Hello...I have not posted in a while ...jumped here from Newcomers-anyway, the struggle I find myself in right now is about what you described. How do you rebuild yet maintain your individuality?
I am probably one of the lucky ones, when my H has his affair and more than likely MLC he was working overseas, it was all 'over and done' for him when he returned home last summer. I had suspicions but no hard proof of PA until 4 months ago. He never left, said it was NEVER about leaving me and abandoning our marriage-which I thought (foolishly) was pretty solid. Still says he 'doesn't know why' he had A. Many topics are discussed as to why, he just says 'that's a part of it' I know I'm just too hung up on that issue....
Long story short, here we are, I have read DB (twice so far) and try to use it's principles....still read the boards every day...but even with that and with therapy it just seems that sometimes I am just going through the motions, it's hard to explain but it just doesn't feel the same.
So how do you get back what you were before and not lose yourself in the process? Patience is one thing that comes to mind. Trying to be the woman I was when H and I fell in love.....And, yes, this IS where I want to be, I've thought long and hard about that one...I certainly don't want to start over either.
Hoping for everlasting patience....and taking it one day at a time.
i'm glad that you decided to send your wife the flowers. it is terrible that you did have to second guess whether she would want them or not, i'm glad that it did work out i on the other hand had a bad day.
i can't figure out where to go with my h. sometimes he acts like it is ok. then other times i feel as if i am back at square one with no progress. i feel as if i don't want to be here anymore. how do you keep up the pma when what you really want to do is scream????????????
Hi, nice to hear from you. I know we've chatted before but it has been awhile. I'm happy to hear that things are going well for you and H.
I understand what you mean about not being "enmeshed". My W and I used to be very much so, but maybe that was the problem, too enmeshed. We seem to be doing ok with things...we both have our own lives and lives together, but I would really have a little more time together than we do. For instance, I would like to go away with her to Bermuda or somewhere and have told her so. But she doesn't right now. However, now she is planning a trip to the Bahamas with her sister for May!! I don't mind that she is going since I also go on a golf trip to Myrtle Beach every fall with some buddies, but I wish that WE could go on a trip and spend some time together first. It's things like this that make me feel like I am not a priority in her life...her needs and her desires are the only thing that is important to her. What about me?
I think that since you and your H have such demanding schedules, that you really need to sit down together and create a plan to spend time together. I know it isn't the most spontaneous thing, but that is the way it is and you both need to find the solution to the issue. (remember, solution-based!!!). Talk to him about it. Would he be willing to discuss it?
Me2,
Wow, it sounds like you've been through the ringer. My W and I both did some dating when I was separated last year and while I never did anything much physically, I can't say the same about her... I really don't want to know the details. But the fact that we both did have other relationships created a challenge when getting back together. You look at each other and your marriage in a different light. You will never forget all the hurt but if you can forgive and move on from here, you'll be ok. It sounds like he is sincere, but like you said, you need to be patient. Take it slow and don't lose yourself by doing things for yourself. When your H sees that your world doesn't revolve around him, he'll begin to appreciate you and your marriage that much more. Keep the fun and friendship alive in you marriage too.
Lost Hope,
Yeah, the flowers were a good idea, but last night, there were definitely no fireworks in our bedroom....we were both asleep by 10. I would have liked to have been intimate (not necessarily sex) but she gave me know indication that it would be welcomed and I've learned from past experience not to push the issue.
I also have the same feelings as you ....sometimes things seem good, sometimes very good, other times it seems like we're back where we were before, dangling on the edge of disaster. Its during those times that I'd like to go and find someone who wants to be with me and vice versa. Yeah, I'd like to scream too at times. Are we asking for too much??
I know what you mean about sometimes wanting to scream....I did the other day in the car-I was alone, had run to the store for something and I just started yelling. It felt good!
And, yes, sometimes I feel that we'll be OK and that things are working out, then other times I feel as if we're standing on the edge and can't keep from falling in.
What I want is my marriage and my life back the way it was....before his A, before he went overseas. I know this is not possible and realize now that I was very niave then to think my marriage was strong enough to endure that year apart. I also feel that he accepted the job in the first place to get away from me (he denies this).
We have always had the kind of relationship where we'd rather spend time with each other, doing things, than with friends...we've moved 6 times in the 8 years we've been married (function of our jobs) so it's difficult to make many close friends. Our families are close (within 3 hours) so that helps.
How are you able to be individuals yet remain within the boundaries of the marriage?
Although we're together, sometimes I feel so alone. He's an introvert and quiet about emotions-he's always been that way-but through all of this and the counseling, he believes himself to be opening up. I am not convinced.
I know what you mean Dave about it seeming that your spouse doesn't want to go away with just you....how are you dealing with it? Our anniversary is next month. My mother offered to keep the kids for a weekend and send us away - alone (and pay for it!)together...we only had to pick the weekend. Well....sounds great, but because of his job, the only weekend he has off is the only weekend mom has to work. So...it's a NO GO. Yeah, I'm mad as hell, but have been keeping my feelings to myself. I don't want to seem too needy-trying to act 'as if'. Historically I have been the planner, the scheduler, but NOT this time. So, knowing him, we won't go.
I have followed your story over the last couple of years as it is much like mine. I have not posted on this site in probably 6 months. Most of my history is in the infidleity section. I have heard the samethings that everyone has heard over the last two years i.e. not in love with you, we should move on, etc.
My wife has been involved in an EA with another man for 2 years. I am sure that it has become a PA over this time. He has recently divorced and is moving (he lived across the street and was a stay at home dad).
Last summer till late last fall was the bottom for us. We have begun to talk more and things are improving very very slowly. I have written her two very long letters letting her know how I have felt over the last two years. She talks of her mistakes and the need for time. I guess after two years of no sex, dating and everything else that couples do you reach a point of just getting tired.
The stories are all so much the same here you could almost throw them in a hat and pick one out. David2 I wish I could add something more to what you are going through. But I have really tried everything. I have distanced myself. I have been a great guy or Plan A'ed as Marriage Builders says. I listen better. I help her more. Everything she wants. Expect I am not sure she wants me.
David, like you I have asked her to go away and she is not willing to at this point. My biggest mistake is I probably have been too nice through this whole thing because I felt bad that I might not have been the best husband.
