Retrouvaille Opinions?

[Bewildered]

We are looking into Retrouvaille. I believe my wife (currently involved in affair) will go for it as a last resort. Is it worth it? The city where we live doesn't offer it, but we could drive to a city ~2 hours away. But to save the marriage the 2 hour drives would be worth it!!!!

[Ohio_Mark]

I, too, inquired regarding Retro. I was told that, because my wife was actively involved in an affair, we were not eligible to participate.

One "catch" is that there are post-weekend follow-up meetings that are necessary for success. So there will be 3 or 4 additional drives involved. But from what I understand, it's well worth the investment in time (provided your wife breaks-off the relationship and agrees to participate).

Another user here (Sara) has participated in Retro. As she is a regular poster, I have no doubt that it's only a matter of time before she checks-in.

[Heartbroken]

I have to disagree with Mark (sorry Mark) about their 'entrance rules' - this will depend on the location (and their requirements) - we were never asked about an OP - and my H started talking to his OW in the middle of Retro and we got through it. They only ask that you both go in with an open mind and heart. The post sessions are in a diff location than the weekend - there are more places that they are offered so the drive may only be the one time. You probably could find out ahead of time where the post sessions are. My H said it was b/c of Retro - NOT IC, NOT MC, NOT Separation that turned it around for him. Go into the piecing forum and go back several pages there are some threads on Retro - a lot more specifics for sure!

It's a great way to learn how to communicate - even if D happens after. Worst case is she come back from the weekend unchanged - so what do you have to lose? I thought we were done too....

Good Luck!

HB

[Sara]

Yes, Heartborken is right. It depends on the Retrouvaille group. There is a lot written on retrouvaille if you go into the search function and search under the keyword Retrouvaille for the last 6 months, you will have an afternoon's worth of reading.

I cannot recommend it highly enough. It changed our lives. It does not work for everyone, but it has a very high success rate. I believe well over 50%. The Post sessions are very valuable too. But the weekend by itself is tremendous. If she is willing to go, by all means do it. No matter what the future holds for you, you will get along better if you put into practice what they teach you over the weekend.

[Condor]

I've heard NOTHING but great things, B. I wish my wife would go.

[Lord Grenville]

Today is the one-year anniversary of my confronting my wife about her affair. She moved in with her brother and SIL, and then got her own apartment where she continues to live.

I was posting on the "Retrouvaille vs Counseling" - Piecing thread back in August/September 2006 when I was hoping my W would agree to Retrouvaille. She declined to attend the September Boston area Retro because she said she "did not think it would be a positive experience for her".

In the 5 months since then, not much has changed. She is still saying she wants a divorce and we have met with a mediator on five occasions. I agreed to attend mediation initially so I could bring up Retrouvaille in mediation, and I have continued with mediation to remain cooperative, but since our mediator also works as a couples counselor, I have taken the opportunity to ask her some questions about our relationship (in following DB principles, these are the only times I talk about our R). In two different sessions, I have asked her what in our marriage does she feel is irreparable or irreconcilable? On both occasions, she was not able to give me a single reason. I am pretty sure she is in a MLC, and has convinced herself that she can find happiness with OM, but not me. It is the classic situation where she "is not in love" with me, but she does not see that love is a choice that comes out of commitment and that the "in love" feeling can be restored. I believe my W is still involved with the same OM, but since I stopped snooping 9 months ago, I cannot say for certain.

We have come to agreement on divisions of most of our assets including the valuation of our condo so that I can buy her half. We have one more mediation meeting scheduled for the third week of March, and there's not a lot left to discuss or to come to agreement on since we have no children.

Heartbroken's post above was an eye-opener for me. It gave me hope that even a spouse involved in an affair might have a change of heart at Retrouvaille. I realize the odds of reconciliation happening are much lower than if both spouses are attending with open minds, free of other attachments.

There is another Boston area Retrouvaille April 11 - 13. I am trying to figure out the best way to present this one to my wife. Prior to the September Retro, I was emphasizing the aspects of "improved communication that would help us in future relationships even if our marriage did not continue", but I think my wife was afraid she wouldn't be able to handle the feelings of guilt that would come up for her.

I don't want to be manipulative, but should I consider telling my W that if she agrees to attend the April Retrouvaille, I would respect her wishes to dissolve our marriage if she decides that is what she wants after attending Retrouvaille? (If Retrouvaille is a positive experience, I will try to get her to agree to attending the follow-up sessions prior to her making a final decision).

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you,

LG

[Lord Grenville]

I went back and re-read Heartbroken's threads (they are inspiring and I am very happy for where she is now!), and I see that she and H attended Retrouvaille last October, which was about 7 months after H broke away from the OW - yet he was making phone calls to her from Retrouvaille.

Can you, Heartbroken, or anyone else here, speak from experience about attending Retrouvaille while a spouse was still involved in a R with OP?

How can you get an understanding of what led to your spouse having the A, or what they felt was lacking in the marriage, if your spouse has never told you and Retrouvaille does not allow you to talk about the past in the dialogues?

Thanks in advance for any words of experience or wisdom you might share...

LG

[hopeforfuture]

My W and I attended Retro back in January. When I received the paperwork from Retro, it mentioned the stipulation that there be no ongoing affair, but our organizer never specifically asked about it. My W ended her A about three weeks prior to the first weekend and was very hesitant to attend. She agreed primarily because I suggested it as a final attempt before I would agree that we had tried 'everything'. Something clicked on the Saturday of that weekend. The program focus on many differnet aspects of marriage, but the recurring message was that love, trust and forgiveness are decisions. The talks from the presenting couples where brutally honest and very emotional and helped us to realize that our problems were not insurmountable. These couples had gone through so much, yet displayed true love for each other. It was really inspiring.

How can you get an understanding of what led to your spouse having the A, or what they felt was lacking in the marriage, if your spouse has never told you and Retrouvaille does not allow you to talk about the past in the dialogues?

There is no focus on the past wrongs in the relationship and there is no requirement for the couples attending to speak out about their relationships. There are excercises utilized throughout the weekend to help the couples get back in touch with their feelings for each other. It really is a re-awakening and a very positive experience.

We just finished up our final post sessing this past weekend and are definitely in a better place today because of it.

[Sara]

LG,

Soem people have been successful with the agreement to go to Retrouvaille in exchange for an easy divorce if it doesn't change the WAS's mind. And there can be a lot of benefit to going to Retrouvaille even before a divorce. Really, I can't imagine a bad outcome to attending Retrouvaille even if the couple decides to split. But I think you have to accept that you might be called upon to fulfill your end of the bargain afterwards.

Don't worry about not being able to bring up the past. There is a time for that. There just isn't unlimited time for it. The past is brought up, it is discussed, it is aplogized for, and it is put to bed. From that point on, bringing up the past is considered picking a fight. And you are encouraged not to pick fights with your writing, just to express your feelings.

They give you rules to write by, and if you both follow them they really work.

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

We went to Retro Oct 26th through the 28th - and unbeknowns-to-me (sp? LOL!!!) OW had called him on his bday 9/11 and they had been starting to talk again - I don't think he called her from Retro but she knew we had gone from her note to me.

H liked that we were learning how to truly communicate our feelings to one another. At one point I had expressed that I felt like an old used toy being discarded for a new one - this about blew him away. There are a ton of tears and you NEVER have to share anything personal if you don't want to.

About discussing the A - you first need to learn the tools in good communication and it's not until later in the post sessions that you learn how to write about a conflicting area(s) in your M.

I maybe suspected OW was back to some extent - just how my H was starting to pull away once again but I was not ready to throw him out - I just did not realize the impact Retro would have on him.

I think you gain either way from going to Retro - you either really start working on your M for real or you learn how to be with each other in a D situation.

HB