Hello,,,I don't know if there are any members still on this list who remembers me. Just a brief rundown. Husband left for a year...lived with a young stripper. Well, all along he talked about a divorce but nothing. Then anytime he had a vacation or I did or even weekends we all spent it together. She thought he was just spending it with our son. He always told me to hang in there and please don't give up on him. Well one weekend we all went camping and she called my work and they told her I was on vacation and she put it all together and when he got back she was GONE. He then wanted to come home and work things out with us. This has been 7 mts ago. The problem I have is that he still says he wants a divorce and we can still live together. This is weird to me. He now wants us to sell our home and build me another one and pay off bills. I'm very leary of doing this as I don't want him to pull a runaway again. He says our neighbor got a divorce and he is back at home now and why can't we do that. I think its stupid. We have been married 11 years. He said he still wants all his stuff at home and we will always do things together etc. He still loves me but he doesn't like the marriage stuff. This to me is so stupid. I'm not spending money for a divorce. I think he justs wants money from our house and he will be on his way. He says NO. We will always be together. Does anyone have any imput on this? I'm really scared to sell my home and I will never have another one like it. He makes comments that....WE ARE SELLING IT AND I HAVE NO CHOICE. To me if he loves me this shouldn't matter. We ARE strapped for money but I really don't want him doing this and going up to where she is or her coming down here. He says he hasn't talked to her in months and all this wasn't about HER but about him being on his own...well he wasn't on his own he was with HER and me also. ANY INPUT WOULD BE HELPFUL...I CAN'T MAKE OUT WHAT HE IS UP TO. Thanks again,,,Rowena
ARE you listening to the quiet voice inside you that is telling you this is YUKKY?
Why do you suppose it feels yukky? maybe because deep down you smell a rat?
Rowena don't sell your home. You do have a choice, and your husband can not force you to sell your home. He is being manipulative and trying to guilt you into selling it but you do have a choice STAND YOUR GROUND!!
Never do anything if your not sure.
As for him wanting a divorce, may be he means from commitment. He wants you in a dating fashion, whereby he can have all the fun but none of the commitment. OR responsibility.
Rowena you must tell him what you will accept and stick to your guns. Do you want to just date him? Or do you want the commitment that he wants to stay in the marriage?
This man wants freedom it sounds. He is like a caged animal, not secure! SO if you get a divorce and sell the house will you feel any better. I don't think so! Then you'll definitely be on pins thinking is he going to be off.
Further Rowena do you want to settle for the crumbs this man is offering? I would tell him straight that you want commitment, you don't want flimpsy dating where you don't know from one minute to the next want he wants. You want his commitment to work on you two as a couple.
It seems he wants all the good and none of the responsbility. Hence him taking part in the family holidays and outings cuz they are good.
He seems to have the best of all worlds, but at what price, you in a confussed, unsure, unhappy state. WHAT A PRICE TO PAY.
You need to respect yourself enough not to settle for the crumbs he is offering. Otherwise he is treating you no better than a man does who has a mistress. Cuz he is doing the same thing, just spending the fun bits with you, without any commitment. DO YOU want to be like his mistress?
You need to thinking careful about what you really want long term? Do you really want a guy who doesn't want it all?
Tell him you are not going to get a divorce, nor are you selling the house. You see no reason or benefit in doing so.
He is making empty promises about building a new home also. I would be cautious.
Your body is telling you this isn't OKAY listen to it. This is why you feel confussed.
Well your body isn't confussed it knows full well that it can't trust a man who doesn't want to be married to it, or have any commitment.
SO LISTEN TO YOURSELF, You know yourself this is wrong, what your husband is asking, YOUR own VALUES are telling you this!!
Thought I'd offer you a little different take on this. I have come to believe that deep down everybody wants "it all" meaning a real committed marriage. They may convince themselves superficially that freedom meets their needs better but there's no self or other respect in that so ultimately it is unsatisfying. Now, it's true that somepeople go through their whole lives without figuring this out. So the challenge becomes finding the way to not only not enable this but to LOVINGLY disable it!
It doesn't help to belittle our spouses. Most of them are good people too who are very confused, disappointed in everybody (especially themselves), and are too frightened to take a good look at themselves or their situations. Most of us have been (or will be) just as messed up as they are at one time or another. Herein is true compassion. I know what it is like for it to seem impossible. For some reason it seems like a requirement for things to look utterly impossible before the solution presents itself. Guess this is learning in the best sense of the word.
So, though my suggestion isn't specific, it is to process your understandable anger into a loving, self, spouse, and family respecting response. I have been fortunate that in the times I am really able to do this AND to wait patiently, my H melts...maybe not right away, but it really does seem to be irresistable. If I ever get to the point where I get this down a lot of the time, I'll be one happy camper .
Wishing you well in figuring out the best way to handle your dilemma.
Love, ALTL
[This message has been edited by alottolearn (edited 02-22-2001).]
WOW...this is some great advice. Yes, you are right about my body telling me NO>>>don't sell the house. I think he does love me but the MONEY thing in the house is all he has left to spend. I know he has sold everything else in the past for him and his fling to use. I KNOW I won't sell...I think what I'm going to do is just sit back and help him see the big picture...in time maybe he will. He has said now that he will try another 6 mts..you never know what love bug may hit him. Of course during this time he said the house should sell by then. Well, I'm going to try to steer him away from that and try to use our land for a money making venture. We have 4 ac. that use to have cows and I'm going to plant gourds (I'm a gourd artist) and use them to sell. They should produce ALOT. Then our land is a form of income not just to sell. I am trying during this time to show him how important family is. He has been making comments well..when we get a divorce I guess you are going to do things for your husband like you do me. Well of course!! He thought I wouldn't find anyone else...Ha ha! I told him up front that No one should be alone all their life and I'm sure someone will come along and treat me the way I should be treated and we will share a life...memories together. I think that is eating at him slowly. I did wait while he had his fling and I guess he thinks I always will. I told him that he will NEVER hurt me again like that....divorce is divorce and it will be over. He told me that it doesn't have to be that way. Oh yeah!! I can't sit back and watch him with other women and just be FRIENDS. Dream on.
Thank you all for your advice. You really help me remember to listen to my mind, heart. We will see what happens...Hopefully something good. Thanks again...Rowena
If you work on being the best person you possibly can be for yourself, I am sure things will happen just as they are meant to.
The secret is are you currently the sort of person you would marry? What things would you like to change about yourself? Work strictly on yourself. Would you like to study? What goals do you have? Do you treat yourself well physically? Do you take time to look at the beauty of nature? Learn to enjoy your life and to bring into it all the good things you can enjoy?
So if you want a better social life how are you going to get one?
If you want treating with respect, are you willing to make sure you get it, how? Are you going to tell your partner what you will accept and not accept and stick to your guns?
We create the lives we want!!
So take care and know you can do it if you try, you can do anything that you think you can do!!
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