When a spouse is acting suspicious by taking phone calls outside that last for hours on end does the other spouse have the right to investigate on their own if the spouse is acting suspicious and denies any wrongdoing?
I went through my husband's cell phone records on the cell phone bill since the bill was extemely high and then went through the numbers on his cell phone and found multiple numbers that were of a concern to me. I brought it to my husband's attention and he denied ever making the calls. He said it must have been someone at the bar who borrowed his phone. I didn't believe him and he holds it against me that I do not trust him.
I looked through his computer and found that he had been romantically involved with another woman online for 3 years. We'd only been married for 1 year before he took up with her online.(Keep in mind that 99%) of their communication was while he was at work online or outside on the phone for hours on end with her. What I found blew me away. He was making promises of showering her with gifts if only she'd marry him. He had told her that he'd waited his entire life for a woman like her and he'd never loved anyone like he loved her. He denied that it was cheating and said it was just an online release where he could talk to someone who would listen to him and he said their phone sex was better than anything we'd experienced together as a couple.
He dropped his wallet out of his pants one day on the way to the shower and when he realized it came running in and snatched it up looking at me in a funny way. That got my curiousity up and one day while cleaning out his truck which I did every Spring by his request I came across his wallet and found his girlfriend's picture in it with the words "My Baby" written on the back. When I confronted him about the picture of another woman, his girlfriend in his wallet he became outraged that I had invaded his private belongings.
That hurt my feelings. I called her a whore and he punched me in the jaw about knocking me down.
A year later he still hadn't deleted their love letters from his computer that was in our bedroom. I felt like I was being punished for having found the stuff in the first place. I told him I didn't like sharing my bedroom with their love letters still on the desktop. Instead of deleting them he yanked the computer from the desk and stomped outside and threw the whole computer in the lake off the pier.
To this day he is furious that I "Invaded His Privacy" and that I had no right to dig into his private belongings.
I received a phone call from a friend of my husband's girlfriend wanting to know his work phone number. She said it was urgent and she had to get ahold of him. My husband yelled at me for getting upset over this phone call and told me to mind my own damn business. I thought being married to him made that phone call my business since they called me here at home.
He's furious at me for acting scared of him when he gets angry. He says he's never done anything for me to justify being afraid. Once after a fight when he was extremely angry at me he decided to clean his gun and he kept giving me hateful looks while doing so. I wasn't taking any chances so I left with the kids for the day. He said I was over-reacting to make him look like the bad guy. He'd never cleanded his guns after an argument before and I felt uneasy about the whole situation so I acted in what I thought was the responsible way by just heading out for a while.
I was at a friend's house this summer and for the first time was away from home alone without the kids. I got a call from the kids who are 24 and 16 telling me they were concerned for me because Dad had come through the house asking where I was and when I'd be home. He walked back outside and grabbed his Machete and began whacking the weeds down. I got home as fast as I could. It was out of character for him to do anything like that since he hasn't taken a notion to do any type of yardwork in 11 years.
I've known people who've had affairs and they were always paranoid about where their spouses were and what they were doing. One friend of mine timed her husband if he went to the store for milk.
When a spouse is acting supsicious and refuses to talk to the spouse inquiring does a spouse have a right to investigate on their own to find out the truth on what is really going on?
He is still furious that I had the audacity to invade his privacy and he will never forgive me for it. I should have never touched his computer, wallet, or phone. I had NO RIGHT!
I called her a whore and he punched me in the jaw about knocking me down.
I would worry a lot more about the physical and verbal abuse than any privacy issues or any affairs. Do you think you deserve to be someone's punching bag? Chances are the abuse will continue and may increase. Do you really want to live that way?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I strongly agree with Root on this. The fact that your H could strike you at all, let alone punch you and knock you down, is the most alarming aspect of your story.
Physical abuse is beyond the pale. You should not tolerate this, and it makes me worried for you.
I know how it is to be married for many years and think that you have to continue to stay M b/c of the family, but you do not have to live in those conditions. IMHO, you need to get away from him and stay away. He has serious problems and I think it is unsafe to stay with him. Don't worry about what he says, have courage and self respect.
Please take care of yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Physical danger aside (and I agree with the other posters that you need to get out of that situation) I have encountered this same thing with my wife. She was/is *furious* with me that I invaded her privacy. She blames me and my snooping and what she calls my need to control for all the problems in our marriage. She claims that my snooping on her was an equivalent or worse betrayal as her affair!!! Of course it is all justfication for them to feel better about the bad choices they have made. I contributed to the marriage issues (we all do!) but it is completely wrong to blame her affair on my snooping. Her affair was her choice, not mine.
I saw an interesting perspective on the right to privacy recently that goes like this: people absolutely have a right to privacy for all issues that do not effect the marriage and the other partner. It is without a doubt in my mind that an affair certainly effects the partner, therefore anything that the LBS has to do to find out is fair game (in my opinion). My suggestion - worry more about your safety and the well-being of your children than whether you violated a trust that was already shattered by your husband.
As an aside, now that I absolutely know about the affair my need to snoop has completely evaporated. It amazes me that my wife can deny her affair even in the face of very incriminating evidence, but I believe that is the "fog effect" we hear about.
I am the last person I thought would ever find herself in the position I am in. I am doing my best to get out of this situation but I don't see it happening overnight. I don't have any family and there are no shelters in my area. He's made sure that nothing is in my name including the car I drive. He earns 63,000 a year and doesn't use a bank and tosses out his paystubs before coming home after cashing his checks at the bar he hangs out at. I'm given enough every two weeks to buy groceries and pay the electric and phone but not a penny more and I have to account for where every penny goes by showing receipts. If I need gas for the car I have to ask for extra money and account for why I need it.
Getting abused physically is the least of my worries at the moment believe it or not. It's keeping me and the kids alive.
Here's an insight on how his mind ticks. He buries his trash or dumps it elsewhere, he killed two of our cats and tossed them in the pool and left them there for us to find all bloated in the spring when it came time to use it, he claims he could ditch bodies where they'd never be found, he has punished me by telling me I don't deserve to live in a nice house. The ceiling has numerous tiles that have fallen out where the rain comes pouring in and the wall is buckled on two sides from where the rain warped it. I nailed the doors shut on all my kitchen cabinets years ago because the back wall was giving way, I had to put boards behind the sink to keep the faucet from falling back and I can't scrub it or it falls off, he refused to put salt down in the winter when there was nothing but ice outside even after I fell and broke my foot and sprained my right knee. He couldn't be bothered when that happened and I needed help getting to the bathroom. He told me to wet myself and he'd get to me when he got home. He said I was a heartless B because I wanted to put salt down when it could dry out the dogs paws and he thought I cared more for the dogs than putting them through that.
He has family that works for the Sherrif's dept. and will stand behind him 100%. I fear if I move out he will kill me but I plan to move out anyways. I'm putting applications out for housing but there are limited places available right now.
PLEASE get out of there. I, for one, would never tell anyone to give up on their M, but my lord. The dead cats thing?!! That is a prelude for horrific violence to come. I've read and heard that animal abuse is very often a precursor to violence against people, as your H's statements about being able to hide bodies.....I am just so very sorry and scared for you and your family.
There has got to be help somewhere nearby. If you feel you can't go to the proper authorities, what about getting in contact with a local church? Some kind of support group? People will help if you ask for it.
Please be careful and take care of yourself.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Oh wow.. Crystal Blue yes PLEASE get out!! You said you have no family or friends in that area - which tells me you should not only get out but go far away to be safe.
Are you in the US? Without getting too specific on location maybe tell us a state? I'm hoping that someone here may know of local resources that can help you.
It sounds like he's mentally ill and it's getting worse. That's common as people get older. My grandfather went from controlling (similar to how you describe your H) to flat out mean to violent and dangerous... it was weird to watch it happen. Please get out before something even more awful happens to you or the kids.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
