Oh and I almost forgot.. This one really floored me..
We were sitting and talking (after the whole work blow up thing) and we were at her mothers house. In the past my mother in law and I never saw eye to eye, to say the least..
After I had sat and talked with w for awhile, her mom came and sat in the same room with us. I told her thank you for taking care of w.
And she said "I hope that you know I want my daughter to be with you, I think you are so good for her"..
I almost fell off the couch.. It took me a second to mutter out a thank you..
I want desperately to tell her that as long as he is in the picture, I am not. But I think that would be extremely counter productive.
That is a boundary. One that you cannot bend on, once you both establish that boundary. And that is going to be a hard one to swallow. Be sure of her attitude toward you before issuing that particular ultimatum to her. You have to be able to back up your words.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I think now is most likey not the best time to try and put that boundary in place.
Slow is very important, I of course want to jump right in, but I know that at this point it would be dumb...
I am still using the db techniques, I am reading her and knowing when I start to overload her, so I back off.. Especially this week as her grandmother is going down hill fast..
I went up to c appointment yesterday and saw w while I was up there. We spent most of the day together.
We were driving over to get lunch and I was telling her a little about c session.
She stopped me in mid sentence and told me:
"I can't tell you how much you mean to me, you have always been there for me. And when things went bad at work you were there for me, you were the only one that believed me, believed in me, and was there for me". She said "I can't tell you how much that meant, It showed how much you love me"... "You could have gotten mad at me and told me that, I made my bed now sleep in it, but you didn't, you stood by me"...
"I can tell that the changes in you are geniune and that you are not just trying to BS me into coming back, I have seen it and so have the kids and my mom"...
"I feel like I just opened my eyes and saw you again, now we can get to know each other again and be friends and do this again starting off on the right foot..
"And yes I noticed that you put your ring back on, and that means alot to me too"...
We talked for probably 1/2 hour in the parking lot of the smoothie place.
For the first time in months I feel that there is a real chance for our marriage..
I know, as does she, that there is still much work to do but I think we are headed in the same direction.
You are living the carbon copy of my sitch...almost to the last detail. It was 3 weeks ago when we had the moment in the car that you just had. We had our reconnection all lined up, she was moving back Mar 15, we were selling our place and buying one in the city, we started having incredible sex, kissing, affection, back rubs, doing fun things together. She said the exact same things about my changes.
This past Monday, she phoned me out of the blue, and said she had been trying to find a way out of our M for the last 12 years, she was not in love with me, would probably be moving on. Nothing I could say could change her mind.
So the next day I told her "you're free". You can move on, guilt-free, and so can I. Thank you for making it clear to me, it really helps.
Next day she called me. - "Are you really moving on?" - "Well, I will if you are, it makes no sense for me to wait for you by the door, now does it?" - She went on to say that she was just really scared because we were moving so fast. I reminded her of the things she said. - She apologized. - We agreed to slow down, be neutral, and see where things end up.
She has called me at least 3 times since, we have kept talk pleasant, at the end of each call some R talk, but I am sticking to my guns. No matter how well it seems to be going, I will be the one to make sure we move slllooooowwwwwly.
So....be wary and be careful. DO NOT PUSH. Be calm, cool, lovingly detach, and be ready for her to bomb you again.
My advice? Suggest starting again as deep, soulful friends. Start dating. Take your time. See where it goes. You have the rest of your lives, so taking some extra time now is worth it.
Don't make my mistake...it hurts just as much, if not more, the second time you get shot down.
Not meaning to rain on your parade, just saying keep your eyes wide open.
Hope this helps!
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
