Here's a short history. My wife of 7 years, no children walked away last February, initiated the legal process and we went to court for our one and only hearing on 10/24/00. The divorce will be final 120 days from the court date. In the time that we seperated we had regular contact, argued tremendously about splitting up our debt. She has been seeing someone since we split up, the affair started at around the same time that we seperated. I chased her, cried to her, pleaded with her and we all know the outcome of that. She ended up further away. I stopped doing that around June.
I have become very adept at reading my STBX wife through the tone of her voice and body language. The last time that we saw each other before the court date, I attempted to greet her with a cheek to cheek "kiss", she pulled back, we talked for about an hour that day, just chit chat, cathcing up on each others lives.
Here's what happened next...a week after our day in court, the night before Halloween she called my office voice mail and left me a message. She said that she was carving a pumpkin and was thinking of me. She's from Europe and never did that until she met me. She said that it was nice to remember some cherished memories. For the first time in 9 months, I could tell that she had a smile in her voice.
I sent her an email the next day thanking her for the message and we started talking. She told me that it has been an emotional tug of war and that the holidays coming up were helping her to remember the good times. Something she had a hard time seeing when we first seperated. (she always turned into a little girl at X-Mas, her favorite holiday and we always spent the time with my family which she was very close to).
She has since told me that she would like to get together for dinner and, in her words, a one on one talk. We've had to reschedule dinner due to an emergency with her family and we've talked a few times. I can still see a difference in her tone of voice with me, it's much more cheerfull. We met briefly before Thanksgiving, she had bought some treats and a toy for our dog, when we parted she told me to say hello to my parents and give them a hug from her, I looked at her and we both started to cry a little, I walked over and for the first time in 9 months we embraced in a hug.
I told her that I know how much this process has changed me in the last eyar, I can only imagine the changes that she has gone through. We are both stable and happy in our lives, except for the heartache of the end of our marriage. We're both dating, she is still seeing the same man.
I told her that I don't know if the woman that she is today is someone that I would even want in my life. But, I would like to find out for sure.
Should I suggest counselling? There's a retrouvaille weekend on JAN 12th. I asked her to go before and she didn't want to. But, this was before the recent change in her attitude.
Is there anyone out there that's been here? Is she just having second thoughts or coping with the finality of going to court?
Hi BG- It certainly does sound like your W is warming up some, that she is missing you, and that she is thinking quite a bit about the wonderful times that you shared. I would not press the Retrovaille issue now, but I think it might be o.k. to ask her to do something with you that the two of you always enjoyed. Keep it light and let her see further all that she is missing. How about a comedy club night in Boston or something that would further bring out her smile. How about getting ahold of some tickets for "Nutcracker" and extending an invite. Be prepared for her to decline and do not initiate any OR conversations, regardless of whether she accepts or not. Resist the temptation to explain that the evening has no strings attached and just be very matter of fact about it.
I'll be looking forward to see what you think of inviting her out. Keep the positive mental attitude--Jamie
Thank you for the advice. I got into work this morning and there was another voice mail from her last night. It's funny how the change in her tone is so noticeable. We're still on for tonight.
It's funny that you mentioned Nutcracker. I had some friends over for dinner last night and one of them has some pull with that theatre. He told me last night that he could set me up with excellent seats.
I think that's a great idea. I'm not going to mention Retrouvaille tonight. But, they only have those 3x a year around here and the next one isn't until after our D would be final. I spoke with the coordinator and he told me that he could gaurantee one thing. That after the weekend we would know if there was anything left of our marriage worth saving.
She didn't deal with a lot of the personal issues (didn't go to therapy, just ran away) and I think she is starting to now.
We met for dinner last night at 8:30, for the first 1-2 hours we caught up, enjoyed a excellent meal and a wonderfull conversation. It took everything that I had to keep from mentioning us and where we were. Towards the end of our meal the talk turned to my family and hers, it got very emotional, at several points one or both of us were crying right at the table, neither one of us really cared what the other patrons thought!
It was the first time since we seperated that we had a good, productive conversation that didn't lead to arguing or fighting. (10 months).
She used to criticize me for all of the relationship books that I read (she was the WAW and I was the pursuer) She started describing the exact emotions that WAW's have, not being able to remember the good things, even thought they greatly outnumbered the bad, feeling like she had to take control from me because I had previously made most of the everyday decisions.
At midnight the restaurant closed and I asked her if she wanted to call it a night or go someplace else for a drink. She opted for another drink and we ended up leaving that place at 2:30 AM, not drunk at all, just wrapped up in conversation. We sat in front of her apartment building for another half hour after that. We both still managed to make it into the office this morning!
She was very dependant before and her new independance makes her that much more attractive to me. She even made the first basic step of communication in stating exactly how she wanted to proceed from here and stated almost word for word exactly how I feel about "us". Her words "we've both changed a great deal in the last 10 months, lets get to know each other again and see where it leads" I had said to my best friend and my Mom & Dad that I know how much I have changed, I can't even begin to imagine the type of person that she is today, (I know the core of the same beautiful person that I married is there, but we all know how this experience makes us grow and change) I don't know if the woman that she is today is someone that I would want in my life, but I'd like to find out for sure.
She then asked me not to suffocate her with phone calls and emails, her last memory of me was when I was chasing her, not wanting to give up. I told her that that had been my natural reaction before I educated myself and that for the first time since we seperated I felt as if I was finally prepared to deal with the situation in a constructive, rational way.
I ceratinly don't have my hopes up and I'm not putting the pressure of expectations on the situation.
Either way it goes, I feel much better about the woman that broke my heart. And, I'm looking forward to getting to know my best friend.
Thanks for your feedback and for listening to our story.
Great news BG! It sounds like the night went wonderfully and that each of you is keeping an open mind re. the potential for your relationship. She seems to have learned more about herself and is perhaps willing to witness and believe that you too have made some positive changes. Keep up the good work--Jamie
