Maybe you can provide some insight to this. My wife and I were married for 4 years. We knew each other for 2 years before getting married. She is a clinical psychologist. Her phychology degree is in family counseling. She grew up in a very unstable family, mom died of alcoholism when she was a teen and dad abandoned her when she was 9 because he went to prison. Dating her was actually unbelievably special. We had a spiritual, physical and emotional connection that was very deep. I thought I had my best friend for life.
Once we got married, there were many issues that made the marriage get off to a rocky start. She came to the relationship with 6,000 debt that wasn't revealed until after the wedding that led to stress. I was stressed out but I figured out how to solve the problem. There were times that I did have some anger issues (raising my voice, expressing my frustration with the issue) but we did attend counseling and I became much better at controlling it as time went by. I still have huge regrets for the mistakes I made in the marriage. (although I have been faithful to her through the entire relationship) Early in the marriage, I was controlling over money b/c it was tight with paying for school. I was also down because of a family death and it affected my attitude towards my relationship for the first 6 months of the marriage. I became very frustrated because of an incident at our house that wasn't her fault but it was pretty expensive to fix. I was frustrated with the hassle of all of the issues surrounding it. Yet, I was also getting better at being calm in the face of adversity. In the marriage there were many times that she accused me of being selfish, some of them justified. She sometimes said that she was becoming a different person in the relationship, that she would not recognize the person that came to the marriage because of my demands. On her end, I felt that she rarely ever just admitted fault and said she was sorry. Her mood seemed to change from being the wife I loved to someone that I really didn't enjoy being around within hours. She used her amazing memory to turn around arguments and I would end up apologizing for something that I was originially frustrated with her about. Sex was infrequent for a newly married couple (once or twice per week) and felt as if it were used as a reward/punishment. Additionally, as sex became less frequent, I became more obsessive over her looks and always pestering her to wear her hair a certain way or a certain lingerie. I also told her about a fetish was not healthy. In retrospect, I think it was because the lack of sex (combined with my weakness) made me very lustful. It almost felt like I was testing her to determine her true loyalty or commitment. I regret that so much because it was not what I think now that I've had the time to step away from it all. Also, I would try to get her to go out and drink with me because it would lead to more romantic nights. Before her, I never struggled with alcohol. Now being apart from her, I haven't had an issue with drinking at all. I haven't had the urge even once. Yet during the relationship, I felt the urge to drink quite frequently. I guess the bottom line is that I became a person that I really am not. I look back on those things with huge regrets and sorrow, wondering if any of these issues led to her decline or giving up on our relationship. As the marriage progressed, more issues emerged. I felt like we could have really great days together but one argument felt like it would put us on the brink of a breakup. There just wasn't that natural de-escalation of arguments. Being christian and afraid of divorce, I would comprimise and apologize to avoid that point even though the apologizing made me more frustrated inside.
Throughout the marriage, there were also trust issues. I would sometimes see her e-mail and she would have flirty conversations with old guy friends from her old job in Boston but I never thought anything of it since they lived far away. On my side, there were times that in retrospect I did display co-dependant behavior of constantly living for her and making decisions for her and bail her out financially when some issue would pop up. Yet she was my pride and joy.
Fast forward to this past fall. We were moving to a new city for my job in MN. She got a job in the new city and moved out before me. It was stressful but also a time of great excitement. I finally felt that we were coming into our own as a couple. Her new job was very stressful as she worked with mental patients who were very unstable and sometimes dangerous. We would see each other once a month but her personality became markedly different and she surrounded herself with new friends that did not share our values. Within a month and a 1/2, she was being very secretive with her phone and always texting, our phone conversations were becoming more brief daily and she was staying out late. I thought it was odd but I also trusted her and didn't say much because I had been accused of being controlling in the past. As time went on, she kept bringing up problems with our relationship that were phrased in such a way that I was always the one looking bad no matter what I would say or do to try to fix it. In my opinion, the issues weren't even that big and ones that could have been easily fixed by talking it out and making comprimises. After a couple of days of arguments after Christmas, we had plans to go on a small weekend vacation before I had to return back to my old job for another month. Despite the issues, I felt it would be a time to try to rekindle some love in the relationship. That night we went out to dinner, walked around town and then to a pub for a drink before bed. The pub turned out to be much more crazy than expected. She decided that she didnt want to leave the pub, got drunk, flirted and then actually propositioned other guys and girls for sex. All of this behavior was really odd but I didn't want to leave her there alone and drunk. Upon confrontation that night about the incident, she assaulted me by hitting me. I've never seen her act before. If she had a gun, I felt she would've used it on me that night. I filed a police report. She woundn't talk at all after that night. Couseling hasn't even been an option. She moved out of the place she was living, changed her phone number and its been 3 months now since we talked. After a month, I reluctantly filed for divorce (hoping that it would wake her up and get her to talk) as I found phone records of her repetively calling certain guys phone numbers at odd times of the night and suspected an affair based on the way she acted that night. Also, by looking on th internet, I found out that she also posted a lesbian personal ad online. Now there is a "voluntary" no-contact order between us . However, her attorney has threatened a restraining order if I try to contact her. I guess I am upset because I feel blindsided by this. Until this move, I thought that our relationship was growing stronger but I was wrong. I realized we had issues but I always felt that we were two committed adults who were giving it our all. Upon investigation, I realized that nearly every friend of hers I met over the first two years of our friendship had been replaced over the years. There were always excuses why but it was a consistant high of her new best friend followed by some betrayal and then dumping them. Now I feel like one of them. Some of her traits are similar to Borderline personality disorder.
I am heartbroken. I feel that her knowledge of mental health gives her the edge enough to not get the help she needs. Her family is enabling her behavior and will not talk either.
She was my best friend. I miss her tremendously. We shared many great times throughout the marriage and is a special person struggling with something that I cannot do anything about. Do you think there is any hope? Any suggestions on where to start?
All you can do is start with yourself. Begin working towards making a better YOU. Start reading, go to therapy, learn as much as possible about relationships and marriage, and what makes them great. Join a gym, make friends, take classes, do things you love..... You may not be able to save your marriage, but if you focus on yourself and creating a much healther you, whatever realtionships you have in the future will be much better.
You can't control your wife or change her. Staying or leaving will have to be her choice and you'll need to accept that. But making yourself someone emotionally healthy, independent, happy, stable, etc... will make you the more attractive option (for either your wife or someone else in the future).
When (or if?) you do talk with your wife be friendly, smile and give her LOTS of space. Do not have any expectations, no negative words, blame, etc... just be a great listener and be a distant FRIEND.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Has anyone else had a similar situation that worked out positively? It just seems like there is so much involved and its almost too much to have any hope.
Sadly - if your wife truly has borderline personality disorder the prognosis is not good.
If she's bipolar ( a possibility, especially given her sexual acting out) there might be more hope for treatment; but while she's manic, it's not likely you can help her unless she crashes.
Be her friend from a distance - sounds like good advice to me.
My daughter was diagnosed with this (she's 20). From what I've read, it is best to do be 'in the moment'. DB skills can help with that. It takes a lot of stamina. Take really good care of yourself. Center. Get lots of rest. Make yourself happy.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Sadly - if your wife truly has borderline personality disorder the prognosis is not good.
I can't agree with this. There are many people with BPD who have healthy happy lives. Not everyone with BPD is low functioning.
I agree with sg. As you have to take it day by day with someone with BPD. In the end you do what you feel is best for everyone but I don't think you should give up just because your W has been diagnosed with BPD.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I agree with Jen. At one point, my brother was involved with OW and was separated from his wife. But after a few months, they did reconcile and have been married now and living together for several years since then. I think that was about 5 or 6 years ago. My bro is bipolar as well and I think that was behind some of the problems in the R, but not all. Karen43
Thanks for the encouragement. She has not been actually diagnosed. I didn't realize that she had these BPD tendencies until after the incident with the DV and finding out that she most likely had someone on the side. However, she meets about 5 out of the 9 DSM factors for BPD. How can you have an extended relationship and just never talk again?
Just to add another question...since it seems like this NC will be permanent (because she will have the same restriction against me), then do you think I should write her a letter before the divorce is final (which I can do via the lawyer)? I wouldn't know what to say.. I mean just a couple of months ago we were together and what I thought was in love. Then all this happened. Am I in denial or unhealthy b/c I feel this way when everything has happened already? Deep down, I just feel she is mentally sick and needs help. She needs to know that I still love her. DB doesn't really address this issue, per say. I mean I can improve myself, yes...But I may never talk to the woman again. The same woman that I made a promise to God to honor her in sickness and in health.
