For your first question - she could not care less about you and your feelings. You are or you were just an obstacle in the way of their happiness they pretend do not exist. She will not take away your pain or turn back time. For your second question - As crazy as it seems, the anger is there, the sadness is there, the hurt is there but somewhere a very low voice inside your heart is telling you this too shall pass and you will live. For me just as for you, right now it is a very very low voice, but if you are here, and writing, you searched and found this site, your survival tools are there in your heart and you are working on making that voice higher. Take care.
We make a lot of assumptions about OW and what she is thinking. But they are not all the same, and they don't all feel the same. I had my son contact other woman and say whatever he felt. He wasn't nice to her, and I think she got the idea that there was a family that cared if my husband left it. That most certainly was not the same story he had told her. He told her we were practically divorced, just a matter of time. When she realized that she was dating a married man with a family that was not on the road to divorce, she broke up with him. Apparently, she thought he had lied to her. Imagine that.
I haven't read all the responses, but I would put my hat in for contacting OW's H with your information. But no calls/no contact to OW at all. That is my opinion.
Sara I must say yours are wisdom words. All I can say though is that there is as much literature on cheating signs as there is on dating a married man. If there is one thing we can assume is that we were all blinded folded. And as much as all parts suffers I also must say I have learned to accept, not without a whole amount of hurt and shame, that we are (the BSpouses)the ones that hurts most. And I may say that sometimes our wishful thinking is that the other parties involved would glimpse a fraction of our pain. But that's the beauty of DB. It does not matter if we are succesful on the results that should come. It is about the process of learning we can make things happier for ourselves. It is hard, it has been incredibly hard for me, but I am trying also very hard to keep the faith.Anyway, my point is, they are different, and the OP also have their rough times. But I also feel like in my case, the OP got over it easiely than I did. It was not her vows that were broken, it was not her who had to pick up the broken pieces of the M and of the family. So, learning that just made me feel more alone and weaker than she is. I guess that as you have said, each case is particular, in mine I feel ashamed she moved on and I did not. Yes, I know I need a 2X4.
Sara I must say yours are wisdom words. All I can say though is that there is as much literature on cheating signs as there is on dating a married man. If there is one thing we can assume is that we were all blinded folded. And as much as all parts suffers I also must say I have learned to accept, not without a whole amount of hurt and shame, that we are (the BSpouses)the ones that hurts most. And I may say that sometimes our wishful thinking is that the other parties involved would glimpse a fraction of our pain. But that's the beauty of DB. It does not matter if we are succesful on the results that should come. It is about the process of learning we can make things happier for ourselves. It is hard, it has been incredibly hard for me, but I am trying also very hard to keep the faith.Anyway, my point is, they are different, and the OP also have their rough times. But I also feel like in my case, the OP got over it easiely than I did. It was not her vows that were broken, it was not her who had to pick up the broken pieces of the M and of the family. So, learning that just made me feel more alone and weaker than she is. I guess that as you have said, each case is particular, in mine I feel ashamed she moved on and I did not.
But I also feel like in my case, the OP got over it easiely than I did. It was not her vows that were broken, it was not her who had to pick up the broken pieces of the M and of the family. So, learning that just made me feel more alone and weaker than she is. I guess that as you have said, each case is particular, in mine I feel ashamed she moved on and I did not. Yes, I know I need a 2X4.
Pass the 2 X 4, my friend. I feel the same way at times. What is wrong with me that H cannot work things out with me, yet OW can sleep with half of St. Louis and her husband takes her back? She gets what she wants, her H gets his family intact, my H is getting the D he most desparately wants, and here I am, the one that can't keep her man. Hugs hurt, I hear ya.
DMB. I have read your post. It is a great story and I hope that the good times continue to roll. Although there are similarities, my sitch is a bit different. I found out about the EA in October. Confronted him and he's been denying it ever since, even with spyware proof. He still says that they are just friends and that anything I've read has been all one sided and that she is in a happy marriage. I don't think that anyone who has written the things I have read could be in a happy M. My husband has been deceiptful since the summer, before he met up with his "friend", who is the last person he slept with before me while we were in university 18 years ago. Their affair is based on an internet relationship (I hate facebook) where they "found" each other. She has found reasons on at least 3 occasions to visit our town which is about 3 hours (and an international border) from her town. What makes me really mad is that a week after I had asked my H for us to get help (to which he agreed) I found came accross the evidence of the EA/PA-prior to that I had no idea. I brought it up in C and he had every chance to give it up and focus back on our M. The C was obviously not successful and dug us VERY quickly into the hole we find ourselves. His fantasy land is soooooo fantasy that it's laughable but still he refuses to give it up or even to admit that he has been wrong in ANY way about anything he has or is doing. He also blames me for absolutely every problem we had in our M prior to me trying to do somthing about it. I am glad and hopeful for you, DMB but feel quite unsure that he would take an "outing" well at all. As much as I want people to tell me that contacting the OWH is the right thing to do, I still waver and feel as though I have done everything else wrong on this path and desperately don't want to do anything else to ruin the chances. I will ponder what has been written here and on DMB's thread. For now, I must sleep so that my 3 kids have a mother who can function in the morning.
Thank you all for your insight.
Me: 38 H: 41 D13 D10 S7 M: 15 years T: 17 years Discovery of EA: 10/07 Suspected PA Trial separation: 1/31/08
When she realized that she was dating a married man with a family that was not on the road to divorce, she broke up with him. Apparently, she thought he had lied to her. Imagine that.
Hey Sara, just one point I wanted to make about your post. I can easily see how he would NOT think he had lied to her. Lost in the confusion, hurt, and self-delusion of a MLC, it's very conceivable that your H would have said "We are on the road to divorce, no turning back" - and that he believed this completely.
So, when the OP is contacted by the LBS, who they have been told is "deperately clinging to the failed M even though it is too late" (how many of us heard THAT little beaut?) - well, it becomes he said/ she said. In that case, the odds are pretty high that the OP (who is a messed up MLC case themselves, as often as not) is going to listen to the WAS.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Rob is so right. He probably didn't feel he lied to her. I recently found out my H was telling people we were 'in the middle of a divorce'. My H, at this point, feels the marriage is over, so he isn't lying.
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but still he refuses to give it up or even to admit that he has been wrong in ANY way about anything he has or is doing.
Yep. Typical.
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He also blames me for absolutely every problem we had in our M prior to me trying to do somthing about it.
