Does she do it on the same frequency? No way. I don't get hung up on that anymore as I realize it is my fear that motivates me to some degree.
I urge you to let your H's know that you have need for occasional reinforcement that they are happy with the general direction the R is going. Let them establish the frequency and the method of communicating. Some may only verbalize this stuff on rare special occasions. They may think they are showing their love in their actions. Sometimes the actions may not be obvious to you. Ask them to be a little more obvious.
Example, I leave for work very early in the AM. Sometimes I sit next to W in bed and rub her feet while she sleeps. Sometimes she recognizes it and wakes slightly. Most times, she never sees it. The bottom line is I am thinking of her and I am doing something that I want to do wether she notices or not. The same dynamic may be happening for you at home. Try to notice the little things.
Thanks Me2 for your reply. It meant so much to me because you have gone through the same thing as I have. It isn't easy is it? Thankfully we have found a wonderful C but I can't go crying to her everytime I am down. I think I may be borderline depressed. I don't want medication but I am so weepy and miss my H so much. I,like you, have decided not to mention the vows again. I want him so badly to go for it but he is reluctant. It makes me think he's not sorry for what he has done, but I must turn that around and remember he came home to me and is doing everything in his power to set things right. I must look at the positive things and I must trust him..... a very difficult thing to do under the circumstances. Good luck Me2... let me know how things are going with you and if he does surprise you with vows.
KentS you helped me look at my H in a different light. Yes he is doing so many things that tell me he loves me. He even sent a gift to me for Mother's Day. He has never done that before. He also phones me when I seem down and he constantly tells me he loves me and that he will never hurt our daughters and me again. I have a lot to be grateful for. I just need to remind myself of that. Thanks to both of you!
I thought I'd add my two cents here. Since my h never asked me to marry him in the first place (he did but then backpedalled for two years until I pushed it), I would be totally thrilled if mine were to suggest it. BUT, and this is a big but, he's not going to do that. SO, I have to let go of any kind of fairytale endings. Because it's just that. Renewing vows is not going to wipe away my three years of pain and make everything better and go away, although in some ways I might be tempted to think that way. We've all been cheated of a lot of time, and a lot of emotional energy, that has been spent by our spouses on other people. We feel we want that to be given back to us; it can't happen unfortunately.
So, I would caution you with holding on to a hope that renewed wedding vows will be an end in itself, when the marital work is on-going.
[This message has been edited by AlexN (edited 05-12-2001).]
It will do me no good to dwell on 'fairytale' endings, you are right. I wouldn't call it so much dwelling, as maybe having hope.
Like Dana said, I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am (had a great weekend/Mother's day) but I still like to believe that he would initiate that-at some point- becasue HE WANTS to, to renew what we promised each other-he knows that I feel it was shattered (but NOT beyond repair), and it would make me feel really great if he took the initiative there, because like I said, HE wants to-not because he knows I want him to.
Pipe dream? Maybe, but I like to hold on to the hope that someday he'll be able to do this for himself, me and us. Just like I am still holding on to the hope that someday he'll be able to tell me where we went wrong.
Putting it into prespective, everytime I start to get the blues about 'my hopes' I will think of your words (Alex) and remember like Dana said-be thankful for what I have.
If both you and your H would like to renew your vows then do it. You said your H didn't seem enthusiastic about it so ask him why. I'm wondering if maybe he doesn't want to do this in front of a group of people but might prefer something more private.
Perhaps you could go someplace that is special to the two of you or plan a picnic in the park or at the beach or in front of your fireplace. We have a booklet the church gave us that contains our vows. Find your vows or go to your church or a bookstore and find something there.
At any rate, talk to your H about it again, get his input, and make your plan. Be happy!
