Dave, Wow its been a while and I was wondering how things turned out for you. I really am happy to hear you are back home. That is wonderful, however I can understand why you would have trust issues and all and still the fear of being hurt again. I know you said you tried therapy together in the past and it did not work but was it with a SBT therapist? You are both different people now and it seems you must learn how to put your life back together as such. I don't have any real advice as I am not a success (divorced on 1/11/01) but I pray that you can find what you need to put it back together and be happy. Keep us posted.
Dave, Its good to see you!! And doing as well as you can be. I'm D now but I still use the board for venting and advice on how to handle lucy's craziness.. Dave, Do you think maybe you moved in too soon?? Obviously she did not like seeing you moving on, being stronger and seeing other women. It seems you have made all the commitment here so far. Things do have to progress slowly thats for sure but I also hate seing you go through the same anxiety's she put you through before. What kind of talks have you had? Why is she telling you that you need too much reaasurance? Seems to me that she was the one who did not want the marriage now does. Does she talk the talk and not walk the walk? Trust is a huge issue here and severing all your "single" ties puts you back in where you were before. Take it slow and also be cautious. Enjoy the time with your children (its wonderful isn't it?) and try to build that foundation with your W. Rondo
Great to hear from you guys again! I'm sorry for both of you that things didn't work out like you hoped but I'm sure you'll agree that its better to be alone than with someone who is going to continuously hurt you. Life is too short to be in a miserable relationship.
Goodman, I have suggested counseling and I was searching for an sbt therapists but I have been unable to locate one in the RI area. Besides, the last time I brought it up, she wasn't too receptive. I think she thinks we'll just wing it and see what happens but I have my doubts that this is the best way to handle things.
Rondo, yeah, maybe I did move back too soon, but we had done the dating thing and I think the only way to see if things were actually going to work was to jump in head first. For the most part, we are doing ok. There is not the constant tension between us that there was before I moved out last April and we do get along well. But I want more of a committment on her part. The fact that she still doesnt wear her rings makes me anxious. I ask her about it every so often and she says she's just not ready to do that. The only reason why she wouldn't that I can see is that she doesn't want to advertise that she is married and wants to keep her options open. Am I just being paranoid? I don't think so. If we are going to be married, then we should be married and be 100% committed to each other. But if this is just a test, how long will she be testing me and what do I have to do before she'll feel like she can commit to me again? She said that she is taking things one day at a time while I want things to be back the way they used to be right away. I think that I have been very patient over the past 2 yrs considering all that we've been through but IMHO, we are either married or we aren't. I will give her a little more time but at some point, I will demand her to make a commitment to our marriage and our future one way or another. Am I asking for too much??
I know how you feel. My h can home after being gone(physically for 5 months, emotionally longer). It is really difficult, because I would like things to be back how they were when we were fine, and they are not. I guess when he told me he wanted to come back i figured that he was coming back lock, stock and barrell.... meaning that everything would be like or close to how it was before. this is where i made my mistake. it is not like it was before, it's not bad, but it is not how i pictured it would be. i wanted the romance, the hugs, kisses, ect. h was still not ready for that. that is what made it difficult for me. i guess in all my rambling here, what i am trying to say is, it is not unreasonable for us to expect things to be how they were. but the reality is that it wont be. i have found that alot has changed, i have changed. so i need to change my expectations too. we are back to time, it will take time to be back to the good times. i guess we just need to focus on what is happening now and take the little steps and don't expect more. things will happen slowly, i remember reading here on the board, the let go and let GOD..... how true,,,, i just need to keep reminding myself of that. just don't get discouraged.... keep your faith, and i am sorry if i rambled........ lh
Thank you so much for writing. Yeah, I guess I do get impatient too. Compared to where we were two months ago (ready to file for D) we are so much better. But I still get anxious...want my happy marriage back, the security, the safety of it all. I want to be able to look forward to a future together, but now the furthest ahead I can look to is this weekend. Baby steps sure can be difficult!! Thanks again!
Hi David, Lost Hope and DID, I am not in the same boat as you folks. I get an occassional email from h, haven't seen him in months. H wants the d and we are moving towards that, really at my pace, although he is trying to speed it up.
I do want my h back just to try one more time. It is easy for me to say because I am not facing the realities that you folks are. There are times that I envision that h will come back and envision probably in the same manner that you folks do - the bad stuff is gone and we will be much more loving.
If h did come back, we most likely would go through the same stuff as you are. I guess my advice to you would be, find that spot that made you the stronger person to get through this journey. The spot that let you take it one day at a time. The spot where the anger and sadness was gone. Remember too that both of you were hurt by the separation. It is not just a one-sided story. Our s have their fears and maybe they are afraid that if they let themselves be vulnerable again, they will get hurt once more. Yes, the same things that we too feel. In most of our separations, it was not just one person who got us to this point. It was both parties. And even if there was an ow/om, which I am by no means condoning, it was how our s got to through this. Just as we accept things at our pace and in the steps that we took, our s accept things at their pace. My h has an ow, and the betrayal hurts but probably because if we are to grow and learn from our experiences, it is my jealousy that someone else is helping him through this. For those that come back and their was an ow/om, let it go. By dwelling on that fact, it doesn't help the relationship. And yes the trust has been broken and there is hurt. I'm not saying don't be turn your heads to the indicators if they are still with the other person, but if they are not, don't let the ghosts of the past haunt your present and future.
Just because we aren't getting the hugs and kisses does not mean that they do not want to be with us or love us. Maybe they too are a little scared.
And yes, this is easy for me to say because I am not in your spot. I don't have the opportunity to make up for all the silly things that I did in my marriage to my s. I guess I am saying, don't go back to the spot where you were grieving and sad. Move forward and what ever you have to do to take it one day at a time, figure that out. You did before.
I wish you all the best in your marriage and I hope that God will help you through this difficult time. Remember that our attitudes can either help us or hurt us through this journey.
Keep the faith, Kath
[This message has been edited by Pixie6 (edited 02-11-2001).]
David,<P>I'd take off my rings like she has done, and go out when she does. See where that leads. Bet she chases after you and suggests closing down the "single life"<P>
DID, I know exactly how you feel. I too am not good at the one day at a time thing. and wonder too, why is it that we have to be the ones to swallow our pride and get things moving to where we want to be???? i still question that. I know it is hard and i do have a difficult time alot. i try and keep on my work out schedule and keep myself busy. find that person you were becoming and still go forward. i have good friends(pix) that are there and keep reminding me to breath. it really is hard sometimes but continue to focus on you. there is alot that i had pictured with the reunion with my h that did not come true. but if i look at the little steps(and sometimes they are tiny) i have to believe that things will work out. i have gone this far with my faith and trust in GOD, that i know HE will not fail me now. Like Pixie had said, there are two sides to what has happened, and i think we do forget that, we have to be a little understanding of our spouses and give them the time too.
it is also good that your h is going to go to counseling. mine has refused. so take that as a good sign.he also shows you the affection and tells you that he loves you. keep that close to your heart. my h tells me that he loves me but finds it difficult to show affection. i hurt because of this and don't understand it. he tells me he still needs time. so time it will be, even if it is extremely difficult for me.
keep you spirits up and rememeber to breath. do what you have been doing for yourself.
DID,<P>Hello, and thanks for writing. Trust me, I know what you mean about the one day at a time thing. I want to jump in headfirst and have a hard time holding back. Like, today is Valentines Day and I bought my w a nice card. But, I said to myself, "damn it, I don't want to give her just a card, I want to send her a dozen roses!! And I don't care if she thinks it's "too much, too soon". I wanted to express myself and how I feel about her and wanted to be a little romantic. I'm sick of holding back and not being myself. So, I sent them and you know what...she loved them! She called me at work and she said they were beautiful and she said she really appreciated getting them. Whew!! Isn't it terrible that a husband has to think about sending his wife roses on Valentines Day because he thinks she wont't appreciate them? <P>DID, try to give it time and just remember, it wasn't too long ago that thing were not even this good. That's what I keep telling myself. Even though she doesn't wear her rings, even though she rarely tells me she loves me, even though we are only affectionate/intimate when it suits her, things are still so much better than 2 months ago when divorce was certain. Like you said, one day at a time. Look at the postitives and not the negatives. Also, your attitude might be creating anxiety in him. Remember, PMA!! It's contagious. <P>Pixie, Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I'm sorry that things aren't working out for you. You're so right when you say that it is the actions of both partners that bring us to where we are today. I suppose that you really need to focus on yourself and do things to make yourself happy, although I know its easier said than done.<P>Survivin,<P> I don't wear my ring either but only because I lost it a year and a half ago and have been waiting to see if I should buy another one. Hopefully, someday she'll buy it for me. I do go out also and have a good time but sometimes, I can see how it would be very easy for me to get in trouble especially if we're having troubles. So, I try to keep it to an occasional thing. I would much rather be going out with her but I also realize that it's important for us each to have our own time away from each other too. It's such a balancing act!<P>Lost Hope,<P>I have to agree with everything you wrote. I also have a hard time sometimes keeping with my work out schedule too...some days you just want to say "screw it!" but you know what? I always feel so much better after I do and I love seeing my friends at the Y. Doing things for myself over the past year really made the difference for me and got me out of the major depression I was in. I even tried meds for a while and they did serve the pupose at the time but I am so glad that I can cope with anything that comes at me now. I couldn't have said that 1-2 yrs ago. I think that your H and my w are a lot alike. Mine also refused counseling and isn't the most affectionate person on the face of the earth but she can be when she wants to be. She also says to give her time. Do we have a choice?? Hang in there LH, I'm using the same script you are and even though it isn't at the pace we'd like, it is working and we are getting those baby steps which is a lot more than many on this site get.<P>To everyone....Happy Valentine's Day!! May God's love and blessings be with us all.<P>Dave <P>
