HEY GANG, WEEK 6, the household is functioning ok, I think we all feel a little more comfortable. things have been pretty good. It got a little rough last weekend. my wife gave a birthday/family dinner for about fifty to seventy prople at our home. I felt i was helpful but also felt out of the loop, so to speak, no sit down participation in the planning. Afterwards, she brought up some old stuff, accusations that other people think i am stand offish and mean. this is something that we previously went around about for about two or three years. I started to take a look at it and made some adjustments concerning her family and closest friends. I am very particular about who i let in my live and it is my right. I have been blessed with an automatic bull shit detector, even tho, I treat everyone respectfully and courteous, that's all they have coming unless they strike me as very genuine or interesting. My wife on the other hand speaks from a perspective of having known people pleasing and control issues. People pleasing because she wants those people to preceive me a certain way and wants me to act a certain way to produce that perception, (her own little perfect world at least ). I feel that she sometimes does not have acceptance for me just being myself or faith that God knows what he's doing, I have excellent communication and interpersonal skills. She spent about 30 minutes Sunday pointing out flaws and defects in my character. This little practice was deadly when i did it prior to our separation and it made me feel defensive, to say the least. I basically told her i don't mind a pull up but i do mind a (brow) beating. Now stick this on top of the fact that we haven't made love since i have been back and the renewed stress of bills, home, the business and taking the kids back and forward to school everyday, you have me just coasting trying to stave off depression. I am really trying to be patient with this sex thing I have asked and made a couple of references to it and was not verbally rejected even tho the body language said something different. I would really like to hear from you guys, because my committee is becoming activated and I'd much rather hear from you. mike g
Since I don't know you well this could be off base...but...I recently complained to my therapist that I wish my H would give me a map to his heart as complete as the one that I could give him. I'm trying not to be critical of him and doing better. Maybe if you think of your wife's comments as invitations to win her heart back you'd figure out how to use them to your advantage.
I can identify with the dealing with friends/family issue you describe. My H is somewhat similar to you in that if he doesn't find someone fascinating he doesn't talk much (now it does get me that he tends to find very attractive women fascinating but that's another story). Any way there are many times when I'm called upon to socialize with people from his work and I'm always very attentive to them (I'm generally pretty attentive to all humans and plants too for that matter, so this comes easily for me). When my H does not reciprocate with my friends, family, or coworkers, I feel that he's being disrespetful to me because these people are important to me. It's the same as if I were telling him something important to me and he discounted it.
Let me know if I'm off base folks. Hope you can help me be more encouraging and less fault-finding of my H. I hear some of what my H seems to experience in your words Mike. It helps me to hear someone else express what my H seems to go through. Don't know why I can't figure it out by observing him but I sure am glad I can hear it in other people's words sometimes. Your post helps me be that much more determined to communicate positively. Thanks.
Take heart, warmest wishes, ALTL
[ October 10, 2001: Message edited by: alottolearn ]
Mike, JJ is right. Chill out and get away for a day or so if necessary. Things take time to change. It will be your changed reactions that will ultimately facilitae change in how your W deals with you.
It's been almost a month since there has been any sex in my house. Alot of illness, exhaustion, a W with a reduced libido and various other issues have made it so. Do I recognize it? Yes! Am I planning to do something about it? yes! Do I allow myself to obsess about it trying to find the hidden meaning? No! Not any more. W and I hold hands alot now. She gives lots of little signs of affection that I never noticed before. As I posted on another thread, it's the balance of things that has shifted.
Try to focus on ways to reduce your stress and W's stress. This is something worthy to think about. If your like me, succeeding at making her smile will help reduce your stress and anxiety. Try it to see if it works. Don't lose sight of the fact that this reconcilliation thing is tough on W as well as you. What can you do to make it easier?
hey gang, it's been a while, i have been so busy working three jobs and still having the store. Well, are you ready for this. I am as happy as hell right now. Things seem to be going pretty well and have been for 4 or 5 weeks now. My name is officially Babyyyy again and we both seem to be working out the same kit, so to speak, W is busy as ever and it's ok. she is taking 21 hours to finish up her degree requirments and in addition to Word Services (our first business before the store) which she pretty much runs now, she has started a new cosmetics business. So we're on the go, we're appreciating each other, we're talking to each other honestly, we love our family to pieces, i am not dealing with any unrealistic expectations and taking it one day at a time. She even tells me she loves me (swoon) peace
hey gang, Just checking in, here's the latest: This is the fourth month back home and things are going suprisingly well. we are both giving this thing our all. I feel that my W is in this space because she finally understands and believes that i have forgiven for her indescretions. Finacially, we are being challenged but we both are happy. This time I'm not assuming or guessing. She has actually told me she is happy. I guess after about six months I'll be confident enough to place a post in the success stories forum. Peace mikeg
Just thought I'd post a update. it has been so long since i have been on the board. Here it is in a nutshell, after a 1 year seperation and contemplating the big D my wife and i have been back together for 2 years as of September. Life is great, we're expecting a baby! Business is going well and i think i need to continue to give back some of what i got from you people through this board. Hi to those of you that were around (rayanne, kent s, jamesjohn) and glad to meet you to those that weren't. I have made a vow to check in more often. I do need to say DBing is just as important now as it was in crisis. it works! PEACE! MIKE G
Mike, Congratulations on the baby. Thats quite a committment the two of you have made to working on your relationship. You should be proud of yourself.
). I feel that she sometimes does not have acceptance for me just being myself or faith that God knows what he's doing, I have excellent communication and interpersonal skills. 
but that's another story). Any way there are many times when I'm called upon to socialize with people from his work and I'm always very attentive to them (I'm generally pretty attentive to all humans and plants too for that matter, so this comes easily for me). When my H does not reciprocate with my friends, family, or coworkers, I feel that he's being disrespetful to me because these people are important to me. It's the same as if I were telling him something important to me and he discounted it.
mikeg