I have not been on this site in a long time. I guess I kindof lost hope. I did post an update recently on the I need support forum.
Let me update so you can get the picture. H was in affair since jan (that I can trace, could be longer), left in july. I went thru the whole gammet of what everyone here says not to do, you know the questions, the in your face, I want answers, ect..... I know this drove h away but did not stop because I was hurt, angry ect. I have been thru the emotional roller coaster and back again. It was not until I truly let go that things started to get better for me. I learned alot in these past few months and have gotten on with my life.
fast forward to this week Tues. H called and said he wanted to come home. This after he always swore to me that he did not love, want, need, ect me. And he wanted a divorce. I always fought the big d, told h I never wanted to divorce him, never wanted to leave. Now he wants to come home. Actually we moved all his stuff back from his apt. on Friday. So he is back at home. The first night home, he slept in our d's room (she was at a friends house that night.) I told h that if he did not want to sleep in our room, our being back together was not going to work. We need to be together and need to work things out. He told me that he was used to sleeping by himself and that this is going to take time. I am not talking about sex, just the closeness, the togetherness. I know things will take time, but if he was not ready for this why come home???????
I guess I have alot of questions, as to is this normal, should I expect him to share our bed this soon. I do not want things to be like they were before he left.
he did apologize to me for the affair and did say that it is over, otherwise he would not have come back.... Here I am again trusting his words......
I know this will be hard and I do want my marraige to work. I need others who have been thru this to help
However,you are going to experience a myriad of emotions.Please read DBing again and avoid pushing your H into a corner.I hope you have a therapist to process all of this w you. Don't despair,this sort of "quasi return" seems to happen frequently.Your H may be "sticking his toe in the water to check the temperature", prior to "jumping in"! You have achieved quite a bit by his returning..have patience and allow him to pursue you. Take care...Jenny
Hi LH- To a certain extent, I've been in your shoes re. H moving home, but into the guest room. Provided that you still want to save your marriage and live as a family again, proceed slowly. He has taken a big step and the two of you need to gradually rebuild the closeness and trust. If you are continuing to make progress then try to focus on that progress and less on where he is sleeping in the house. You'll drive yourself nuts during this early part of the reconciliation process if you look more at what is missing and less at what is developing.
Some of the most difficult times for me have come when I wanted more and more, faster and faster, and needed to center myself again to see "the glass half full." I'm not saying that all of this necessarily applies to your situation LH, but give yourself a chance to relax and enjoy each phase of your reconciliation. Best of luck with everything--Jamie
thanks..... I know things will take time and that he did take a big step coming back into the house. If I learned one thing these last months is to not question and push.
I need to concentrate on him being back and taking baby steps, this is difficult.
Did either of your spouses go to counseling??? I mentioned this to my h and he refused. He said to give him time, and to let him be and things will work out.
The closeness is what I miss and I guess I am pushing that part. I want to show him affection and he is not ready for that yet. I did ask him why he came back if he is not ready for that. Not that I want everyting right away but that I do want hugs..... Does this make sense??
Just reading the success stories helped me and I know we still have a long road ahead of us......
Hi LH- You might need to change your username from LostHope to FoundHope! My H and I both went to counseling (not SBT--solution oriented brief therapy--though) prior to his leaving and he did go for some individual counseling. We have not returned to counseling as a couple and I have not pushed the issue because we are making progress and I trust the pace at which we are moving. Were we to go to counseling now I would certainly only consider going to an SBT counselor that follows the DB principles.
