In 1.5 hrs gonna c H for first time in over a year

[Ophelia]

I haven't been on the boards much recently. When you haven't even seen or spoken to your H for over a year, it's hard to keep up hope. I still want my M back, but I don't know how to make it happen with such limited contact, but that's not what this post is about.

Long story short, the last time we saw or spoke to each other was Christmas Eve '06. Since then, communication has been limited to emails and a handful of txts.

A few months back, we tried to set something up where he was gonna come over and show me the photos from his trip to Africa in Oct. The day he was meant to come over, his dad had a heart attack and ended up in hospital.

I hadn't emailed him since before Christmas, but did so a couple of weeks ago, and it turns out he had been about to email me, because he needs our M certificate, as his new job involves working with the Air Force, so they're all having security checks and they need to know everything about them.

Just before, I got a txt saying that he'd be coming over 2:30ish, which is in about 1.5 hours!

Now, I'd still been telling him in the email that I wanted him to come over and hang out for a while and tell me all about Africa, but if memory serves, he has footaball training at 3, so he's timed his visit so he won't be able to stay long. Chances are he'll just stop by to pick up the certificate and then be on his way.

What's really got my stomach in knots is that in the last email I sent him I casually asked if I could take a photo of his shirtless torso while he's here. One of my groups on Flickr, (photo sharing site) has monthly challenges, and the theme for Feb is "7 Days of Creation". So I explained to H that for my Day 6 photo I wanted a shot of a male torso, because of the whole God created Adam then took his rib to make Eve thing. He never replied to that email, just the txt I got before, so I don't know what he thought of my request. I really want that photo though, (and there's no other male I could ask to pose for me, which I also mentioned in the email...said I'd get my brother to do it, but he's not in the country right now), so at some point I'm gonna haft ask, "So, how about that photo?" and I'm rather freaked about his reaction. If he refuses I'm gonna have to resist the urge to pout and say, "Consider it a birthday present, pleeeease?" (it's my b'day on the 22nd).

Anyway, no one in real life knows that he's gonna be here, but I needed somewhere to vent, so here I am. I'll be back to post again in a few hours and will either be giddy or will be a wreck.

[BryanR]

O,

Try to be calm and don't over react to anything. Be very even tempered and complimentary.

It would help to be interested in what he has been doing with out seeming desperate. You have made it this far, I am sure you can make it through this meeting. I am sorry that you have had to suffer through this. I have found great comfort in http://www.rejoiceministries.org.

I am inspired by your willingness to stand for your M. You can keep doing this, I know you can! Hang in there. Try to relax and enjoy your meeting.

I will say a prayer for you.

-Bryan

[Ophelia]

Thanks for the pep talk and the prayers, Bryan. It's helped to calm the nerves a bit.

I can't believe it was someone named Bryan of all things who replied to this post. H and I's big thing is the singer Bryan Adams. We met on an email list for his fans, he played "Eveything I Do" for me on piano the first day we met in person, and he proposed to me during the same song when we were front row at a BA concert. Last time we tried to set it up for him to come over, the second I got to the end of the email where he said he'd come over, a BA song came on the radio. And now here I am all freaked out about seeing him, and some guy named Bryan of all things replies to my post!

[BryanR]

O,

Sorry about freaking you out mate...LOL. But I am no Bryan Adams.

Just a guy in Colorado who's W moved out because she has no feelings for him and needs time and space. In the meantime I have learned a lot about myself, gotten in decent shape, and learned to pray. All while trying to work and keep up with my kids.

So you see, no Bryan Adams here.

I sure hope that things work out for you. I have to tell you that I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone. But I can also tell you that I won't be giving up as long as there is breath in me. I will give her space and time and from a distance...love.

I know you have been doing the same thing. I am impressed by your conviction and level of commitment. God will continue to work on your H as he is working on my W.

It is just so frustrating because it seems like it is so simple. Just come home and we can work on this together. Unfortunately it is much more complicated than that. I wish I knew what it was that my W was/is thinking, but I don't have a clue. Hell, she may be using me or having an A, at this point it doesn't really matter, because gone is gone and I will be standing here when she is done doing whatever in the hell she is doing.

I will be the one guy who hasn't abandoned her. My boys know I am "the man" and that I will always be there for them. Now if I could just convince their mum.

I pray for you and I pray for me. We are both on the road to finding a much better person in ourselves, now if we can just hang on until our S's figure that out too we'll be in a much better place.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Or at least in our respective hemispheres. G'nite.

-Bryan

[Ophelia]

Bryan, you do sound alot like me. Conviction has pretty much become my middle name. I read a post on these forums once, don't remember who it was from, but the quote was, "If you're going to stand for something big, be prepared to stand long," and that's the motto I've been living by. Even when we haven't been in contact, I've still been standing for our M whether he knows it or wants to acknowlege it or not.

I hope both of our S will eventually have (another) change of heart and come back.

Anyway, the visit went surprisingly well! I was freaking out before he got here, literally pacing up and down the hallway, and I almost stopped breathing when I heard his car pull up outside.

But once I opened the door, it was all calm and casual and kinda like we'd never lost contact at all. We made some small talk....he noticed there was still peeling paint on the ceiling, and I said how the landlord only got the bathroom repainted, even though it's peeling in other rooms as well....stuff like that.

I got our M certificate, and put it on the chair near the door so he wouldn't forget it when he left.

I got the cat and brought her out to see if she remembered him, (and it seemed like she did, because usually she's terrified of strangers, but she didn't freak out and struggle out of my arms and run away).

Then there was a bit of a lull in the conversation so I just asked, "So, am I gonna get my photo or not?" He was all, "I dunno..." and looked kinda unfomfortable, so I just said, (I was trying to sound light hearted about it), "Awww, c'mon. Where else am I gonna find a male model to pose for my photo? Your face won't be in it. Consider it a birthday favour," and then he agreed!

So we went out into the back yard and I was saying, "Alright, get yer gear off," which made him laugh, and then I told him where to stand and stuff, and I got my photos and it was a little bit weird, but not nearly as weird as I'd thought it'd be.

Then we talked a bit about his training he's been doing, and then he said he'd hang around and talk me through his Kilimanjaro photos!

So for about the next 45 minutes, we were sitting right next to each other at the computer as he showed me all his photos, and we were getting along like two old friends who didn't have any animosity between us at all. He had to get to footbal training by 3:30, so he didn't have time to go through the Safari photos as well, but he just said, "We'll have to do those some other time".

Then as he was leaving, I gave him a hug, (he knew it was coming, because I'd said previously that I wanted to give him a congratulatory hug for making it to the summit of Kilimanjaro), and then we said goodbye, and he left.

I was expecting it to be so uncomfortable, and it really wasn't. I'm not putting too much stock in it, like I know we're not all of a sudden gonna get back together or anything like that, but seeing him has pretty much made my whole week complete. I surprised myself by not having to force back tears even once while he was here, or right after he left.

*huge sigh of relief*

[BryanR]

O,

I am so glad that it went well for you. It certainly is a step in the right direction. You know anything worth having doesn't come easily so he must REALLY be worth having! LOL I know that is how I feel about my W anyway.

I am sorry for such a short reply, but it is 5:45am here and I am off with my S-10 to watch S-12 play a hockey game at 8:45 in Denver (100 miles away). So take care and give yourself a big pat on the back. Don't stop praying and keep up the awesome work!

-Bryan

[Ophelia]

Well he just came back to drop off the M certificate, and I've started another thread in another section of the forums because he filed.