Losing it: narcissistic mother ruins my DBing

[stella_k]

Hello all.
This is my first post, though I have been lurking a lot, MLC sites mostly.
I am dyslexic and it takes me forever to write anything, so I've been postponing
doing so; but now that I'm at my wit's end, I really need some help/advice.
I'm afraid it's going to be a long story, so please bear with me:)
I am the only daughter of a narcissistic mother (NM). If you don't know much
about N, the short description is: Larger than Life Ego, pretending to have deep feelings but actually incapable of love, impossible to please, always suffering from
real or imaginary ilnesses and making you responsible for their well-being,
demanding your full and undivided attention all the time.
13 years ago my H and I have left the country to live and work abroad, mainly to
stay away from her and keep her as far as possible from our D(now17).
I kept calling her once a week to receive a weekly portion of
whining and blaming me for abandoning her. My H was most loving, supportive
and caring throughout our M23. What I didn't realize is that my constant
unhappiness over my mother's demands, has been hurting him badly.
I remember one day, 2 years ago, when I got off the phone after talking to my NM, he suddenly burst out crying (he never does
that normally), saying: it's hopeless, she'll never let go of you. I felt so guilty and tried to comfort him, and
promised never to bother him again with NM issues and really stopped talking to
him about NM. I guess it was too late as he was in MLC already.
The rest is usual MLC story. Last September he receives this offer of a new job in
our home town and goes away for an interview. He calls and tells me he wants the job and takes it, will be back for Xmas. Shortly before Xmas he calls
me, drunk, and tells me he is in Hell. I am scared but consider it just him been drunk
and the fact that he is missing his family. He arrives and he is an alien. His eyes are
beady, he is cold, unloving, makes nasty remarks, doesn't want any sex (impossible!). Then, on Dec 27, the Bomb and
ILUBNILWY speech. We both cry (I perform all the pleading-begging-sobbing Don'ts)
and he says he needs time to sort things out, just wants to be alone. I ask whether
there is an OW and he says NO. In 23 years he didn't lie to me once,
so I believed him, of course. We decide that he goes and I stay where I am (I work full time teaching) until our D17 graduates.
And we tell nobody. He goes away and tells me he still loves me and things will be ok. First 3 weeks he calls often, then it starts again - he is distant, cold, doesn't
call that much, doesn't say anything about our R. By then I start reading about MLC
and don't push it, just try to stay calm and positive.
Then he comes for XMas again. He is not an alien anymore, much nicer to me and D,
but still doesn't want sex. When I confront him, confesses that there is an OW,
and has been for a year (the phone call from Hell).
I cannot really blame him when he says I was unhappy all these years and made him unhappy as well. I pity him with all my heart and I see that he suffers too (he kept saying: what have I done?!) I promised to wait until May, when the D17 graduates and I supposedly will join him in our home town.
Now that he is gone again (same scenario: calls often, says ILY, calls
less and less, sounds distant) I find it next to impossible to remain calm, tell nobody, not to cry in front of D17 (she has no clue! And I manage to act funny and
happy when she is around), keep listening to my NM complaints, now twice a week,
and appear sane in the classroom.
I cannot help imagining him with OW. The worst of all is that he is visiting my NM!
I begged him not to, but I think he feels obligatedd and thinks of it as a right thing to do. I feel that all my DBing is ruined
by her. She is picking up quarrels with him, complains, demands, sobs, asks why
doesn't he call his family every day. In short, she does all the things I am trying so hard not to do!
Needless to say she has no idea of what's going on. I asked her, of course, to stop complaining to H and demand tings from him, but I could tell her
to stop breathing as well, all she cares about is her precious self. Sometimes I even
think she would be glad to have me and H divorced, with him out of the picture and D17 off to college, she would have me giving
her all my time (in her dreams!).
I feel that I start losing the battle. Yesterday I cried in front of my D17, just couldn't
help it. Gave her some vague explanation. And then I called my H, something I resolved not to do ever again, because I needed to hear his voice.
I cry myself to sleep every night and in the morning I have to teach.
I am trying to GAL, work out a lot,
but at the moment everything seems dark and hopeless.
I am so sorry about the length of my post, just needed to get it off my chest.
I would appreciate any advice/words of wisdom.


Me 45
H46
D17
M/T23
Bomb: Last XMas
Found out about OW: This Xmas
separated: 17 months

[Jeanette1120]

Wow...I'm surprised nobody has tackled this issue yet! I guess it's because it's usually our Mother In Laws are the narcissistic ones!

Larger than Life Ego, pretending to have deep feelings but actually incapable of love, impossible to please, always suffering from
real or imaginary ilnesses and making you responsible for their well-being,
demanding your full and undivided attention all the time.

OMG! If I didn't think Rich would shoot me on the spot I would send him this. You've described her SPOT ON!

I guess the only way I will be of any help to you is to apply the same tactics I would if Rich would have just tried to see things in a different life.

Sounds like your mother is not wanting you and yours to be happy as she is miserable. Misery loves company.

I would try and get your H away from you NM!! QUICKLY. She's done alot of damage already to your marraige.

Start DB'ing YOUR MOTHER......then start assuring your H that he is the strength in the family, not your mother. Assure him that your not going to let your NM involved in your life until she can understand the damage she does! Be consistent with both of them.

From your NM constant complaining she's depleting his self-esteem at being a good husband/father. She has drug him down, along with her. I'm sure there are other factors going through his head but from your post your NM seems to be at the top of the list. If you can apply the DB'ing principles to your NM it would be a GREAT START!

Mothers love us, and think they are doing the best for us at times when actually they are doing more harm than good.

GOOD LUCK!

Jeanette

[stella_k]

Start DB'ing YOUR MOTHER......

What a thought:)

Thank you, Jeanette, i will try.

Actually, I can try doing 180 and see if it works.

And she will never, never understand the damage she has done. N is living in
his own world and he/she is never wrong.
I have told my H many times, that he is the most important thing in my life,
he and our D17, and I'm sorry that I've let her cast such a shadow over his (our!)
life.

But since there is OW in the pic, I HAVE to be the bad guy. And I'm
afraid when he visits NM, he sees the distorted image of me, which suits him
just fine and justifies his A.

When I asked him to stop visiting her (and bring her stuff, and fix things in the
house, etc), he said it's all right, he can ignore her and I cannot. I didn't want
to insist, because of 180 I'm practising (no pressure).
What a mess:(


The best of luck to you too!

Stella

[missmyfriend]

Stella, it is tough when you have a mother like that. My Ws mother, I believe, is N as well. My W has started adopting these traits over the last 2 years even though she would be horrified if she realized it. (She may have and has given into it).

Your H feels duty bound and he is affected by her even if he doesn't believe so. Not to make you more angry toward your M but it is a possibility that he feels freedom when he is with the OW (unless he feels she needs fixing too) and being on his own is freedom. You may not be able to stop your M from being N because if she truly is, it will take loads of therapy, an admission of her problem and possibly medication to make her "normal". You may not be able to control her (you can't) and you may not be able to control your H (you can't) but you can change yourself as it appears that you have.

Try not to worry about what your M does or says to your H. Do not try to control any of your Hs R including the one he has with your mom. Be the rock for him. Let him know peace with you. Listen to him when he complains and validate (that doesn't mean you should agree with or support bad behavior) but avoid being judgmental. Over time (yes, time) he will realize that your are that place of solitude and safety, regardless of your R with your M or the freedom to be on his own or with the OW.

Try as hard as you can not to worry about how others are with your H. I know this because that has been a huge thing with me and my children. You can make it a lot easier with all the people you know if you do not share every painful detail about what your H has done or is doing to hurt you and your family. Speak only kind words about your H to others. It will make it much easier for you to DB.

It is a mess. But messes usually get cleaned up with patience and care.

[stella_k]

MMF,

I wish I could tell at least some people... As it is, nobody knows. Friends and colleages keep asking me about his new job, our future plans.

Hurts a lot.

They think of me as a very happy woman. LOL.

stella.

[stella_k]

I have posted on NPD forum (narcissistic personality disorder) as well, pretty much
the same post. Because of my diificulties writing, I always try to "utilize" my messages:)

It is interesting how the perspective changes and opinions differ accordingly.
The guys over there are very supportive and suggestive when it comes to the NPD.
But MLC is a myth for them, invented to cover up for misbehaving H/Ws.
They wonder if I am really going to wait for my H to come out of the fog and
take him back after all the cheating/lying he has done.

I guess they think I'm a doormat:)

Is that how the world is viewing LBS?

That's what I've got :

"I am not so sympathetic to your husband as you appear to be.
OK , so he had to put up with the troubles caused by your NM etc but it is no excuse to cheat on you and expect you to live like this. He of all people should know the pain you have had that has marred your happiness (not just his) and he could have tried to help you sort it out years ago. Do not make it so easy for him to behave like this towards you and his family. Like most folk - he wants his cake and to eat it too."

[Going Solo]

I guess they think I'm a doormat:)

Is that how the world is viewing LBS?

Unfortunately, that's what I've run into as well.

[stella_k]

Well, I know I'm not (and neither are you, GS! nor any of us, DBers, for that matter).

It's just that that sort of thinkinfg affects me somehow. I just got another one:


"Your hubby didnt' like your phone calls, yet goes to see her now!!!!! He is making matters worse, probably knows this and is using it to justify his behaviour, which is appauling. "

That's what I would think before I've known about MLC.

I know it's not true, but it upsets me anyway.

[Going Solo]

I know, Stella. It's the tough love from friends and family that hurts. They want us to hate them so that we can "heal". Personally, I've never been able to heal by hatred.

[stella_k]

Which is why I never spoke a word of it to anybody. Anybody I know "in real life",
that is:)

I think you can only heal by loving more.

I'm not blaming myself for my H's MLC, I know better then that, but sometimes I think, if only I would have loved him more back then, may be...


Thank you, GS, for your kindness.