Haven't written in a long time. To recap… my H had an affair with a secretary while working thousands of miles away from home. It was short lived and he has returned home to kids and I. We have been in counselling since January (he returned home in September). The counsellor is wonderful and has helped us greatly. She has helped me with depression and has helped my husband get in touch with his feelings and to understand the feelings of others. Together we have seen the counsellor as a family and she has helped our kids forgive their father and has made both my husband and I realize they were affected greatly by him being an absentee Dad. Our love life has returned to that magical early marriage stage and we are happier now than ever. But then it happens… I become myself again. The one who sticks up for herself and has strong opinions. My husband gets his back up and says he hates confrontation. I push him and he says that is one thing that attracted him to the Ow … she didn't argue with him. Did I say she is a Francophone whose mother tongue is French, and whose background is totally different from his or mine? I get so discouraged. I love him but don't know if I can live with him. I am afraid he is thinking of leaving. Why do I need him so? Why am I afraid of living without him?
Dana, Why backslide now? H does not like the confrontations you two have. Time to work out an alternative. When you feel the adreneline start to flow, take a time out and come back after you have calmed.
Funny that you say you can't live without him. Is it that you are afraid of change? Seems I'm going in the opposite direction. My W has been out of town for 6 days. I have stayed home with the kiddes. I was just thinking that I did not really miss her. Boy, is that detatching or what? Not sure if either of our feelings are healthy 100%, but they are our feelings.
Just make sure not to show H any desparation. Always seek solutions. I think your problem with confrontations may have a bunch of different solutions. Work it out with H.
****But then it happens… I become myself again. The one who sticks up for herself and has strong opinions. My husband gets his back up and says he hates confrontation. I push him and he says that is one thing that attracted him to the Ow … she didn't argue with him.****
EXACTLY. I could not have said it better myself.
Is your H a procrastinator? Mine sure is. Not at all in his professional life-based on what he does he cannot be, but where just about everything else in concerned, he is. That is why I used to push, because if I did not, things would just not get done. We bought a live tree (with a root ball) for Christmas last year...it got taken outside to be planted- yesterday. I suggested a few times that 'gee today might be a good day to move Harold-yes, we named it-but it never happened, I did NOT push the issue).
I am different now. Basically I am still the same person, but not the over reactive-fly-off-the-cuff, opinionated and often loud, person I was...but along with that; my confidence, self assuredness, take-charge ability, belief in myself and belief in my H and my strong belief in the sanctity of marriage and monogamy are all but gone too. Sometimes, like you said Dana, I get glimpses of them...but I just can't...
I just had a phone conversation with H, something about taxes, there was a problem, he was trying to explain it to me, I could sense his frustration, now normally I would feed on that and start to get frustrated back-well I let him finish, and very calmly asked him if I could ask a question...I did, it was something he had not thought about before-and was a legitimate question-also may be the answer..it's up to the IRS, anyway, the old me would have reacted totally differently and gotten frustrated back at him. Another case in point, we are planning a party for his parents in June, the 16th, a Saturday. Now, I have looked at the calendar a few times, I KNOW the date is Saturday the 16th. He corrected me the other day and said 'no, that Saturday is the 15th'....he was SO adament about it that I let it go and just said, 'oh, OK', well whatever the date is, THAT is the day.
Today he admitted to me that he was incorrect and that it WAS the 16th. He asked why I didn't pursue that when I knew I was right. I just said, what's the point? You were getting aggitated and I just let it go. He was actually speechless for a brief minute (we were on the phone).
Dana, do you find yourself not wanting to be 'the person you used to be'...because, after all, THAT is the person H cheated on, or do you resent him for it? I think I'm somewhere in the middle on that one. Most days I realize that there are some things about myself I don't really like and HAVE changed.
I used to; over react, react initially with anger, be too loud and even overbearing...however, the confidence I used to exude is one of the things H says attracted me to him. He's also told me that he wasn't really 'worried' about me and the kids when he left to work overseas for that year, because I was such a strong person, he 'knew' we'd be OK. So, what, he felt we didn't need him? He says no, that's not it, he felt secure with the knowledge that I'd handle things...because I was strong.
Hm...how things changed. Now whenever he tells me ANYTHING I wait and give NO reaction for a few minutes, usually I wait for him to ask me how I feel about it. This unsettles him...I know it does.
Like you said, we start to get comfortable, things are going well, we're getting along-the way we used to- then I start to feel like "myself" again and it scares me....like I said above, THIS is the person he cheated on...so now who am I?
I understand where both of you are coming from. The aftermath of an affair and a spouse returning (in my case my h never left)is very difficult. We're dealing with raw feelings, as well as needing to find a healthy balance between trying so hard not to lose them, and trying so hard not to lose ourselves. Have either one of you listened to Michele's KLA tapes? They're great, and might help both you and your spouses to get a better balance. Remember if it's not working, change something. The other good book is Getting Through to the man you Love, she's got some great ideas in there.
