Ya, but Pooh never got stressed out. He took everything that happened in stride and moved forward. Pooh is a rather simplistic example and he is just fiction. That does not mean we can't learn from him.
Me2, Responding to your reply on N's thread. Resentment is something that can go! just as quick as it comes. H's resentment is his problem just as my resentment is mine. He may be struggling with it as it is an ill feeling that is hard to justify with reality.
I was struggling a bit myself last night. When this happens, I excuse myself and go out for a while. I still get twinges and I don't want to talk about it cus there is no justification for it. In other words, there is no sense talking about it if it is a personal issue. The way I see it is there ain't much sense in bringing problems to the table that we don't have solutions for. Especially, personal problems.
This may help you see how a guy might think. We don't want to burden our loved ones with something we don't understand ourselves. If you try to pull it out of us, it appears controlling. Men need to solve there own problems for themselves. During this time, leave us be, maybe a head rub with no words, perhaps a back scratch, perhaps a hug. Whatever you do, don't push or pull.
Sorry about my broken posts. Been having a wee bit of trouble weening off the med I've been on for the past 7 months.
Kent
[This message has been edited by KentS (edited 04-28-2001).]
I agree with Alex. I think he was referring to his wife.
Also, if you havent already I highly recommend that you read my post on the MLC forum..MLC?? A Look At The Other Side. This fellow is just exiting mlc and hasn't moved home yet. He is very open to any questions. Take a look, you have nothing to lose.
I just re-read CB's post (again-how many times now!) and I agree that he is talking about his wife and how he chooses to be there with her. I misunderstood initially.
I too get very confused about the whole 'why me' thing-if he found someone else he would rather have been with than his wife, and his marriage/I was not important enough to remain faithful to, then why 'compromise' and come home? I was cleaning the computer desk out at home this weekend and came across an old calendar from that year H was overseas...I looked at the dates (yes, I was obsessing) and I realized that he met and carried on with OW before his very first trip back "home". He had only been gone 60 days.
Why does this bother me so? Like I told him-I didn't think we were all that 'broken'. I agree with Alex in that I still have things to learn about myself. I do not trust initially...I am open and friendly at first appearances-but hard to get to know because of my inherent mistrust. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would probably never fall in love again nor get married (men were only good for one thing-LOL-sorry)...then I met H. Everything changed when I let him in.
Then this. Am I more angry with him or me?
H was acting like a 'butt' (his words) on Sunday-the first day we were all home and he didn't have to work-in months. He was quiet and distant and moody-yelled at the boys...he was gonna take them to the store with him so I could study (final on Wed) well, I told him to just go-he was in a fould mood and I didn't want the boys subjected to that. THEN youngest son let the dog out-he's the kind of dog that doesn't stay right there-he runs...just more stress.
H appologiged when he got home and held me as I cried. I was not accusatory and did not intend to make him feel guilty-and told him-I had more questions that I was not entirely prepared to ask. His answer was that he still didn't 'know what to say to me that he had not already said'. So I asked him to say it all again. The rest of the day was great.
I have been reading to try and help me figure things out but our situation, and what I know of his A, does not really fit-not that I expected it to-but I did expect more similarities than I have found. I believe this is because I still know so little-it is like he is controlling this information-and as such-controlling me. I truely believe that when I have no more questions about what happened and why, I will be 'recovered'. I know that it will never go away and I will never forget, but it will not feel like it still does now.
I could tell he was getting annoyed when I said I felt he still was not opening up to me and talking to me...about his A and how he felt and what led him to it. And he is not. I am not pushing-or pulling, like Kent said, and when I noticed his mood on Sunday I told him to just go-I wasn't mean or angry, I told him I felt he needed some time away. I asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to talk-he said 'nothing' and 'no', so I let it go but told him I was here if he wanted to talk.
Gonna make another C appt this week or next-AND H and I have a dinner on Fri night for his work-my mom's watching the kids so we get a night away too. Much needed I think.
Busy week-Final on Wed (biochem-yikes-fingers crossed!)
thanks you guys....headed over to the MLC forum to surf around...maybe ask a question or two-
Me2, moving on, forgiving, detaching does NOT mean you brush stuff under the carpet. Your feelings are totally justified. Have you read After the Affair? I'm just reading it now, and am getting a better perspective on the situation. I couldn't have read it a year ago -- I was too fragile. But the author is very good at understanding how both parties feel -- you should not underestimate the power of your own pain. If you ignore it totally and say what a child I'm being for not getting over it, it will crop up again. You need to work through it, and go on from there. If you ignore, it goes underground.
I think I've been busted! My C said the same thing. She also said that often times couples in this situation will essentially reverse roles, however in our case, I have just become less outwardly-expressive and more introverted. H claims to be more open with me now, but I just don't see it. He has never once approached me to talk about OR, or his A or anything about his feelings. If he sees me looking upset he will ask 'what's wrong' and expect me to let it out. Yeah, as KentS would say-that's his way of reaching out to me....he says he doesn't want to remind me of it because he knows it makes me sad. I told him that sometimes just (for example) looking out the window makes me remember...brushing my teeth...picking up the newspapers in the living room-stupid insiginificant things make me remember. Not as much anymore, but my point was that his broaching the subject will not make me sad. It would be nice to be able to be let in on his hurt and help him through it. I know he hurts, he asked for my help through this but has not told me how.
He can't seem to let me in yet and help him deal with is hurt/guilt/shame, so I have stopped laying all of mine on him, and yes, I admit it...I'm stuffing it.
I have begun to deal with it slowly and mostly on my own-and here. And in my defense, what if all my 'talking' in the past, and assuming he would be there for me and let me just 'bitch' knowing he could not fix things-and not even wanting him to, partly led him to do what he did...i.e., he couldn't handle it. I overwhelmed him. He was helpless to do anything being overseas, even tho I told him (over and over) all I wanted him to do was listen. I dumped on him too much and he felt guilty.
So, in my own way, I guess I'm trying to help him. By not 'dumping' on him. Isn't that one of the DB principles?! NO OR talks. At least none I initiate. It's not that I am disregarding my feelings, just putting them on hold for a while and keeping more things, about how I feel, to myself and trying to learn to deal with them on my own.
As far as the book "After the Affair" goes, I picked it up at the bookstore...held it for a long time, opened the cover and flipped a few pages...then realized I was getting angry. I put it back. I don't think I'm ready-I am re-reading DB again (but it's going slow as I have a final exam this week-and other stuff...).
I will get to it. I know it will help me, it has been recommended to me by a few people, our C included.
