Well, let me start by saying I left for a while found myself after the divorce was final and now I'm back. I'm 40 s8 married 8 years before the divorce. I hold out hope we can some how piece our lives back together.
My EW and I have remained friendly in an effort to lesson the strain on our child. Recently I found out that she was dating an ex boyfriend who she had left because he was abusive. I made clear my concern for S8 and she understood but telling me he had changed and no longer like that. I left it at that and discussed it no further. From time to time when we talk she'll bring the new BF up and I'll give her valid advice when asked. Nothing more.
In the last month she has called more frequently to chat and at one point she said that she was sure I was happy to no longer have her living with her because she's nothing but a B. I didn't respond to confirm or deny the fact just let be as a statement that she made. We talked a bit longer and she thanked me for being such a good friend, one that she didn't deserve.
Well on V day I bought a book signed by one of her favorite authors at a silent auction and had it sent to her annonymously. She called later in the day to talk about S8 and then asked if I had sent it. I told her I did, I could tell she was having a bad day (based on a previous conversation) and I thought that as a friend she could use a surprise. She started to cry and said she didn't deserve to be treated in this way. To which I responded a special friend sometimes needs a special gift. She didn't understand why I sent it but I left it at that.
Well today, she called me to discuss S8 (having some problems at school over the last couple of weeks) and thanked me several times again for the book and again didn't understand why I sent it.
Did I go to far with the gift. Any advice on what I should do? I know I haven't provided everything and will be glad to provide more info just ask.
IMHO it seems like she was pleased with your gift so I don't think you went overboard.
Quote:
She didn't understand why I sent it
Those of us here will recognise that you sent it with unconditional love but how you go about relaying that to a WAS I've no idea. Maybe you just need to continue showing unconditional love and eventually she will 'get' it. Then she will either accept that love or she will make it clear that it makes no difference and she still stands by your D.
I think for now all you can do is to be there for her when she wants/needs you. It is good that you have been able to retain a friendship for the sake of S8. I wish my H would at very least agree to that. Every R, not just romantic ones, have to have a basis of friendship so continue to nurture this and who knows what the future may bring.
Good luck
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I agree with ACJ -- it sounds like your XW really appreciated the gift (and not so much the gift as the the THOUGHT that is obviously attached to the gift). It also seems to me that your XW still has some confused feelings going on, and may be reaching out to you in subtle ways in order to possibly tell where you're at emotionally. The examples for this are her saying she doesn't deserve your kindness, or her says that you are happier without her since she is a real B, etc -- she's maybe trying to see what kind of response you're going to give and see whether or not it will tell her how you feel about her
IMO, you should continue to commit RAKs (Randoms Acts of Kindness) with regard to your XW, but do so in moderation. Obviously monitor the results and adjust accordingly. Just focus on doing what works, and it seems to me that doing the occasional RAK is currently following this path.
I would suggest you keep on with the random acts of kindness here and there. Prove that you can be a really be a good friend... WITHOUT pressuring in any way... You also need to continue to GAL... This is vital!
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
