I have not been on this board for a long time, just trying to get my life and marraige back on track..
my h came back after being gone(physically) for 5 months 12 months emotionally... he did have ow, you know the story, they all seem to be the same. told me the week of thanksgiving that he wanted to come back. that he was sorry for everything, that it was his fault.. i always felt that he would be back, my faith is what kept me going thru the difficult times.
some days are good, and some are bad. the question that i have for everyone is my h has a hard time showing me any kind of comfort,closeness. i don't know if this is the right word for it. he will hug me goodbye but no kisses. he tells me to give it time. that we need to give each other time to get the intimacy back. i miss the kisses and i guess i should look at the small steps.... at least i am getting hugs.
we talk and will talk about the affair. not getting into too much detail, but he will answer my questions....funny thing is he thinks i cheated during this time. i repeatedly tell him what i did and that there was never anothere person involved with me. i don't know what else to tell him. and i know that things will take time, am i pushing to fast??????
help !!!!
sometimes i do feel as if i am back at square one with him, that we are no better than we were when he left. there is no yelling we talk and get along now, which is good, but i still feel as if something is missing.
It sound slike you got back together prematurely. You need to give it time and distance to heal what has to be healed and to let the time help you to forget negative patterns. It is normal to feel that what he is doing is "Artificial", like he does it not out of his true desire but to show you his affection. It is possible that he feels the same when you show your affection -- he may feel that you're expressing your forgiveness.
When pushed -- pull, when pulle d-- pushed. Maybe, there is no reason in getting apart again, it can hurt both of you, but give him a friendly space. Friendly -- I mean, pretend that you're distancing yourself not because he behaves like this, you behave like that, not because you guys can't communicate as it was sometime before -- but find other reasosn. Lack of time. Fatique. Business trip. A trip to a stylist. A sudden shopping necessity. Etc. Be very friendly and even apologetic: "Oh, I so much want to spend an evening with you cuddling near the fire, but I really have to go to the library tonight! I will be back as soon as I can, and we can talk and have a glas of wine, of course".
It's better not to push when either of you feels there is something wrong with the intimacy. Time will work for you -- time and your friendly "taking back" approach.
I myself in my 4th year of struggling, and only less than two months ago we started becoming physical to the point of giving each other a hug (I wanted it desperately all the time, but he never moved closer, and last words I remember-- going thre years back -- that he doesn't like to be touched). Of course, I am impatient, all or nothing -- and I get miserable when I don't get it all now. But I remind myself -- it's already a huge breakthrough after three years.
Be very careful with what you hae. when in doubt -- give yourself and your H space.
Great that H has moved back. I hate to say it, but you are probably pushing a little to fast. Don't think that because you are not fighting, that the OR discussions are not doing damage. My W and I never fought.
You know the program. Try to work on friendship first. The A discussions can come later. You have every right to answers. Please wait till things are stronger. You may even find you won't need the answers later. Focus on showing H the new you. Give him some space and don't look worried everytime he walks out the door. Have you thought about Retrouville or one of Micheles seminars for the two of you? Are the two of you seeing an SBT C?
H will not go to counseling. He told me that from day one. He said he was sorry, and that is the end of it.....
He does show me little steps. And I guess I should concentrate on those and the rest will fall into place. I can't help but wonder sometimes the reasons why he came back. He told me that he missed the kids and that I was a part of it.. I should just go with that.
Sometimes it is just difficult, I want results and I did learn that time will take care of things. Time and GOD and that HE does it in HIS own time.
LH, No counseling, No Retrouvaille, I say stick with the original program. Don't jump back in with both feet. Proceed with caution. Watch the OR discussions. The only thing that seems to be different is that H is home and he may be coming out of the fog. This is still great news. Continue to do things for yourself that don't include H. Yes, steal some time for you.
Hi LH- Congratulations LH! Although every situation is certainly different, I think I can relate to much of what you described and share some things with you that I encountered and have behind me now.
Until our reconciliation at the end of this past summer, my H and I had been separated for over 21 months. We had had frequent contact with one another, much of which was likely attributable to our two small children. I'm unsure whether there was an OW, but I believe there was not. When my H first came home there was little beyond brief kisses and hugs with which he felt comfortable. I lived the frustration I read in your post and craved so much more in affection when my H attempted to assure me that things would just take some time and that I simply needed to be patient. As odd as it may sound, I guess we truly needed to become best friends again--not just pretty good friends who happened to be married.
Part of the dilema that I now see clearly LH is that, on the one hand, it is very significant that they have returned home, but, on the other hand, it is such a major step that it triggers our wanting things to occur almost instantaneously that will seemingly give us firmer and clearer assurance that it is not a test run for them and that our lives are not once again in some sort of holding pattern. When not kept in check, it is our fear and uneasiness that can run rampant and overshadow our realization that everything is just fine the way it is for right now. LH you need to find the strength that you drew upon when you were separated and wondered what your future would be. The intimacy will develop as you spend more time together and enjoy each other's company. Continue to have fun and the sparks will fly.
On the issue re. why your H is home (missing the kids? missing you? missing the house and homelife generally?...) be careful not to let those questions play games with your head. They can eat away at the positive vision you have and waste your energy. I speak from experience on that one and felt great relief when the day came when I realized we were making consistent progress in rebuilding our marraige and that my scrutinizing of the possible reasons for him initially coming home was less and less important. My personal belief is that probably in most of these instances they come home for the whole package of things. My H regularly tells me now that he is so happy and that he cherishes the fact that we are all together. He more frequently than I suggests getting a sitter so we can have time out alone. I am happier than I have been in many years.
In a nutshell LH, time will likely continue to heal things for you and your H and the things you want will come to you naturally in your relationship. Be creative with fun ideas for the two of you and maintain that positive mental attitude. Best of luck--Jamie
thanks to the both of you for your responses. kent i know what you say is true, that i should still find the time for myself.
jamie,
you hit it right on the head for me. it is hard to put into words what is really bothering me. i am worried that this is just temporary. that h will leave again, that he is having contact with the ow, ect. i do not voice my worries to h, i keep them to myself. as far as questions, i usually do not ask h unless he brings up something first. the funny thing is he still thinks that i also had an affair within this time. i was honest with him and told him what happened, which was nothing. i don't understand how he could think that i did, when i don't think it was right when he had one.... go figure.
jamie, i am glad things are working out ok for you and all is going along. you give me hope and inspiration. time, i am back to time........
Well I have been where you are.. and while it is great that they are back.. it is also strangely uncomfortable! Talk to him about this.. I bet you he has similar feelings. My h did not want to go to counseling but I did talk him into a one day "seminar" at the church for troubled marriages... since it was not that big of a time committment.. he was ok with it... it opened his eyes to a lot of things... so keep your eyes open. Also I got the Men are from mars, Women are from Venus tapes... had those on in the car.. that helped a little... It going to be awkward for a while.. the person you trusted most in the world let you down.. you are feeling very normal. One thing we did was not move right back in... we "dated again" for a few months.. finally when I felt ready I invited him to come home.. things were stil awkward.. but.. that did help us a little to build back up some passion for each other... you know I think there is some truth to the phrase..."familiarity breads contempt" so often I think we just get so used to each other... we forget what is special about each other.. and well distance helps keep it in perspective! Good luck... this is the hard part you are working on now.. but if it is successful.. it is worth it.. and even if it is not successful it is worth it.. because you will have the peace of mind of knowing you tried with everything in you! So keep on trying!
