I feel like if I don't just start a thread, I'll never update. No time to update just now, but things are overall pretty good. I'm just tired...and the truth is this journey never, ever ends.
At least we're moving forward instead of backward. I promise I'll update in the next few days.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
So last night was MC, and the session ended up being 90-minutes long. We were the last appointment of the evening, and we were into deep territory, so I guess our MC decided to just let us go on.
I yelled at H. Not like I ever did in the past; not mean, not as manipulation or punishment, but in passion/frustration/listentomewhydon'tyou style.
I see it as a victory. Why? Because I've been holding back, being less than fully me. I've played this role of always understanding, always patient, always waiting for H to step it up. I've avoided conflict and intense emotion like this...always thinking in the back of my head that if I yelled or got REALLY upset with/in front of him, he'd assume it was more of the same. H doesn't feel comfortable with anger AT ALL...has labeled it "bad"...but it's real and it's okay to feel it and express it. It's all in how that's done.
Anyway, I see this as a victory because I finally felt comfortable enough with me, in love enough with me, perhaps trusting enough in H to just unleash the beast.
Essentially, H is pulling this "I'm trying to be Zen" thing with me and never expressing anything he wants or needs or is upset about. Sort of same H behavior, different day. The problem with this, kids, is that H tends to take that attitude then, when there's some outside stressor, goes to the mountaintop, thinks, and then there's a crisis. This is what he did in our M before that led to the big bomb. Never called me on anything, never asked for anything, just held on to resentment and anger until he met LW and decided we were through.
I yelled at him that I would not accept that again. I shouted and said I expected him to voice his needs and concerns as we went along because I WOULD NOT stand like I had before if he pulls this sh*t again. Told him I was through not asking for what I want or voicing my true feelings about anything. MC just watched and let it happen then asked H how he was feeling about it.
Me, I felt GOOD. Liberated. Gone are the d*mn eggshells.
That was good for our M and good for me. I have no regrets, and I know I didn't do anything wrong. Emotion is not wrong!
H, for his part, seems largely clueless. He's improving, but he's stuck and too afraid to risk anything...to risk being real and just putting it out there. Me, I've paid the cost of not speaking up or communicating, so I'm done with that. I'm not all the way there, but I pretty much don't avoid expressing my desires and feelings about most issues. In fact, I told him I didn't want to go to one of his co-worker's events last weekend because I didn't want to see LW. Put it right out there on the table, didn't care if he thought it was petty or weird or whatever. Because the thing is, I have to take care of ME first.
Still GAL these days. I've made some good friends, and I'm taking a class the next two evenings that will push me along my path even further. I'm a happy SD, no matter what happens with H. If he wants to choose the "I'm too enlightened to get angry/have wants and desires/get attached, then that's his business, not mine.
Hope you all are well. SD is BACK.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
That was good for our M and good for me. I have no regrets, and I know I didn't do anything wrong. Emotion is not wrong!
H, for his part, seems largely clueless. He's improving, but he's stuck and too afraid to risk anything...to risk being real and just putting it out there. Me, I've paid the cost of not speaking up or communicating, so I'm done with that. I'm not all the way there, but I pretty much don't avoid expressing my desires and feelings about most issues. In fact, I told him I didn't want to go to one of his co-worker's events last weekend because I didn't want to see LW. Put it right out there on the table, didn't care if he thought it was petty or weird or whatever. Because the thing is, I have to take care of ME first.
Way to go, SD! Remember, your R is a dynamic thing - it's simply impossible for you to change, without it changing the R, and changing H. Keep up the good work, it will pay off in the end.
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Hope you all are well. SD is BACK.
I'll say! So glad to have you back, girlfriend!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
My attitude at my 2 year mark was along the lines of "Oh for F's sake. I've worked on myself, I'm one DARNED FINE girl, you've said you played your part in this M crisis, so I stated calmly what I wanted, told it to you striaght just like you asked and you are STILL pussyfooting about. I cannot do any more here. If you want help, I will provide it. But I cannot mind read and I cannot guess".
My H (who remember is your H's UK twin) did try not to rock the boat, tried to guess my feelings, made assumptions. Basically, he was backsliding. I remember a conversation with him about this time: Me "You told me that if I have something I find difficult to say or ask, that I should just tell you straight. Well I have done and you don't like it. What more can I do?" H "errr... oh yeah"
He needed constant reminders ... like in other sample convos: H "I wasn't sure what you wanted to do" Me "that's Ok, but if you ask me I'll tell you" H "oh yeah" (to the sound of creaky, rusty cogs in his brain whirring)
I think you're in another it's up to H to step up to the mark phases. These seemed to come and go a lot for me. They still do, although they are more little nudges now. You have stated what you want (again, but bear with me, I think I stated what I wanted about 15 times and about 50% of it has sunk in so far) now it's time to gracefully step back, be very ZEN about it and wait - ha ha
God SD I do know how you feel. Sometimes when my H is bing a bit .. well .. cr4p I just want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him and call him a stupid boy. But I'm calm, remind him of what I've stated before and wait. I think as well part of me having a successful M is going to be accepting that my H is a bit cr4p at times. But I go for the 80/20 rule. AS long as 80% of the time it's OK I'll let the other 20% go.
And if i get angry .... well there are always Body Combat classes to go to where in my head I can repeatedly punch H in the head 30 times ... there is always some heavy metal about to play DARNED LOUD and always a good mate about to go out with for a good moan with (and a bottle of wine or two)
I will have a drink for you tonight! Cheers!!
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Anyway, I see this as a victory because I finally felt comfortable enough with me, in love enough with me, perhaps trusting enough in H to just unleash the beast.
Way to go, SD! Remember, your R is a dynamic thing - it's simply impossible for you to change, without it changing the R, and changing H. Keep up the good work, it will pay off in the end.
Thanks, Rob. I need to keep this in my mind. I'm SO frustrated right now...feeling like just giving up and settling for crap. I've got to remember to just take care of myself and keep asking for what I want!
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
