Long time reader, first time poster... H & I have been separated for the better part of 15 months (though married now nearly 22 years). There has been an OW involved since before he moved out, though currently he says she is finished w/him. He's been a classic case of the flip-flopper in the time we've been separated, seeing both of us, breaking up w/her whenever I told him I wouldn't see him anymore, etc. He finally moved back home in late Sept., and things were difficult but he seemed to be making progress in "getting her out of his heart," when after his counseling session last week, he abruptly moved out and filed for divorce. He says he loves me (I'm his best friend) but doesn't have any romantic feelings or passion for me, and doesn't think he can get that back. Anyone have any advice on this? Once those feelings are gone, are they gone forever? Or is he just experiencing one h***uva midlife crisis? I've seen less of him since he filed than in the previous 15 months, though have talked to him daily. He's said the filing was a mistake, but then, he's contradicted his own words a million times in the past year, so I'm trying not to take stock in anything he says these days. Should I break off all contact with him, so he can see what it feels like to really have me out of his life? Any advice welcome! Deb
hi..I am C, the W. Today I listend to the audio sessions at www.marriagebuilders.com. you should listen to it, I found it very insightful, and to be honest it really simplifies things. Like the old saying goes, he is having his cake and eating it too-sounds like he is having the best of both worlds right now. You are there when he needs you, even though hes filed for D. Listen to the audio about affection. Good luck to you C Sorry I cant be of more help, but am waiting for my copy of DB to come in the mail!
Thanks, Chelsea & C, for your advice. H didn't leave me alone much this weekend. I pretty much went ahead with my own plans (was repainting my bedroom) and spent a little time w/him when it was convenient for me, instead of being waiting at his beck & call. I did suggest that if he wants to see me, perhaps we should date, and he seemed agreeable to that. Am I allowing him too much contact for right now, do you think? It's hard... I know he's lonely (so am I), and we have a 17 yr. old daughter who lives w/me and who is very close to her father. He seems to be trying, but then, I've been known to say that before! Deb
Help needed!! I'm back on the roller coaster. Keep slipping back into the pattern of believing some of what H says, or at least of wanting to believe it. Like his suggestion that we go away for a weekend. He's filed for D--what's that all about?
I guess my real quandary is just how much contact I should have w/him. I've kind of written off this weekend, as our daughter who's a freshman in college is home, and I feel like for her sake I shouldn't banish him from the premises. But I did refuse to go w/him to his mom's yesterday; just sent the kids w/him.
If I cut off all non-child related contact, is that sending the message that I don't want anything more to do w/him? I think that is how he would interpret it. Can I maintain some friendly, but distant, contact, and still keep my sanity? How far does a 180 have to go in this situation?
Any thoughts welcome--I am having a case of the major blues!
Hi Deb, it sounded like what you had been doing was slowly working with your H. I'd suggest not doing anything differently for a bit. I know the tendency to want to have a quicker, more pronounced impact on things, but resist it and keep your positive mental attitude, especially in his presence. My H and I were separated for over 21 months and the roller coaster ride was so difficult at times.
Keep doing what is providing the baby steps you described in earlier posts. Your H's expressed willingness to date you is significant--don't push now or pull away. He could possible view the former as you being overbearing and the latter as you changing your mind re. him. Note, doing what you've been doing does not mean waiting for him to do anything dramatic, it just means remaining open to all of the possibilities.
Thanks, Jamie. Are you and your H back together? It's been so long for us, it doesn't seem like it could ever happen.
Last night was the very lowest I've been since his A ended. We talked for a half hour or so, and he told me some of the things that were wrong w/that relationship; then told me he thinks he'll never date again, just wants to be alone for the remainder of his life, etc. We both cried and hugged eachother before he left; as it was then after midnight, I wished him a happy last anniversary (which is today--our 22nd); he said don't but I said I couldn't help thinking about it in that way.
He did call this a.m., when I'd had very little sleep but at least had gone for my usual a.m. walk, which helps to clear my head. I asked if I was correctly interpreting his message last night, which was that he plans to go through w/the D and basically doesn't want anything else to do w/me. He said he doesn't know what he wants, he wants to find peace and if that means D, then that's what will happen... Hardly reassuring, but maybe you're right, I should just keep doing what I'm doing. Though I know I need to do more for me, try to find some happiness (or at least peace or stability) w/out him for now. Is it time to throw in the towel and make that my only focus???
Deb, Ok, now sit up straight. You have a huge chance here. I know you don't feel strong. Well, you have to fake it. Get some sleeping pills. I did for the first time and it was great what a good night's sleep will do. You have to get a grip. I know your whole body is shaking and you want to cry at the slightest thing. We have been there. Show him your value. Show him your spark and your smile. If he doesn't know what he wants then he wants you! He just forgot what a great person you are. Pretend to be strong. I do it every Friday when I date my wife. It is the only time I get to see her. She has told me she has seen a change in me. My confidence builds. Yours will too. Go out with a friend or go out alone. Have some fun even if you don't want to. It is time to stop the cycle of misery. Listen to Jamie. She's been there and knows how to help. Here is her thread: http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum40/HTML/000307.html
Keep posting, even if no one replies right away. It helps to put things in writing and maybe get a response.
Thanks for your reply. I don't know if you saw my posts on Jamie's thread, but my H has been back for about a month and a half now. This time it feels a lot different than the 6 weeks he was back in the fall. It feels like he's here to stay. He seems much more emotionally stable, not having the anxiety attacks he was having over XOW in the fall, etc.
We still have not had any OR talk, so it's difficult for me to really know where he is at. I am trying to just accept his actions as speaking for him at the moment--and he's done some things like disconnect the phone and cable at his house, as well as move all his personal belongings, knick-knacks, etc. to my/our home, which suggest that he really doesn't plan on going back there. But how committed to our relationship is he? Well, that's anyone's guess.
While things aren't always smooth, it isn't quite like walking on eggshells these days, either. We can disagree about things without them affecting our relationship, and are able to help one another through bad days. Our physical relationship has also improved. Generally, I'd have to say things seem headed in the right direction.
It's too early for me to consider us a "success story," and to be honest, I do want a better relationship than we've ever had to truly consider us successful. But I think we are finding, to answer my own question, that love can come back. And even if we don't make, I think I am a stronger, happier person than I was, and I know I can make it on my own.
This board has been a lifesaver for me, and I wish everyone on it all the best in the world! Happy Easter, everyone!
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