Wow! It seems like so long since I've visited this site. I haven't been here for a few months but had to give an update. But I don't know if anyone who I talked to in the past is still around. But I still see Rondo out there. But I really wanted to share my good fortune with everyone to show that good things are possible if you are patient and refuse to give up. Of course, both partners need to want to make it work in the long run.
To recap, after 13 yrs of a wonderful marraige, my wife decided that she was unhappy in our marraige and began doing the bar/club scene. She was a WAW, and told me "I'm not in love with you anymore" in April 99 and the next year together was Hell. of course, I begged, pleaded, withdrew, became depressed, etc. We both went to counseling, together and seperately with no positive results. I finally moved out 4/00 since it was clear what we were doing up to that point was not working. While we were separated, we'd date occasionally but things never seemed to click. She continued to think that we weren't meant for each other any more. So, up until Dec, I resigned myself to the fact that divorce was inevitable. We both were dating others and it looked grim. But I really worked on myself and felt really good about my future. I was ready for anything and felt stronger than I had in a very long time.
To make a long story short, my wife called me just before Christmas. I had been preparing myself to go through with the divorce and we hadn't been talking much except things re: the kids. We talked for a while and I told her about some of the things I had been up to and, of course, we talked about us. But I kept things pretty neutral and kept referring to our divorce. The following Sunday, I dropped off the kids at the house ... didn't go in the house, I hadn't done so in a while. The next day she sent me an email saying that she wished I came in because she wanted to invite me over for dinner (Hello!! You could have called and invited me!) She also said that she was thinking about me lately and wanted to get together to talk. I told her that I was busy for the next few days (I really was) and wouldn't be able to get together with her until the end of the week. So she took me out to dinner the following Friday night (a very nice, expensive restaurant- you know, the kind where there is like 2 waiters to each table...they practically cut up your food for you!) She said again that she had been thinking about me a lot, that I sounded so strong and well when we last spoke and could see that I was moving on without her. She said that she was feeling that if we divorced, she would both be ok, but she would probably regret it somewhere down the road. I said maybe and just mostly listened and bluntly asked her "So, what are you saying? Why am I here?" She said she wanted to know if I would consider coming home. After I picked myself off the floor, I told her that I could not answer her that night, that I had a lot of things to think about.
But the following week, I started spending more time at the house. It was Christmas week and I really wanted to be home with her and the kids so I guess it helped make my decision. I've been back for just over a month and let me tell you it has been very weird and awkward. At first I felt like a visitor in my own home. They all had there routine and I felt out of place. But things have gotten better.
This past week was a really good week for us and I met her for lunch on Friday at which time we both said how great a week it was. Things seem to be going well but I know we still have a long way to go. I would love to be more romantic with her, tell her I love her, touch more, but I'm trying to go at her pace. She still isn't wearing her rings and that bothers me since I am looking for some sort of committment on her part once and for all. But I guess I still need to be patient. After all, we are so much better than we were just 7 weeks ago, so I guess I still need to take baby steps. It's great to go home to her and the kids every night!
But sometimes I have my doubts. Sometimes I really don't know what is going to happen. Part of me wants to be home. But another part of me doubts if we can ever be as happy as we once were. After living on my own for 9 months, I started liking living alone, meeting new people, and basically moving on. I know that things will never be the same (a good thing) but I really don't want a roommate. She hasn't gone out at all but we both agreed that if she wants to go out dancing with her friends occasionally that's ok. I've got to trust her other wise she'll resent not being able to go out with her friends and we'll be right back where we were. I'm still having a problem trusting her. If she betrays my trust, then I'll know I was wrong and I'll be out the door in second. I'm being very cautious, hopefully not too cautious that I'm not able to open up to her and work things out. But overall, things are ok at this point. I don't have high expectations but I am trying to remain positive and upbeat. One day at a time...
So, I guess I did make this rather long. I'm trying to be upbeat and optimistic but some days its hard. But I hope all of you can get something out of this. I just want to thank everyone who supported me on this site over the past year and a half. I especially want to thank you, Michelle, for all of the work you've done with us and providing us with a e-support group. take care everyone.
Hi David I was lurking around when you were first posting and remember you well although I only starting actually posting recently.Glad to see you home.It will work but dont try to force the pace or it to expect to much from R at the moment it will take time and patience.Have Been where you are at the moment and I am once again attempting to get there after stupidly not keeping up the changes. Royce.(Oztralian)
[This message has been edited by Australian (edited 02-01-2001).]
Just keep up the good work and things will work out fine. Start off just trying to become her friend. Think back to when you two were dating and be that same happy person(Act as if..), That's what I'm working on. But like you said "some days are better than others," I understand that so well. You have been patient for sooo long just continue dbusting and reap the your rewards later. I hope all goes well. FBOW
Dear David, Well, hello. It's good to see you back here again, especially since you are bringing such good news with you. You are right when you say that you need to go slowly...take one day at a time. Don't make demands, just enjoy each other and rebuild your friendship. I know this must feel awkward, but I really think you can make this work if you pace yourselves and make your marriage a number 1 priority. Here's to you!!!!! Keep us posted. And thanks for the kind words. Michele
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm feeling a little down today after a stressful weekend.
One of the big issues in our relationship is my wife going out to clubs and dancing with other men. Well, she went out with her friends on Friday night and I knew that she was going to a club that the OM goes to. I was very anxious all night and stressed out but I kept things to myself on Saturday morning. She must have noticed this because on Sat afternoon she blurted out "Yes, I saw XXXXX at the bar and I did dance with him once (yeah, right) and only talked with him for a few minutes. That was it. I am bound to run into him and I can't just avoid him." I told her that, yes, I was thinking a lot about her seeing him and I knew she would probably run into him. I stated that I think my feelings were only natural given the situation and she agreed but insisted that it was nothing. Then I kind of backslid because I said that what really bothers me is that she still doesn't wear her rings and I have a problem with her going out, dancing and meeting men and not wearing her wedding rings. It really makes it hard for me to trust her. When I asked her this, she just said she doesn't know why, she's just not ready to do that yet. I know that things are better for us than they have been in a very long time. But I can't shake the feeling that this is just a half-hearted attempt on her part to reconcile. I really want to trust her but it's sooooo hard when she behaves this way. Am I being too suspicious? She tells me that I am too needy and need reassurance too much. I really don't agree with her about this. But I do want more than just a roommate situation in our marriage. I want to be able to say what is bothering me without having it turned against me. Am I expecting too much? I really feel that she should avoid any place that she knows this OM might be at, but she seems to think that I am being paranoid.
I made a point of severing all contact with a couple of women who I dated when we were seperated because I know we could never repair OR if I did. I just wish she'd do the same.
Any suggestions?? I've been back home since Dec 18 and we have made progress but is this as good as it is going to get? I want some assurances from her that we are together for good. I want to talk about our future together and have more companionship. I don't know right now if we're going to be together or if we'll get divorced. I hate not knowing where our relationship is going.
I would love to go with my wife to the clubs because I do like to go out too. But she feels like she needs to do "her own thing" and I can appreciate that since I really don't want us to be joined at the hip. But I only wish she would limit her time with her friends or by herself to activities that don't involve dancing and drinking with men. Why can't she just go out with the girls for dinner and drinks, or a movie, or a day shopping? Why does she have to be "single" on her nights out away from me and the kids? Part of me says "well, if she can go out dancing with other men, I'll just call up my lady friends and spend time with them too!" But I don't because I know where that will lead. I try to be open minded, and think that she isn't doing anything more than just having fun, but I'm afraid she will meet someone else and we'll be back where we were just a couple of months ago?
Michelle, any ideas on how I should handle this? I don't want to lose all of the progress we've made so far but I don't want to be a doormat either.
