You are one smart young woman! The more I read of what you write, the more certain I am that your H, as he is right now, is in too immature a state to be comfortable with you. Which isn't to say he can't get there, or even that he wasn't there at one time. Just that he isn't there now.
I really like your letter idea. I'm not going to have a lot of time this weekend to help, but I will drop in, and give my thoughts when I can!
My cat jumped up on me last night, purring loudly, between me and the computer. Hmmmmmm......
As for the maturity thing, I need to make sure I remember how to let go and have fun too. I ended up in the responsible role in the R, and it got more ingrained over time. I did the taxes, I managed the bills and the money, I sent the cards and worried about presents. So, not only did H not have to worry about that (and thus had more free time, and time to be lonely) but he also felt like he wasn't able to take care of himself. I see a large part of his rebellion stemming from that. So, it's time to upset the teeter totter a bit IMHO. I think I'm making him do the taxes next year as well.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I think I'm making him do the taxes next year as well.
You don't want your refund?
W thinks she's the responsible one, even though I do the bills and the taxes. She does the card, and presents. She worries more, so she gets to be responsible for more, seems to be how it works. It ends up not being fair to anyone.
Michelle - I think the letter is a good idea, and it's good to take some overall responsibility for the past, but I wouldn't overdo it either. Instead I think it's better if you focus on the future.
i.e... I apologize for __________, you told me you felt ______ in the past because of ________.
Someday I'd like the chance to build a new M with you. Now that _________ has happened, I see us having a great M filled with _____________.
OK a lot of blanks to fill in.. but do you see what I mean?
If you dwell TOO much on the past it'll reinforce why he left, but it's important to acknowledge it to validate his feelings. What do you think?
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
That's great! That's the balance I'm striving for. I certainly don't intend to martyr myself and tell him it was all my fault and I don't deserve him lol.
Well, last night was fun. Met up with my roommate after work and we went shopping! I got a great t-shirt for our St. Patty's Day party that we are tentatively planning for the Saturday prior. It's green of course. http://tinyurl.com/2jlklk And I am 1/16 Irish lol. I also bought a RED leather jacket!!! She totally talked me into it lol. I wasn't sure about it, but she was, and the store is going out of business so it was a great buy too! So...I have a red leather jacket!
Got home, made the two of us chicken and cous cous, and watched Perfect Strangers. Didn't do anything for school, didn't even set up my laptop and get on the internet. But it was good times.
On the other hand, woke up this morning in a great moood because I had lots of great dreams, then realized that reality sucked and I wasn't in bed with my H and all my dreams were just dreams and was horribly disappointed. *headdesk*
But, it's Friday, and by some weird fluke I do NOT have to work my retail job this weekend, so TGIF!!! I'm gonna go to some advanced bar prep things with my friends tomorrow and then probably go to lunch. Since my ankle is feeling better I think I'm gonna tape it and try and get out running this weekend as well. And I have a belly dancing for fitness DVD from the library that I've gotta try out as well. Plus I'm going line dancing tomorrow night. So long as all my friends don't flake, should be a good weekend lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Lol. I assume you mean about my dreams.....um, no. I don't think HD quite covers him, he may be in a category beyond that...
As for my social activities, that part probably did wear him out. GAL has never been my problem, although school doesn't count much in the fun category.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle you sound great! Sounds like you have a fun weekend planned.
I agree that you shouldn't go overboard on the letter. In my case I think the letter was more for me. It was letting go of the resentment and the anger that I had for him. It was owning up to what I felt I contributed. Like Nik said, validate his feelings, but don't reinforce why he left.
Okay, so draft of letter is below. I've incorporated the format NikB suggested. But I'm not sure about the last part. I'm not sure how good DBing it would be to mention the future when he is convinced I am not a part of his, is deep into his A with OW, and has shown no signs of wanting to R. Thoughts???
H,
The things that have happened in the last eight months have opened my eyes to a lot of things and forced me to reassess my priorities. I apologize for not considering how my going back to school would affect you. You told me you felt unimportant in the past because of how much homework I had to do and the after-class activities I felt compelled to attend. I apologize for taking your support for granted. You told me in many ways that you felt unappreciated but it never got my attention until I realized I was losing you. I apologize for not listening to you when you tried to voice your concerns or doubts. I’m sorry that because I was so sure I was right, I tried to convince you I was right. I apologize for not complimenting you more. I have always though you are a wonderful, strong, sexy, smart, athletic, honest, honorable man. You are also a wonderful cook and amazed me with the DIY projects you would take on. I’m not sure I ever told you how amazed I was that you fixed the exhaust on your own car among other things. I am also grateful that you cleaned the bathroom regularly as that is a chore I despised. I guess it’s true that you don’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone. Someday, I’d like the chance to build a new marriage with you. Now that I have realized how important you are to me, I see us having a great marriage filled with laughter and love.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
but do you see what I mean?