How do you talk to the in-laws?

[fooled again]

I'm not sure if anyone has seen a thread on this subject, either current or archived, and if so, please let me know so I can read up.

My H is in MLC. I'm not quite sure what stage he is in (if you follow the Six Stages of MLC) - maybe withdrawal, or the tail end of replay (God I hope). It started about 3 years ago though I only figured it out in the past couple of months.

I won't go into the all of the details of H's MLC, but it's pretty textbook (see my signature below) - turned 40, lost someone close, job dissatisfaction, got a tattoo, PA (which I think/hope is over), spent his way into major debt, moved out, new life, fired from job, lost friends, disconnected from everything that used to be important to him. The full meal deal.

H appears to be in the process of reconnecting w/ D and w/ me, though he is definitely cycling still, reconnecting then moving away, then reconnecting, and so on, and so on. But he is not reconnecting w/ his parents & siblings - he had always been very close to them his entire life until MLC.

My in-laws are beside themselves with worry. H is out of work, has been for about 9 mos (he was fired), he is not returning their calls, emails, etc. Tonight I finally spoke to my FIL (after about 6 weeks of not being in touch). He is ready to jump on a plane and shake some sense into H.

I did everything I could to NOT mention MLC. I said H is lost, he has to figure this out for himself. I said this is not about them or about me or about anyone else - this is about H and no one can help him figure this out. I said they can't take it personally, that they just have to give him some time to do this.

It didn't work. He poured out about ten gallons of guilt on me about how this is affecting them and how could he do this, cut them off, not call, his mother is sick w/ worry, can't sleep, heart condition (all of this is very true, I have no doubt). What man does this to his family. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I think H is in MLC. I don't think FIL would have understood and I certainly did not want it to get back to H that I even mentioned MLC to FIL. I mentioned that H has been looking for work and is close. I mentioned that I see H regularly and he spends lots of time w/ D. I said he was okay physically, but what is going on in his head is something that only he can fix.

I think it was the right thing to do. I'm just worried that eventually FIL WILL get on that plane, and all hell will break loose. I don't know if H is ready to be confronted by FIL (then again, I don't know if this was just FIL blowing off steam b/c he can't talk to H about it).

Or maybe I need to just step back and let whatever happens b/w H and FIL happen. I certainly don't need the added pressure of having to play referee here. And maybe having FIL come all the way out here and telling H exactly what he thinks of what is going on will be the thing that shakes H out of it. Somehow in my heart I doubt it. Somehow I believe that H is processing a lifetime of trauma, guilt, pain, loss, disappointment - all of which I have seen with my own eyes and stood beside him while he lived through. I know the life H has had and maybe this is what makes me realize where the MLC comes from.

Has anyone out there had to deal w/ in-laws in MLC? I love my in-laws; they are very much like second parents to me. I know they are worried about me too, but they are mad as h*ll at H and very, very hurt. I also know now that I would have a very hard time convincing them to detach (h*ll I can barely convince myself), to let go, to let him do this on his own, sink to the bottom if need be before he can find his way up.

Help! I would appreciate any thoughts, ideas, suggestions on helping in-laws understand w/out using the words MLC.

FA

[MidwesternGirl]

i never mentioned the mlc but i did tell the in laws that he was having an affair.

as a result, they wrote to him and said he was not welcome in their home until he breaks it off with her.

they have not spoken to h in almost three years.

[Going Solo]

In my case, my in-laws were offering to help pay off the mortgage and helped out whenever they could. They still think she made the biggest mistake of her life. When I moved out here last month, they helped pack up the truck and gave me money for gas.

[Tipper]

FA,
About the in-laws, each case is so individual and only you know them and how to act and what to say around them. If you don't think you want to bring up the words MLC due to them probably not understanding it, then just keep saying what you were saying about your H being lost, and needing time to work things out on his own.

Many of the in-laws here get very upset with their MLC sons/daughters, and some refuse to talk to them. If the in-laws blow up at them, it only makes for a bad situation for themselves, as the person in MLC just doesn't want to hear it or deal with it due to their guilt.

My in-laws went to try and talk to my H when he left me the first time and we all had to find him since he wouldn't even tell people where he moved to. My H blew up at them and said to get the F away and that he wouldn't want to talk about the sit. for at least a year with anyone, and to leave him alone. Funny thing is, about a month later he started to reconnect with them and ask his parents all sorts of questions about their family history of depression and all about God, and he needed to borrow $ from them for the first time in his life because he went broke. Since then, he has only visited with them on big holidays or events, and he often will not stay long and never wants to talk about the sit. with them. So my in-laws have learned to not bring the topic up with him anymore.

I have told my inlaws all about MLC, I have even read them passages I found in resources that point out the reasons that I feel his is in a crisis/depressed. They were not so open to it all last summer, but when he left me again this winter - they finally started to say they feel I am right on, and they agree with him being depressed and are actually just as worried now as I have been about my H committting suicide. They are very nice in-laws, that are willing to listen and that feel really sorry for what my H has put me through. My MIL has even asked me the names of the books I have read on Depression so that she can buy and read them also.

Everyones in-laws are different, but it sounds to me like you have explained the MLC thing to yours in a good mannor. You basically are stating the facts about a MLC to them with out actually coming out and saying the words MLC. You are handeling it well. And remember you have no control over how your In-laws will react to all of this, if they come visit to shake some sense into your H, you can't stop them and it will be something that they have to deal with in the long run.
TIPPER

[spitfire23]

Hey Sf,

How refreshing! Your in-laws have a little backbone. When mine found out about the OW she was welcomed with open arms and my FIL said to me, "We don't tell our boys who they should date." This after 20 years of being their DIL.(And I was the DIL they liked! )

It didn't take me long after that to figure out why my EX was so messed up.

It is tragic that your family has been torn apart.

Spitfire

[MidwesternGirl]

Not only did they do that but my FIL disinherited his son.

[cw68]

My MIL is completely supportive of my H and his actions. Two weeks after we separated, she sent me a family cookbook that she had made with family recipes and little stories to accompany them. It came with a post-it that told me it was for me and the kids since I had requested family recipes a year ago. It's really neat and I showed it to my husband. He replied, "Yeah, I know. Mom sent me one too." So 14 days into our separation, she's already divided us up. She's also sent me an email that tells me that no one can promise that they'll feel a certain way forever, that no one should stay in a miserable relationship and that our first priority is to make ourselves happy. She dismissed my husband's EA because they didn't get physical and it's his right to have a friendship with whomever he pleases. She said not to worry about the kids because they are resilient, conveniently omitting my H's issues and her youngest son's drug problems, multiple felonies and the like. Though her oldest is very strong and steady!

Must note here that she's had three kids with three fathers, without long-term relationships with any of them (2 years being the longest relationship she's had and she's over 60). What stinks, too, is that she is a miserable, lonely old woman and IMO she's supporting my H to justify some of her choices.

[fooled again]

Thank you all for your responses. I'm glad to hear that there are quite a few ILs out there who have maintained some connection and loyalty to LBSs. I have always had a great R w/ my IL's and they have supported me since day 1. But then what my H did to me was so completely out of character that they were shocked, since everyone thought that we were so good together and we would be together 4ever. When H told them he moved out b/c he had an A they were completely supportive of me. But that was nearly a year ago, and though in the beginning I would call and talk to them about what was going on, now I don't anymore and I think they are feeling very left out. I can't detach from H while unloading on my IL's - it's just not possible.

Hopefully he will continue to reconnect w/ me because I am showing him more acceptance than he expects from his parents. Guilt has always been a main dish in H's family, so I can see how he'd want to avoid that so long as he is still depressed and lost and confused. Who wants to be reminded of how far they have fallen from the high place they once occupied in everyone's esteem. H is likely waiting until he has found a job and is getting his life back on track before reconnecting w/ his parents so he can show them he is not a total f*&k up.

I guess that's what giving the MLCer space and acceptance can give you back. I know there are no guarantees, but I'm really hoping what I'm doing is going to work. I just hope my IL's don't fly out here and push H far back into the tunnel thinking that they can pull him out of it. But the thought of taking responsibility for that whole scene makes me feel like vomiting, so I refuse to own it.

Maybe some day I can talk to them about MLC, but I am so afraid of it getting back to H - I just can't trust my IL's to not say anything to him about that. They are too fragile and too hurt and I think they would do or say anything to reach him. And I can't seem to convince them that he is unreachable until he reaches out to them, and they just have to wait for that to happen. It has taken me this long to be able to see that myself.

Thanks Tipper. Once again, I think we have a similar perspective. I think I am going to listen to my gut and not mention MLC, but simply try to allay their fears and let them know that he is not in trouble, he is healthy and spending time w/ D and that he and I talk regularly.

FA

[jmw]

I find myself in a strange situation with my MIL & SFIL.

When I 1st discovered H's affair, it was the MIL I rang, sobbing, she was supportive from that day for approximatly 12 months, then things changed.
she did a 360, she removed her support the day H filed, after this contact ceased, MIL agreed with H that S15 & S18 could fend for themselves, that they should be supporting their father and her through this,not the other way round, somehow H had become a victim.

I had to break away, we had no contact with MIL from that day, although I did send cards & presents on appropriate days, in return I recieved cards, not the usual quality, no message of love, just a straight forward "from". I didn't give up on the relationship and 12 months on MIL has begun to contact again, small steps, brighter hello's, friendly chat, I am her link to her grandsons. I do not ask questions & she doesn't offer any information about H. I get the feeling that she is supporting him but at the same time feels for me and my situation.

for all the time I have known H, he didn't really have a strong bond with his mum, he would complain about her, he would need to be prompted to contact her. It is a different story now, H regularly contacts and visits her.

The relationship I had with MIL will never fully repair but I think it will just enough to get through future family events.

[Sandyof5]

As I mentioned in my post my FIL has been nothing but supportive. He gets the whole "MLC thing" and read Jim Conways book himself. He is sick regarding the actions of his son however at same time see whats happening. MY FIL actually went last week and changed all my H inheritances into my name only. If he comes around before he goes to his eternal reward then fine, both my H and myself will benefit. If my H is still "scrambling" and being irresponsible then girls and I will be taken care of.