Dear Joanne, Bet you've heard variations on this message before. I've not exchanged messages with you before so please forgive me if anything I say is too invasive or in any way inappropriate for you but I'd like to see if I can help. When I was 4 yo my 2 ½ yo sister died. Because this is just about the worst thing that can happen to a person and because my parents coped in, shall we say, less than complementary ways , it was hell for them for a long time. In fact, if the truth be known it's still hell for them from time to time. To have this experience complicated by another one of the worst things that can happen to a person, an affair, and God knows whatever other stresses you have (like helping your remaining grieving children), if you weren't venting, there'd have to be something to be really worried about.
An aside: Recently, in the bookstore, I read a chapter on coping with loss in a book by Linda Richmond (Mike Myer's mother-in-law--on whom he based his "coffee talk" character). She lost a grown child and has a very interesting take on grieving while living life to it's fullest. In addition to being heart felt and "saying it like it is", she is also very funny. If you get a chance a quick look might be interesting to you.
Anyway, my parents have had a somewhat tumultuous marriage and even on their 50th wedding anniversary fussed at each other (just a little bit) but both of them in such heartfelt ways (exceedingly rare for my dad, everyday normal for my mom) let us know they were so very glad they'd hung in there. Now...you would think this would make me realize that one should expect plenty of difficulties in marriage but noooooooo, I want my marriage to be "satisfying, fulfill my needs, really good, and above all scrupulously HONEST". Well maybe I need to realize that good marriages contain moments of rage, disgust, bitter disappointment, etc and that in times of stress you can multiply all that rotten stuff by the appropriate number fitting the stressor. I hope you and your husband (and my H and I!) can find a way to create a "good enough" marriage that in the end contains, along with all these tough, times some wonderful ones also. I'm not going through all this for nothing! Gonna hang in there and do better! Wish the best for you two.
I spent a lot of time on these boards for a while but never came on a day to day basis. So I suppose people here don't know me that well. I don't post here very often now although I still come to read and keep in touch. But really when I originally posted, it was quite literally to vent. It was a mistake because I just wanted to blow off all the inappropriate steam rather than have the whole post analyzed. It is impossible to be a DB goody two shoes the whole time.
Having vented here, I went back to being the patience, kind, considerate person that I usually am most of the time anyway. People say to me, he is who he is, stop trying to change him. Trouble is, I'm not. He's a remorseful, apologetic, upset at his behaviour, wants everything to be right and good and wants to change, promises to do things.........and never follows through. This is the cycle that has repeated itself over and over again. And I know I have no part to play in that. I leave him alone, trust that he is going to to the work, and get on with being kind and considerate and his friend and wife in the best way. Until history repeats itself.
Well it did and this time it wasn't with me, it was with our 13 year old D. I left him to it, I kept out, kept my mouth shut and didn't interfere. At the end of the day, I still had to go and console her and calm down her hysterical behaviour. I then asked him what he was doing. He said he was trying to sort it out with her. I said, did you? He said,no... but you don't know what she said and you don't know what I said. I told him I didn't want or need to hear any of that, the only thing that mattered was the end result. He got frustrated and told me I just wouldn't listen. Next day he went to work and came home again trying to make me listen to what he said, she said. I told him to go and read his e-mail
I had basically told him that I couldn't go on living like this. I had waited a year to see and feel changes that would make a difference and things were still happening the same way. I gave him 24 hours to come to me with something solid, that would not only make a difference to me but that would make a difference to him. If he couldn't find the honesty, sincerity and commitment to search his soul for the things he needed to say to me, then I was calling a halt.
He came and bared his soul with self awareness and self responsibility so I have given him yet another chance. He's away for his 4 weeks working away and I am now getting letters saying "you have made me see what I have been missing" "I am taking time every night before I go to sleep, looking at my behaviour, figuring out how I could have done things differently". I am not just hearing words, I am feeling his care and concern. He is speaking to me personally instead of discussing situations, he is supporting me and proud of me and I can feel it.
I think he has turned that corner at last.
As for coping with grief, I will try and get hold of that book. Although like everything else, I think the only person who can get you through is yourself. I do get on with life and know that it's OK to laugh and have fun and that nothing can change what has happened. It's like that well of pain is somehow separate to everything else. It also has a life of it's own and wells up, usually lying in bed at night or when triggered by things, sometimes totally unrelated. Sometimes for absolutely no reason at all. I keep being told that tears are healing. But they make you look a mess, embarrass you all over the place and so many times appear when, darn it, you forgot to put tissues in your bag. Aside from that it makes other people feel awkward. That makes it sound like I'm a fountain all the time, but I'm not. For the most part, I manage to put those feelings in a box and let them out when it is comfortable for me to do so.
So all in all, I think I can say, that things are getting a little better around here. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that they continue. I hope they do for you as well.
Dear Joanne, I don't post here very regularly either but need to tell you that you are an inspiration to me. I'm not much of a compartmentalizer. It frankly frightens me to even try to do this. But all the things that were happy, funny, pleasant, etc to me before are still meaningful to me in the same way. I laugh heartily and am more thankful than I've ever been in my life for all the precious moments this life brings, but the sadness is still there too.
Sometimes it seems like putting your foot down works and I hope it will in your case. Hope your H finds comfort at the same time as he genuinely makes these changes.
We've had a good couple of days and I've learned to cherish when that happens. Hope to figure out what makes the difference and keep it up. My H has been following up on some promises, not whole heartedly, imho, but definitely trying out new behaviors that are helpful so I tell him how he's healing us everytime I see he's trying. This kind of action on his part really does bring out my love for him. Hopefully, they'll get it that following up makes life much better for everyone. ALTL
, it was hell for them for a long time. In fact, if the truth be known it's still hell for them from time to time. To have this experience complicated by another one of the worst things that can happen to a person, an affair, and God knows whatever other stresses you have (like helping your remaining grieving children), if you weren't venting, there'd have to be something to be really worried about.