Well, let me start by saying I left for a while found myself after the divorce was final and now I'm back. I'm 40 s8 married 8 years before the divorce. I hold out hope we can some how piece our lives back together.
My EW and I have remained friendly in an effort to lesson the strain on our child. Recently I found out that she was dating an ex boyfriend who she had left because he was abusive. I made clear my concern for S8 and she understood but telling me he had changed and no longer like that. I left it at that and discussed it no further. From time to time when we talk she'll bring the new BF up and I'll give her valid advice when asked. Nothing more.
In the last month she has called more frequently to chat and at one point she said that she was sure I was happy to no longer have her living with her because she's nothing but a B. I didn't respond to confirm or deny the fact just let be as a statement that she made. We talked a bit longer and she thanked me for being such a good friend, one that she didn't deserve.
Well on V day I bought a book signed by one of her favorite authors at a silent auction and had it sent to her annonymously. She called later in the day to talk about S8 and then asked if I had sent it. I told her I did, I could tell she was having a bad day (based on a previous conversation) and I thought that as a friend she could use a surprise. She started to cry and said she didn't deserve to be treated in this way. To which I responded a special friend sometimes needs a special gift. She didn't understand why I sent it but I left it at that.
Well today, she called me to discuss S8 (having some problems at school over the last couple of weeks) and thanked me several times again for the book and again didn't understand why I sent it.
Did I go to far with the gift. Any advice on what I should do? I know I haven't provided everything and will be glad to provide more info just ask.
OH no! It was beautiful. And it's working...so it's perfect.
I believe you gently loving her without pressure will win her back. Tread slowly, if she pulls back...pull back a LITTLE more than she does... kind of a dance.
Good job !
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Saying, "I don't deserve such a good friend, etc" isn't saying, "leave me alone", it's saying I don't know what, but it isn't a negative. Comments like, "I bet your glad to have a B like me out of your life", or whatever, may actually be fishing. You could have thrown her a bone (if you still actually want her), and said, "No, I'm not happy about that".
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
good point just. I almost did but didn't want it come accross in the wrong manner so I left it alone.
She actually has pulled away a bit so thanks for the advise I'll back off and wait for her next move which may or may not allow me to get on the dance floor.
Well y'all take care, I appreciate your understand and wisdom.
Interesting how they want the divorce so badly and then when they get it, they act so....
My Ex is doing similar things. She has her divorce and her new house yet she sounds so sad and stressed when I talk to her. She should be happy but she is not.
Hang in there. Play it slow and see what happens (if you want to). Keep us posted.
Yeah, I had a really interesting call with EX Friday. She had a bad morning so she called me and started going on about how S8 hates her, hates her job, can't pay bills she was stupid for thinking she could make it on her own, and that she's going to be alone all of her life. 2 thoughts raced through my mind, the first being...well you weren't happy with me so now I don't understand why you're happy as can be. The other was to tell her that I still love her and I'm will to do what it takes to work things out.
I did neither, instead I listened to her until she calmed down a bit. Later that day I called and checked to make sure she was doing ok and then asked if she wanted to me to get S8 for the evening to give her some down time. She declined asking me why I was being so nice. I explained that we had agreed to reamin frineds and that's all I was doing. I ended the call and have not called her since.
Just came across your sitch - I'm heading to this forum soon. Anyway, it sounds to me like you're behaving perfectly. I know I'm probably going to end up doing the same for my W - we've always been best friends and that's hard to shut off.
A bit of an update. She's trying to work through things with the ex boyfriend. She began discussing his lack of interest in her and I listened. She made comments about why this is happening to her. I replied by telling her I didn't know. I have to admit that I probably had a bit of a grin on my face. I hate to say it but a part of me was happy she was suffering so.
Anyway she then said that she had probably done this to herself and I just could say anything nice so I just kind of shrugged. She seemed to get mad and walked away. Again I shouldn't feel this way but honestly I have to say it made my day.
Sounds to me like you're handling things perfectly. I'd keep doing what you're doing. Isn't this all good DBing techniques anyway? You're positive, you're detached, you have your own life - let her spin.
I have to admit that I'm hoping to see my W crash and burn as well. But it's so hard, I mean whenever we get together we relate incredibly well with each other - why won't she see that? But she won't so why ask those questions?
