W told me a little more than 1 year ago no longer in love with me etc. For next 6 months Or continued to deteriorate as wife withdrew into cold hostility. I vigorously applied principles of DivorceBusting, etc. She moved out October 1, 2000. Soon after moving out, “went public” with affair with guy I know she talked to several times a day during the period of estrangement. Through the separation and affair, I’ve been able to slowly rebuild the relationship—warmth and friendship, no sex. In November and in January, w made major movements back toward me and it looked like we would reconcile. The most recent movement at end of January we bought new furniture and repainted the house. Each time she pulls back and the affair appears to flame up again. She has told me and a friend of hers a several times that she doesn’t feel there is any future in the affair but still thinks there could be a future with me and has a few times tried to break it off completely with Om. She doesn’t talk to me at all about her feelings and what’s going on in her life, except for during the big moves toward reconciliation when she spontaneously talks about Om, her feelings, etc. So far, I’ve taken the advice from DivorceBusting and not initiated conversations. Last week I asked her if she thought there was any hope for us (since we’ve now been separated 6 months and estranged for 1 year) and she said “I don’t know”—which I believe is her honest to God answer to the question and not an evasion. I asked her how she would feel if I started dating other women and she said it would bother her and make her sad/mad whatever. She refuses to go to counseling with me. For last several weeks, we’ve had relatively little contact, but she seems to be spending lots of time with Om (but I’m not sure of this since I don’t check up or spy).
The question I want your feedback on: I have been considering giving her an ultimatum like stop seeing Om and work on us for 3 months or lets get a divorce, but I haven’t. Sometimes I think her affair is almost like an addiction, but she doesn’t tell me enough to really assess that. Any advice? Ultimatum? More of the same—which is supportive, nurturing, loving? She’s 35 I’m 45, married 8 years (first for both of us) 6 and 4 year old kid. She comes from very dysfunctional childhood and hasn’t dealt with any of those issues. I love her and don’t feel like I must present an ultimatum, but at same time I worry that I am enabling her and letting her drift further and further away.
This is total brainstorming so pls take as such: what would happen if you told her exactly what you wrote here: that you have thoughts of moving on but are ambivolent? Of course then add that your first choice is to work things out as husband and wife not as co-parents.
MF- from all the posts we've shared these many months, that sounds like a pretty good summary. Posting here so others can have one perspective and critique it, agree or add to it.
We have witnessed w moving closer to you but also see her not distancing herself from OM. After thinking about yesterday's advice to you, I thought more about trying to avoid actions that would force her to seemingly move towards you. That tactic really doesn't sound very appealing at all but neither does leaving her free and unaccountable to use OM for whatever need he is meeting.
You have made a lot of progress but it just feels like something else needs to be added to the mix. 17baker writes about being mysterious, a technique we have seen written about before elsewhere. Maybe that is what is needed now. Does that mean date? I don't think so but being unavailble with out telling w everything your doing seems like something you might want to consider trying. Don't know, hopefully you will get some good advice here.
Also, I posted on the ivillage boards before and found many of the posters very receptive. It gave me a whole new perspective on many things. Under the "relationship boards" there is a sub topic of "infidelity" including, "ending my affair." Many many of those posters (from what I recall before) were emotionally torn to pieces as they struggled with their situations. I was well received because I shared my heartfelt desire to understand the issues that caused my wife to fall into a EA and then PA. I shared that I wanted to change me and help her return to me by being the kind of husband a wife would value and love. Blessings to you my friend. Here's the link: http://www.ivillage.com/relationships/boards/
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
If your W has pride, don'tyou think she will immediately make her decision, if presented with anultimatum, and the decision will not be in your favor? Of course, she may regeret it later, but why send both of you through this?
A lot depends not on what is said but how it is said.
Suggestion: simply tell her (peacefully) how you feel about her, how you still love her and want to build the future together. Then tell her (also peacefully but firmly) that you can't take it any longer, that this was too much for you, that you will still remain her friend and be there if she needs your help, but you are moving out of her life.
This is rather an LRT than an ultimatum (but the same meaning), and you need to be ready to accept her reaction, but it has beter chances to really convey your messge instead of making her angry (who likes to be cornered?).
I know at leat one case when this this worked IMMEDIATELY, bringing the W back and out of the OM, making her realize how important her H is for her and how little the OM means. She did not feel "being in love" with her H at that time, being rather upset and hurt by him (for many reasons), but this was a life/death situtation, and she did not hesitate a minute.
Five years later she is deeply in love with H and knows this is forever.
Thank you for your reply. You are right of course. Holding a bazooka to her head is not a very loving or nurturing thing to do! I kind, calm but foreceful discussion like you outline would definitely be better--I especially like the part about still being friends and being there if she needs me since we do have 2 small kids.
I shared this on the First "She hasn't left" board (I think) but in addition to visiting ivillage before, I also had ongoing online correspondence with a woman who was in her MLC and had had an EA and a PA. She was struggling with trying to get back to doing "the right thing." That dialogue helped me to better see things from a woman's perspective. To feel some of what my wife might have been feeling as she slipped into doing something that caused her and her family great pain. On the ivillage board now, I see women who represent my wife at the various stages she has gone through (depending on which board you visit). Some are finding their "happiness" in OM's arms and wish they could end their marriage. Others are content to continue the affair even if they stay married. Some want out and will stay married because of the kids BUT do not desire to reconcile. Many are just completely emotionally torn to pieces
I was comforted and encouraged by many of these posters when I shared my heartfelt desire to be a better friend and husband to Mrs. C2H with the goal of bringing her out of her EA/PA. To read about their torment helped me to have compassion for my own hurting wife.
As you now know, our relationship is now greatly improved. We are able to talk through our issues, and while we sometimes get pretty heated about some things, we get over them quickly and work on whatever the real issue was that caused the problem. I hope the sight provides some insight to you if you visit there. C2H
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
