on hold

[W2G]

Stella!

Definitely a positive step.. congratulations!! Now you have to do the impossible.. (at least I always have difficulty with it!!) you have to use the positive step to help you keep up the good work you've been doing without having any expectations!! If you figure out how to do that would you please do me a favor and bottle some of it up and send it to me.. I would be SOOOO appreciative!

W2G

[Andy O P]

Hi Stella_K stay positive you seem very grounded to me and I have really appreciated your support re: my situation, a real tower of strength.

I have just found out that my W is snooping on my laptop (not sure of the meaning of this in MLC) and has been reading my posts on DB. All the advice is not to let an MLCer know about this site so I may have to start posting under a different name.

Good luck and keep visualizing what it is you want, I find a positive image of the future (no matter which way it goes) helps (me anyway) detach from today.
The more detached the less anxious etc etc. This is the MLCer's problem to sort out and it seems to be that all we can do is be patient and help facilitate at each stage of the MLC.

Good luck,

Andy

[stella_k]

Dear Andy, I hope I'm not late with my post and you're still here on board (and still Andy :)). Thank you for your kind words and good wishes.

Sorry, that your W found the DB. I don't really know what one may expect from MLCer in such situation.
I hope she will see your DBing for what it is - unconditional love and understanding. If not now, then later, when she is out of the fog. I hope your story will be the one with happy ending!

Having said that, I must admit that I'd be VERY uncomforatable with my H finding out about DB. I would do the same thing - change my username and start a new thread.

I wish you all the luck! May be you can stop by my thread again later...

[W2G]

Hi Stella,

I found you.. It's been a few days since you've updated.. I hope things are going well for you!

W2G

[stella_k]

Hi, W2G, and thanks for looking! I wasn't hiding , just busy... Midterm.

Didn't have anything to report, too.

H didn't call yet, not that I expected him to. He reached out last time, now it's time for withdrawal. I find it fascinating, how closely he follows the prescribed behaviour, as if he had an MLCer's handbook to guide him!

Something interesting has happened though. For several days now I keep receiving e-mails from old friends, funny ecards, photos. Nothing special, really. What alerted me is that all these little tokens of friendship started coming all at once. I didn't tell any of our friends about the sitch, but now I think may be H did. Or, more likely, somebody saw him with OW. Such news usually spread faster then a forrest fire.

I dread their comments! I much prefer to get all the support here, on board, from people with whom I share the same boat.

Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it. If my sitch has become known, I better prepare myself for pity and/or tough love shower.

[addie]

Stella, my sitch is just coming to light among some family members. My sister and her BF were visiting so I had to share details (I know they won't divulge anything). I found out yesterday that H told one of his brothers (although I'm sure he omitted the fact that our S is due to his EA/PA). I now feel that I have to tell H's SIL's that I am close to but have been avoiding. I know that the news will start to get around. They will all think that H is a jerk and will tell me to not even bother with him. I know I have to make my own decision.

[Kalni]

Stella,

Dont worry about anyone's comments. Stay away from well meaning friends that will never understand what you are doing (unless they ve been there).

K

[stella_k]

Addie, it looks like once again we find ourselves in a very similar sitch.

My move to hometown is scheduled for June (touch the wood).

And though I don't have any family to confide in (accept my mother, of course, and she is the last person I'd tell anything), I am thinking about telling my MIL.

Right now I'm only guessing who knows what, and it's getting on my nerves.

[4myfamily]

Hi Stella, I am like you I have had no one to confide in except one friend who is an ex-mental health nurse and went through a difficult divorce and a long period of counseling himself. He is a great guy but he is a friend of both me and my MLC wife. In hindsight although I was desperate just to confide in someone about W's replay affair - it was a mistake. Its very true MLCers do not like to be talked about.

I have not mentioned my wifes MLC or A/OM to any of my relatives and intend to keep it that way.

With regards who knows what, I have had the odd comment directed at me about W's behavior(s) and really I don't care. What I have found from personal experience is that people are so bound up in their own lives that they really only have a passing interest in other peoples, so who cares?

I know several colleagues who have had affairs. I have a fairly benign conscience myself and I am not judgmental. Generally they do it to boost their egos and, as is the case with my W I am guessing that they have self-esteem issues left over from childhood. I just feel it is a shame they have made a mess of their lives.

I have found this is the best, safest place to confide, people here understand what you are going through.

My advice is don't worry or care about what other people know or think, I am sure they only think well of you. As for H...... that is his problem.

[stella_k]

Hi 4myfamily, thank you for stopping by Are you going to start a thread? I would like to know how are things going for you.

I'm having - again! - quite a meltdown right now.

My H called and didn't sound good at all. Not an alien, though, something new. He said that he has told a couple of friends about their R ( admitted for the first time that he and OW moved in together). He said again that he doesn't know how to get out of all that mess, to which I replied that I'm not the one to advise on this and that he should get out the way he got in.

After that he said something in gibberish - oh, well, ok then, huh, well, bye then.
I said bye. And that was it. I knew it all along, I expected it, I was ready for it - or so I thought - and I'm in pieces!

Now I'm expecting a phone call from thr friend he spoke to - my D17 said he called twice already, I wasn't home. I am tired and so weary, I don't know how to face friends, family, it's been going on forever, or so it feels, I just want it to stop...

Oh, and I put him to test a little bit. I've told him that I'm considering to take a summer course (June and July) before returning to the hometown and asked him if it sounds good to him. Well, of course it did. Great idea, he said. Two more months full time with OW and me tucked safely away!

The way he said OW's name sent me flying backwards back into the pit. I guess all this time deep inside I was sure it's going to be the happy ending after all. Fool.

I was only able to hold and not break any DBing rules because I knew that I will come here and vent my heart out. Thank you all for being here for me.