Hello, everyone! I can use some good advice. I know we all are seeking that, that's why we're here, right? :O) Anyway, I am feeling pretty lost and need some words of wisdom. Here's the short summary:
M - 40 H - 39 1D - 7
He first said he wanted a D back in March 2007; came back in mid-May and said he felt he was making a mistake. Said a lot of things that made me believe we could make it work. June through Sept/Oct was great, then things started to slip a bit.
Our major issue is the fact that we have not had another child. I really do want one or maybe two - and I realize our time is running short - but I have struggled with my weight. I want to get back to a healthy weight for a stress-free pregnancy. I have done a good job so far (losing about 50 pounds) but there is still a little way to go (for me to feel really ready). I think my husband (who has hyper-metabolism and can eat anything) feels it should be happening faster.
Then there's the job issue. He has felt I had been too wrapped up in my work, more focused on that than on a baby. Bear in mind I was the sole source of consistent financial support over the last year and a half.
However, in this time frame my husband has dealt with job loss, difficulty at starting up a business, too much drinking, tobacco use. These are things that bother me a lot (the drinking and tobacco) because I feel like he has put pressure on me to get really healthy for the pregnancy, but he has not put himself under the same standards for health.
Now, I feel there is this wall up between us. We did talk last night but I feel like it's him talking at me and not really hearing anything. I get tongue-tied around him lately and I hate it. It feels very judgmental. He said he thought our marriage "sucked" - isn't that all warm and fuzzy? He said we lack closeness and that it's not how a marriage should be. I agree, but when I have asked him to do things lately, he's "too busy" with his work deadlines. The pot calling the kettle black, anyone?
I told him that his seeming coldness these last few months does not motivate me in the least to want to have another child with him. I feel like he is so resentful of the fact that we haven't had another baby yet, that he can't really forgive me (because he views this as primarily my fault since I didn't "get ready" the way we had planned to. There's a lot more to it, and I don't want to paint a picture like I'm perfect and he's an ass. He's not, and I'm not.
I am just frustrated and I need help. I feel like we got this second chance but we don't have the tools we need to move forward and get some good work done. He comes from that school of thought that says if you're with the right person, communication and closeness "just happen" - and that's such a crock, but I can't get him to see it.
Does anyone have anything that can help? We're supposed to be talking again later this week to kind of set a plan for where we're headed, you know, I want this, you want this, does it mesh? But beyond that, I really believe we need strategies for strengthening our marriage, even if he thinks it won't work. I need someone else's opinions to help me.
I believe there's still genuine love between us, and we're both so scared to trust each other (me, because he wanted to divorce me, and him, because he feels I let him down or changed the rules on him re: kids)... can we get past this? I don't want to be a statistic. I want to make our marriage stronger and be a couple that "gets it."
You guys would be good candidates for retrouvaille. Check their website for dates and locations of weekends. http://www.helpourmarriage.org. They can help you with communication. Once the communication problems are fixed, often everything else can be fixed pretty easily. It's a fabulous program. turned my marriage around completely, and plenty of others. See Rogerrespondents new thread for more info. Plus, check the search function, there's been a lot of info on this board over the past 6 months.
Yes and no. We have both been in individual counseling (with the same counselor - sounds odd but it was working), and then we get together for joint sessions from time to time. I think our counselor and we underestimated how "ready" we were/are to scale back the joint sessions.
I don't know what is helping or what is hurting anymore. I feel so tongue-tied around my H, because I feel like I know what he's going to say, so what's the point? And that's not a good attitude, I know. I have to figure out why I am that way with him. I speak my mind to everyone else, I think it's just that my confidence is so shot down from the last year we've had. It really stinks. I feel like anyday the other shoe is going to drop and we'll be right back where we were a year ago. I hate it.
I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy in all this, the one who didn't make things work. It takes two to make or break a maarriage, right?
Thanks. I will check that out. Can I ask, in your situation, who was the one who wanted to leave and who wanted to fix things? Do you really think a weekend and followup in a program like this can be beneficial when there's so much resentment built up? My husband is much more resentful of the fact that we haven't had another baby than even he realized, and I don't know if he'll be able to get past that. The thing he doesn't realize is that the longer he holds onto that anger, the less likely he makes it that we'll ever get to that point where we'll have the next baby. I feel so unappreciated and undervalued right now, it's really sick. I know I deserve more and better than this.
Is the Retrouvaille weekend extremely religious-themed? I am Catholic, but we're not hard-core religious people. I think anything with really pushy overtones could turn us both off.
Thanks for taking the time to write back. I'm so sad and frustrated right now because I feel like we had this second chance and because we didn't know exactly how to make the most of it, we're going to lose it altogether.
