Kent - yes, yes, you're right. Reality check time. I've calmed down a bit since the last post.
Have to add anticipation to the equation, too. I have really not a clue what tomorrow's all gonna be about, could go in any direction. This is her show, she made the appointment, so I'll let her take the lead. Guess I'm anticipating the worst to prepare myself. Not good to do, I guess.
I see the "law of natural consequences" beginning to take affect, and am becoming a bit too impatient, too involved. Too caring? And I guess I'm feeling a bit hurt because W's not letting me emotionally support her as much as I want. I'm sure that's for the best, though, she needs to go through this on her own. I'm trying to give her things she doesn't want or need, and am getting pissed 'cuz I'm getting nothing in return. My fault.
It's just so weird that all this stuff can happen, she can do the things she does, and call me right now and tell me she loves me. She's soooo confused right now, and I'm letting myself get caught up in it, too. I guess for now I'll assume she's ignorant of how her actions affect me and OR, and not take it too personally.
W did tell me about the parenting classes she found that WE can go to that start next month. So she's thinking of US at least that far in the future.
I still feel I must address the om issue while we're with the C. That monkey needs to be off of my back. Off of OUR back if OR is to progress any farther. I still want her to write the goodbye letter to om.
You're right, too much R work. The brass ring is in sight, but still a long ways off. Have to make sure I don't fall off the horse before I get there. Just enjoy the sights while I'm on the merry-go-round. And not let myself get too dizzy and puke like that kid did that was in front of me on our third grade field trip. (Keep the sense of humor, right?!)
Thanks, bud, hanging loose.
[This message has been edited by Jamesjohn (edited 08-08-2001).]
JJ
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Hey, gang, not a lot of time, just wanted to let everyone know the C session went VERY well!! Saw a lot of light bulbs turn on in W's head, and I found out a few things, too. After we left, she thanked me for coming, and being so open and honest. And that she loves me.
No, I didn't bring up om at all. The way things were going, I felt it was better left untouched for now.
Will fill you in on more tommorrow. Thanks for being here when I need to vent, and helping me learn. I love you guys!!
JJ
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****************************************** I still want her to write the goodbye letter to om. ******************************************* Your statement is control at it's finest. Don't tell her this. He is W's problem. She needs to end contact. Let her decide how.
The kid issue may be similar. You against her. Parenting classes are one idea. C sessions to come up with a plan of attack for dealing with the kids is another.
Kent - You're right. Totally controlling, and totally manipulative. Something that telling her would feel good for about a minute, but would set us waaaaay back. Don't worry, I'm not going there. Just a little daydream of mine! I'm learning to put some thought into things before I open my big mouth! Short-term pleasures versus long-term goals. Thanks for checking!
JJ
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As I said in LH's thread, W called the session, so I let her take the lead. She hated the way things were, questioned whether we should stay together, it's not good for either of us. Lots of past issues, got into the "chicken and the egg" thing, where "I did this because you did this because I did this……" I stopped the direction things were going, and got things going in more of an SBT direction. In a direction of recalling when things were going well, what we were doing then. Doing more of what works. This changed the tone of things, in more of a positive theme. We both found out things about each other, lots of light bulbs turned on.
As we were talking, the C noticed the pattern of us wanting different things to feel loved, and neither of us was really in tune it. She suggested we get the 5 love languages book, which I ordered yesterday.
I wasn't really aware before yesterday of what C had been working on with W, turned out to be a lot of co-dependency issues. Sounds like they're still at the beginning of working on it, but it sounds like W is starting to "get it" a little. That she doesn't need to be responsible for everyone's moods and feelings, that she needs to take care of herself first. Emphasizing that I need to take care of myself first, that I need to be strong.
C mentioned how the dynamics of OR had changed recently, had bad the family situation was when I first came back, and how much better they are now. She mentioned me being the "knight in shining armor", and I stopped her there. Told her that's not what I was, not what I wanted to be. That my goal is to not do things FOR W, but rather WITH her. That there are things that I know W has to do on her own, that she's very capable of doing them, and I'll be there to help her when she wants.
C was very good at keeping us on track with OUR issues, and stopped any talk of kid issues.
Our homework assignments-
1) Taking ownership of ourselves, stopping and taking care of ourselves as we need.
2) When we sense something bothering our partner, to not assume, but to check in, ask "is it about me?" (co-dependency issue).
3) Carve out time for each other, maybe in the mornings. (One of my issues, no quality, uninterrupted time. It was kinda funny, W quoted something I said to her about a different situation, about MAKING some time, instead of just FINDING time!)
4) To identify times of goodness and appreciate them out loud. (Catching each other doing things right, and letting the other know. This helps us to realize what things are important to our partner, what makes us feel good. Turns out that a lot of these things are very simple, maybe not hard for the giver to do, but very meaningful for the receiver. The "gift of true giving" thing.)
Feeling pretty good about things right now, the small changes are going, heading in the right direction. We're both doing our homework! Our next session together is in a week. Looking forward to it. Will keep expectations low, and hopes realistic.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!
JJ
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Hey gang! Just checking in to let you know everything's still going great!
Both been doing our "homework" pretty faithfully. In fact, W taped the list of our assignments on the bathroom mirror as a constant reminder to us! She's been practicing the HALT inventory the C taught us about taking care of ourselves (are we too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, too Tired), and taking care of that problem before continuing with anything else. Setting her alarm to get up to see me in the morning before I leave. We've both been "catching each other doing things right", and telling each other about it.
Another thing that came up in the session was her impression that when I distance and detach, she interpreted it as me "pouting". She now understands, with the help of the C, that these are times where I'm taking care of myself. I'm now letting her know that I just need some time for myself, some "JJ time", and things are ok.
She had another "light bulb moment" this weekend as we were talking about the boy. She's looking for some answers about his anger and his constant arguments with her. I suggested to her that sometime she might try not saying a word to him, just let him talk his way through things, act like she's lost her voice. That he's opened up more to me whenever I've done this. He's a guy, and he's a teenager, and it takes some time to really get to the point of what he's thinking and saying. That's when it dawned on her that a lot of times she gets irritated at me within a couple of sentences, cuts me off, and doesn't really let me finish what I was trying to say. She apologized, didn't realize that she was doing that.
Our love languages book came in yesterday, and as I was dozing off last night, I "caught" her reading it in bed. She was MORE than reading it, she was taking notes!
Her back went out this weekend, so I MADE her take it easy and took care of her. This was something that really meant a lot to her, and something I didn't do so open-heartedly in the past.
She's got a lot on her mind, still a lot of "life crap" going on, and more yet to come. The good part is we're sharing what we can of it, and it's seeming a little less overwhelming. For both of us. I'm determined not to force any of the OR stuff, and really appreciating any effort she's putting into it. Learning more about her, and what the things are that really mean a lot to her. I'm still a bit apprehensive about things at times, but am going with Kent's "winding road" visualization. I'm appreciating any and all good things that happen, and the efforts she puts forth. Doing more of what works. Sticking with the previous "recipe".
Progress, not perfection, right?!
JJ
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