Just checking on you. Happy Anniversary! Way to go. Like me, you understand now that happiness is a gift you give yourself and hanging on to the past junk is no good. It only hurts you more.
Have you read Relationship Rescue? Dr. Phil says you either contribute to or contaminate your relationship. I think about that everyday before I say or do something. It helps.
Hope you're out celebrating!
Violet
P.S. I would also like to thank Kent. He replies to so many on the BB and reaches out to help so many of us. Kent, thank you. You're creating good kharma and may you reap some benefits!
Kent - Hey!! How are you - I've been reading lately, but not posting much right now - busy with end of school year teacher stuff!
The mistake was that I went to post before I was ready and took it all back! I needed more time to get control of my anger and to process things for myself - kind of a test to see if I could do it. I was too reactive and wanted to become centered. At the moment I thought posting would help, but it did not, so I deleted it! OH, well, at least I learned something from it! I did become more centered and less reactive.
Things here are progressing - slowly but that is ok - it gives me time to practice non-reactive behavior. Tough moment last week - I was very reactive - yucky hormone thing!! It resolved quickly though and things are going smoothly.
I find it hard though, that since we have had trouble, almost any argument can end up with H balking about being back together. I realize what this really is, and don't overreact, but it is tough to take.
The actual incident was symbolic to me more than a real threat, but very unsettling.
H called one afternoon to say he was going to stop by the blues club for a beer before coming home, talked for a bit, made sure it was ok with me (I was fine with it) reminded me he knows that trust is still an issue, etc.- everything seemed great! Just a couple of hours later when he came home, I noticed he was keeping his hand in pocket - and realized he had taken his ring off! I stayed calm, asked him about it, he didn't lie, the gist was that "Sometimes he wants to see what it feels like". This after a weekend of great affection, togetherness, and him talking about how much our 10th anniversary meant to him. I tried to let it go and not make a big deal (only partially successful) but enough so that it did help him talk about why he did it. He said he was going to talk to C alone (has not yet - and he knows I don't believe he will) but I am detached from it and act "as if".
Any male insight on this one?
Then, just a week and a few days later....
Sunday he initiated conversation about positive things in our marriage (list of affirmations from GOttman's 7 Principles book is posted on fridge - he wanted to talk about his thoughts for the week!!) He talked about what he has with me - support, best friend, common goals, etc. I was frankly cynical and he became the cheerleader!! FIRST TIME I CAN RECALL!! He talked about how he gets alot of support in this marriage and wants to work harder at giving it!!
Earlier in the day he was very interested in the children playing around us and a pregnant woman in restaurant - I made the comment " I just don't see that happening for me, anymore... I'll be 35 soon, and my life has been too unsettled..." Later, he told me he was surprised by this and that he wasn't sure that we did have the same goals for the future because of my reluctance - This is a switch for him - We have not discussed having children in about a year! I told him that I want to be a parent for the right reasons, and that I would probably regret not doing it, but that I am afraid to have a child with him. THis could have blown up in my face, but he quietly said "I know"... " and then ..."But I think over the next year things are going to get better, etc...., and I really want us to have a child together !! Blew me away!!
It is hard to stay detached when he seems so up and down,(especially when he is saying all those GREAT things I want to hear).Maybe by not jumping in and trying to fix things - I am just starting to see the results little by little of HIM taking the reigns of OR (if only I can trust enough to completely let go - (I have only in the last few months realized how much of a relationship control freak I had become). I just have to be able to weather the "rough seas" of his implusive behavior right now, without overreacting - I never know when his "inner 17 yr old" is going to pop out!!
Thanks for checking on me, bud!
I've been reading your posts to others, but how are things going with you - how about with the family? I know that has been a toughie lately. If you want to bounce it off me - I'm a listenin".
Think about you a lot!
Biv
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-05-2001).]
BB, I knew something was up but waited til i no longer could. Glad you decided to fight back the bad stuff.
I made a post last night and cleared it. Was kinda questioning what is next. I'm on the other side waiting for W. Gotta find a way to occupy my desire for a deeper OR. W actually has been feeling bad physically. Went to study for finals when I suggested she go to bed. She called a bit ago and asked me to meet her at Borders(book store) after I tuck in the little ones. This is a first and a favorite location of mine.
Not sure what you mean about the family being a tough one. Explain if you wish.
I'm glad you were OK. like I said, I knew something was up. I really think you should do the baby thing. It really changes your life for the better. If you wait for the perfect prince, you may miss out. I guess it depends on what you are looking for from life. Me, I'm the original family man. Tom Hanks stole my glory. It was my story in many ways.
Keep in touch Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 06-06-2001).]
I am right there!! I am also on the other side waiting for him (I like the way you put that!)to figure out this is the best thing in his life and that he should be lapping it up like chocolate ice cream - to hell with the messy face!!
About the "family" thing I mentioned, I just remember you having some stuff last week you were dealing with about the kids (you were irritated or something), and being a teacher, I experience that myself from time to time! I was wondering if that was any better for you, and if it was a fleeting thing.
Her call about the bookstore was a plus! I look forward to hearing how it went!! It was a spontaneous gesture - does she do this normally?
H and I love to go to Barnes and Noble and hang out in the aisles for hours sometimes on Sat. night!
It is always nice when they initiate "couple things", but sometimes still hard to take it as nothing more than" a moment" and enjoy it for that. I had a tendency to think "Wow, he really gets it" after our anniversary weekend, and then BAM! He decided to go without his ring while he had a beer.
I know it is no big deal, but it just shows me he is not ready for type of things or the level of committment I AM ready for. Not yet, anyway.
I guess for now , I will be occupying my mind with getting the bod in shape for summer. My workout partner and I are excited about getting in early workouts while we are out of school and reading by the pool!! I really need to read some FICTION!! NO RELATIONSHIP BOOKS THIS SUMMER!
What is your wife studying? Has she been a student long? Does that have anything to do with what happened in your R?
You can answer these when I e-mail you, if you want! I will have a chance to do so today - It is teacher work day at school!! YEEEEEE - HAAAAAAA!! Have a great day!
Biv
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-06-2001).]
[This message has been edited by biv_b (edited 06-06-2001).]
I can understand your being upset about the ring-off issue. It shows that H is still waffling. Remember, It's his problem. Did he do this in retaliation for your night out or was this about him wanting to flirt as a single person? Regardless, you know the drill.
Picked up a new R book last night. "Surrendering to Marriage" by Krasnow. This one was recommended by our C at my final session. 10 pages in and I already like it.
I was drooling over the new King novel "Dream Catchers" but hesitated picking it up $$$$. I luv his stuff especially his Dark Tower series.
Yep it was a spontaneous move for W. At 9:30, we did'nt spend much time there. But, that's OK. W is pretty sick with a sinus infection.
The issue you mentioned must have been my anger issue. When I was on Zoloft, it went away. Now that I am clean, I notice it rearing it's ugly head. It generaly appears after extended exposure to the little guys. I'ts my issue, I've identified it and am working on killing it. I can't even imagine what it is about but I don't like it so it's outa here.
I hope when I'm done that I like the new me.
Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 06-06-2001).]
As a mother of three boys I want to tell you having a child is the best thing I ever did.
It does bring relationship problems, but it's well worth it. Children change your focus and give so much back to you.
Don't wait for perfection from H. It's more your decision. Men participate in childrearing these days. My H did a lot. It's housework neither one of us like.
Just gotta say this to your H: Grow Up!! You handled the ring incident well and I give you credit for that because I would have lost it. The ring symbolizes his being faithful to you and is NOT something he should 'f' around with. Faithful . . . sometimes . . . on his terms . . . when he feels like it? Sorry, just venting!!
We had a similar situation - H going to bar (after playing sports) without his ring - so I did a 180. Went out with GFs and left MY ring on the bathroom counter with a sticky note on the mirror telling H not to wait up. Also went to church a couple times without MY ring and that really bothered H. Anyway, he wears his now, even on Friday nights for sports and beer and he's always checking my hand to look for mine.
If you really want a child, go to it because it is an amazing experience. Just go into it with your eyes open, knowing your H as you do. Best case scenario is that H enjoys fatherhood and grows up and worst case is H never grows up, splits, and you become a single Mom. Not the easiest for you, but doable because you are strong.
How are you - I've been reading lately, but not posting much right now - busy with end of school year teacher stuff!
