Out of the Blue?

[kturnernc]

Well, sorry I have been away. I have been trying to deal witht he latest madness. Apparently, my lawyer has stated that she had years ago stopped being involved in litigation and that she would recommend someone for me. WTH!?!?! I had no idea what she was talking about. Well, I was informed that the W and her L was not doing a separation agreement but instead, suing me and going directly into litigation!!!! WHAT?? This was the first I heard of anything like that. So, I called the W. She acted like she did not know what was going on, that her lawyer told her that the route they were taking was very similar to a separation agreement. Well, she seemed a bit confused in all this. But I don't know if i should believe her at all. During our discussion the next morning, I asked her if she understood what is going on. That if she read the papers and signed off on them, that she should know what was is going on. That she was either lying or stupid if she did not know. I reiterated that I had been upfront and honest about everything with her. She stated that she had been halfway honest during it all. So I am not believing anything that is said anymore. Well, she left stating that she would contact her lawyer and try to get her to stop whatever she was doing. When i asked later, she said that she left a message and could not get up with her. Some how I do not think this is true, but i have no idea.

Well the next night I had the kids. She called to say good night to them as usual. Then much later called to talk. She stated that she thinks that the people that we are paying to look out for us are not taking our best considerations into account. That she is going to talk to my therapist so that we can start moving forward with couple sessions. that we seem to be going down a road that we never wanted to go down. HA!! Nice words but only words. They are not matching her actions at all.

Again, needless to say, the path that we were going down once it seemed to calm down, it gets upheaved. Basically, I am trying to make it day by day and prepare myself mentally for a dirty fight. Well, that and meet the nice sherriff's deputy when he serves me my papers.

[25yearsmlc]

KT,

I don't think the new job smacks of a new interest. Not in two weeks. On the contrary, I think she needed some financial security, making something on her own, before she felt safe enough to bail.

I'll read the rest of your posts now, but wanted to say that. And make some comments about couples who face these types of cruel blows from life. Perhaps your W has struggled with depression, "faked" as if she was not depressed when you got the MBA (congrats) b/c to her, that was "trying" and for many WASs, the definition of "trying" or "Working at the M" is by waiting to file for D, or staying in the house... Sounds as if your W may also be grieving belatedly and frankly, that's not BS.

BOth she and you have reasons for being deeply saddened by the death of your daughter, and blessed also, by your healthy son. Though your spina bifida son has problems, and they vary widely in severity so I don't know how disabled he is, but I am sure he also brings you joy.

What plans, if any, does your W have for custody of them? Guess I need to go read up on your sitch. So many issues possible. I'm sorry for you, and I'm sorry for her.

A friend of mine lost a daughter at 3 months, and it was a big deal. To some people I think it was under rated, in that we heard odd insensitive comments about "thank God she only lived a short time".... I guess they meant well, as if it'd be worse if she had lived longer and then died. Who knows? Anyhow, she and her H also have a hilarious 6 year old little boy who just got diagnosed with serious juvenile diabetes. He's Already on insulin injections and has had the ambulance over a few times, including one coma. They're talking of possible dialysis? I've never heard of a kid on dialysis..... Last year, they had an infant boy who appears totally healthy. Like you, they've been through a lot. Things we can't relate to if we haven't gone through it.

But guess what? They ARE happily married. There were times they seemed to need to be alone in their grief, but that was incorrect. Being alone was NOT what THEY needed.

They did a lot of real work together, AND individually. I met them at a "personal growth" workshop I attended alone, and it was actually great (not weird or cult like, or containing obvious but expensively presented platitudes. Believe me, I've gone to several programs over the years, and this was a real gift. When h saw me get off the plane, h decided to go himself, and then we went together. H said he thinks it really improved our M and though that was years ago, we still do some "exercises" from that experience. Probably should go get a tune up.

All I'm saying is that our friends are truly a happily married couple, among the best marriages we know. But life has thrown them some curves. It IS harder for you than it is for those who have healthy children. I get that. My sister's h is terminally ill and that sucks for him and for her. No question, there are some lousy cards dealt to some of us. All WE can control is how WE respond.

God bless and I'll finish your posts...soon as I can.
(( j- ))

[jandn]

Dang I really have messed up. Thought you havent posted to your sitch in a long time but I by trying to go to "My Stuff" and going to the last time I posted and I have missed a bunch. Thought maybe you had slid away from here as I havent been posting much on mine but been viewing it so there might be more on there than I think. What a dumba$$ I am. I need to read up on yours and get reestablished here.

[kturnernc]

Ha dont worry about it at all. I am doing ok right now. I have some good lawyers in my corner. They are ready and waiting if the need arises. Speaking of the need... the wife was actually really upset about some of the stuff that I told her was actually going to happen if she did the suit. Apparently her lawyer did not mention all the stuff that was going to happen and the cost of it all. Well, the wife has called the law dog and told her that she needed to stop the suit. That it was not what she wanted. GREAT NEWS!! She also called me the next night and told me that she thought that we needed to take a step back and work on all of this together. I whole heartedly agree. She was running hell bent on being divorced. She now realizes a bit that this is all a pain in the ass... for everybody! She also brought up the fact that she is going to call my therapist (he has agreed to do couples sessions) and set up an appointment. So things have turned around completely.

That being said, as much as i hate to say it, but it could be a ploy. I know that no amount of not liking or loving me, her being suspicioius of me or whatever will hold up in court. She has no proof because I have done nothing. I am a great father and was a good husband. The 180 she did was kind of sudden. Even though it was a week ago, still no papers my way or appointments made. So I am still half expecting to meet a summons one day. I don't know if i can trust her. Her actions up until this point have not been very nice at all, suddenly, she is being nice. I am going to sit back and see where it goes. I have made some good strides with DBing and will continue. I think some of the changes are becoming permanent, but I am still skeptical because of the short time frame. I will keep moving forward and DBing. If it is not helping my marriage be back together, it is certainly helping me as a person. I feel more positive!!

Oh, and a big thanks for all the positive vibes from here.

[25yearsmlc]

Ken,

assume nothing. Expect nothing. But accept the kindnesses, gestures etc that you do get.

After all, what if it is love just starting to resurface, or could be? What IF Instead of accepting it INTO our hearts, with cautious optimism and warmth, ----

instead, You let your fear cause you to put shields up, turn away from whatever her offerings are? Then you are bringing about/causing the very thing you most fear, a setback or worse.

Feeling safe partly comes from inside us, knowing we'll be alright even if they DO leave us...hard to explain.

But if you are overly/overtly/openly too suspicious or HOLDING BACK you will likely lose. I'm the expert on that, b/c I worried if I "rewarded" h's gestures "too soon" after he hurt me, then he'd take me for granted and repeat past bad stuff. Some of the "bad stuff" was bad in my opinion, not his, first off. So witholding was a total waste and Negatively damaged our M, more.

Some of h's stuff was "bad" in both our opinions, true, but if H's efforts weren't "delivered" the way I wanted them delivered, or insufficiently in my eyes, I'd close my arms (emotionally at least) to him when he did come home, to stay SAFE. It did nothing to make him Want to come home sooner. So, my behavior, however brilliantly justified, did NOT WORK.. so naturally, I kept doing it for years....cheeseless tunnels, etc.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? So what if she's pretending? If she's "acting", she could be "faking it til SHE makes it", and be trying to make it. But here, with her apparent efforts, how do YOU lose by trusting, NOW that you see evidence and movement on her part and YOU have ALSO made changes, you've become a new man, stronger and more centered and a better H, which increases HER chances of sticking around. Sure it'd hurt like hell if she bolted again, and staying together, "piecing" is NOT easy. But YOU'd know YOU had done all you could, and you would survive with or without her, b/c you already have. I am NOT saying cancel all L appointments and re-open the joint accounts, move back in, etc., YET.

But being cold to her, when she's opening up to you, is rejecting her. Isn't it So so much worse to do that, lose any chance of reconciling and then get to wonder all your life instead, , "geez, did I just ruin my best 2nd (or 7th) chance I'll ever get?" You don't have to jump into water that still has icebergs in it, but seems like she's sending some real signals. Sometimes LBSers tell themselves to reject the WAS at least once, to teach them a lesson. I think that comes from a place inside us, OTHER THAN a loving one. Like a punitive place.

I'm rambling. You DO have a lot of work to do to MAKE the marriage a happy one --but both of you had a lot MORE work ahead of you to make your lives as single people happy, without each other. "Working" on a marriage with two people into it, isn't exactly digging ditches in hell either. I mean, I just had a "date" with h. That's "work" I'm fine with,

so don't forget to Love your Work! Keep it up !!

Yes,to be sure, stay safe and smart and protected (don't sign away things or recommit too fast, etc.). But dont' turn away the very thing you've been waiting for.

You can keep yourself safe by staying strong, and still be open to love and forgiveness, asking and receiving it, AND giving it without being asked...

((( j= )))

[one_light]

Man, I think it is great that she wants to go to couples counseling. I know you are skeptical and perhaps you should be. Having said that, what do you really have to lose compared to what you have to gain? At the very least it will give her another perspective than the one provided by her L who seems to be rather aggressive.

[kturnernc]

Don't get me wrong. I am not pushing her away. I really see the couples sessions as something that will help the two of us or hope that it will. I am skeptical of the couples counseling because she has not committed to it yet. She keeps bringing it up, but I cannot make her call the therapist and make that appointment. I am going regularly and she is supposedly going to her counselor but, there has been no movement on a joint session. I think that it would be helpful, but I cannot push her into it. She already accuses me of trying to control her. I never thought I did, but apparently she does. For that reason I am being very cautious as we persue it. I bring it up occasionally, but do not push. In my opinion, her counselor is not a very good one. We went to couples with her after my daughter died. Basically W had been telling her in sessions about me and all the things I had done to her or said, then when i got in there for a group session, she just turned on me and started grilling me. I never went back. It was not a healthy environment.

Me being cautious is because I have yet to see a summons or a dismissal. So, as of right now, there is no proof either way. I do not trust her lawyer on this. I believe her in that all of this is not what she wanted, but I also think that her lawyer is talking her into things that she does not want to do. I don't trust the lawyers. That compounded with the fact that she never brings up anything about the current situation it is impossible to get anything done. We cannot finalize or do anything forwards. Very hard to plan for.

I am still working on myself, but mainly looking for just time to sit and watch tv. Work is extremely hectic right now and there is no time to relax. That combined with horrific seasonal allergies... ugh, they have never been this bad!!

[Kimmie Lee]

Hi Ken. Sorry you find yourself here and the people on this forum are a great comfort when I have been down.

Do not feel the least bit bad about being skeptical of your W's sudden change in attitude. This is a very common ploy to use during a D. Also, why in the world would we trust anyone who wants to leave us? I mean, seriously?

I am headed toward the big D, and as much as I love my STBX, I am absolutely not confused about the finances. The WAS makes their bed, they should be more than happy to lie in it. What the hell did they think would happen? That the Magic D Fairy would provide for their Shiny New Life without us?

[jandn]

Yeah Ken, our sitches get to be about the same more and more everyday trying to figure out what and how they really want from us and how we really dont know if they are worth fighting for or not. The whole lawyer thing really sucks watching money getting pissed away when you hear "hope we are better by then""we dont know whats going to happen with us""everytime we disagree on something it costs us money""we have until (date) to work it out" when the signs are pointing to reconciling. I dont know about you, but it seems like there is just one thing that is going to take your wife or my wife and its going to flip a switch and then everything is going to work out but finding that thing has been the hardest hunt ever. Think mine would have been last night when W about got a dui, but instead got three tickets and told by the cop it was her lucky night!

[kturnernc]

Well, Kimmie, i think that she is waiting for the D Fairy to come and give her the magic cure. That pretty much just sums it up. She has no visible doubts or worries considering her decision to file. She is continually telling me if we get into a discussion that she is happy and free for the first time in a long time. I think that she honestly believes that Marriage should be easy and require no work. Who knows? I am not waiting for her to feel bad about the whole thing. I am not even sure that is possible or will happen. The W tends to be fairly stubborn. This is a major hurdle for me in trying to show her anything.

jandn, 3 tickets?? Wow. That is nuts. It sounds as if the W is trying to convince herself that she can still party and everything like she used to do. Maybe drowning her sorrows? I would keep an eye on her drinking though. Too much can be a really bad thing. Especially the driving portion of it. don't be too overdemanding, but caution her.