I haven't posted in ages. My H had an affair with a secretary after he had been away from the family for months while working in the tropics. A long comes this secretary who is separated from her H that left her for the babysitter. They start an affair on this beautiful island while I am at home comforting our daughter in grade 12 because her Dad can't make it home for her grad. Little did I know he was sleeping with OW. Then my H goes to a city far away to continue working with the same company … and you guessed it the OW just happens to live in the same city. To make a long story short after visiting us in July he informed me that he wanted a divorce. I was stunned. When I asked him if there was another woman he denied it. Three days after he flew back to his job he phoned me to say he was in love with a woman whom he met in the tropics and that he wanted to start a new life with her in the city far away. I was devastated as were our 14 and 17-year-old daughters. But with time and no real intervention from me he admitted he had made a mistake and he was coming home if I'd have him. The OW made the last attempt to keep him by trying to commit suicide. I think this scared him so much that home began to look real good. He has been home since October and has told me he will become unemployed before he goes away to work from the family for a long time. He has been loving, and content. He went to the STD clinic on his own to be checked and he has "faced the music" with our daughters. We went to a councillor once .... and he seems to be fine with everything. My H has done everything in his power to make me believe it is over and to prove his love for me. But I am consumed with jealousy and hate for the OW. I have put him through hell and he always forgives me and is understanding. I am seeing a councillor in 2 days to help me get over this. I cry so easily and I am so insecure. To make matters worse I think I am in the beginning stages of menopause so everything seems like a big deal. I don't want to drive my H away. What can I do to help me get over this most painful experience? He told me he loved her and that she loved him but that he loves me more … I can't get over the thought of him loving someone else. I don't want to lose my H but I feel like I am driving him away.
Hi Dana- From everything you've described Dana it sounds like your H truly intends to stay with his family. Will he consider counseling with you? And, have you checked with your dr. re. possible supplements for menopausal symptoms. At times like these when you feel completely overwhelmed it is definitely worthwhile to explore all sources of possible relief.
Try to muster up the strength that it sounds like you had during your roughest times with your H. Pull from deep inside and see all that you've endured and all that you've managed to accomplish in your marriage.
Although I know you feel weak right now, you really sound like a very strong woman who knows that these difficult times will pass. If you have not told him yet I would share with your H that you're not feeling that well physically and that you intend to see a doctor for it. My guess is that he will support you fully and that your focus on his infidelity will fade. In the interim though, I would also search on the board for how others have dealt with their spouse's infidelities. I remember seeing a book entitled "After The Affair" recommended on numerous times. Your counselor might be able to make other recommendations too.
Take a deep breath Dana and maintain a positive mental attitude. Best of luck--Jamie
Dana, I'm sorry for your pain. Thank God your husband has repented and is treating you with understanding and love. You need to go through a healing process, and this does not happen overnight. Try to stay as positive as possible with him--ask him for support, for a hug when you're feeling low about it. (I wish my husband would be so repentant and understanding. He's home to stay, and dedciated to our family, but he can't seem to handle my pain--is impatient with it...). Try to channel your hurt and frustrations and pain here on this board and in counseling. That's great that you have your own counselor who can focus on helping you to heal. Ultimately, the two of you will need counsling for your relationship--and I'll bet he'll ultimately admit that he wasn't really in love with her after all. Also, please consider Retrouvaille--do a search for it here to read what people say about it. Take care, Dana. Oh--try prayer, too. And ask your husband to pray for your healing.
[This message has been edited by maryb (edited 01-09-2001).]
[This message has been edited by maryb (edited 01-09-2001).]
Hi again MaryB. Have you seen my answer to your questions on the other thread? From your post to Dana it sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of what is happening here and that it can be destructive if not dealt with. It also sounds like we all might need a new thread of our own just dealing with how do we get over what we have been through.
Is anyone interested in a thread where we can share ideas on how we can get over the damage our spouses caused so we can move on?
Thank you to each of you for your replies. It feels good to talk to people who have gone through the same thing. I agree with Johnswife in that we need our own thread to discuss our strategies. I am off to the councelor in a few hours. I have also done a lot of reading about menopause and believe I am depressed for whatever reason. Thank you again for your support!
Dana please let us know if your counselor is able to tell you something that helps you and that you think might help others struggling with the same issues.
I am so glad you are seeing someone. We women need to talk things out where our H's don't have a need to communicate in this way. I am glad you have a counselor that you can talk too. It helps just to be able to tell somone what you are going through I think. Good Luck
This time I have found a wonderful councelor. She works with me by myself and then once a week with my H and I for marriage councelling. She has told us that there is hope for our marriage and further she says it will be better than ever before. She basically said the affair was a side effect of a poor marriage and we need to find out what the porblems were so we can fix them. She feels my husbands needs weren't being met (sex mainly) so he went looking for it with someone else. She also says it is unlikely he ever loved the OW but is afraid to admitt he was in it for sex because it would make him look like a "bad boy" and he is so eager to please. My problem is mainly to do with my co- dependent personality. I agree with her totally. I have done too much for everyone for too long. My advise ... shop around for a good councelor. My husband and I saw one two years ago and he said nothing was wrong with the marriage. He was oh so wrong!!
