Posted here yesterday looking for advice on how to confront my wife with what I know about her affair. Well, I did it last night. I was calm, non-vilifying (as much as I could be), and factual.
I told her I know she has had sex with her OM, which she responded to with "Oh you do, do you? How do you know?". It started to bug here when I kept saying it didn't matter how I know, but I do know. To get her off that I dropped a few hints from her call that she recognized, then it started to click for her that I really *did* know. Amazingly she *still* was in denial! Tried to say that the orgasms she referred to having in her call were a result of phone sex!!! Can you believe it? Then continued to try to say that he wasn't interested in her. It is really sad, how messed up she is right now.
I told her I didn't want to divorce, but I won't stand in the way if she wants to pursue one. So we started talking about the logistics of how we would split up, again very factually and very clinically. Would both like to pursue a dillilusion and keep it very civil. I told her that for the kids sake it would be best for them to stay in the house, and the only way for that to happen is for me to stay and her to go (financial reasons). I told her think of it this way, you'll have lots more time to pursue the OM this way! Know it was wrong to say, but couldn't help it.
Anyway, the more I talked in a very non-threatening and resigned way about proceeding with the disillusion the more she started talking about maybe waiting a bit. I told her I can wait but I can not put up with her being with him - in no uncertain terms let her know she wasn't going to get to have her cake and eat it too. She told me she didn't know if she can completely quit him, and I respect her honesty. We did agree on a fixed time period - started with 1 month and ended up at 1 week - where I won't snoop and she won't see/contact him and we will put off pursuing the D.
Went to bed, all is well. Got up this morning and totally different mood - she was *pissed*!!! Said she dreampt about being a fly in a petri dish and can't live like this any more. Very bitter toward me, angry at the degree to which I snooped, said I couldn't know how that feels. I shouldn't have, but I reminded her that she could never know how it felt to be betrayed by adultery. I think underneath it all she was just angry she got caught! Anyway, I left for work and here I am.
Any suggestions how to handle this next week? Do I just DB as usual, or try to come on to her more strongly and be more loving? I think coming on to her while she still feels this way about OM is stupid - there is no way I can compare to him in her eyes, so trying will just make me look pathetic. Other perspectives?
Well, you could continue to keep your conversations with her on that same civil level. I wouldn't keep "coming on" to her as it makes them rebel even more and makes you look needy. Backing off and trying to detach a bit might be wise at this point.
I think underneath it all she was just angry she got caught!
I think you pegged it here. My H was very upset about his privacy being invaded as well, and at first it worried me (that he was mad at me). Then I realized "Tough!". Once I knew about the A and H confessed, I stopped the major snooping altogether. It took him awhile to believe I stopped. Keep your promise and don't snoop, that way you can look her in the eyes and tell her you kept your word.
I think you did well here. Kept it calm, stated your case and respected her. I believe her moods will go up and down this week. Your turn to stay level, polite, and talk with her when your time limit is up.
What bugs me is how she keeps referring to my snooping as a betrayal of trust that is as equally severe as her infidelity. She blames her infidelity in part on my years of snooping, claiming that this was the only answer I would have every settled for. She may be right, but the irony is that now that I know that "the worst possible thing" happened my desire to snoop is *totally* gone. Its like the fear I had for the last almost 2 years of "the worst possible thing" wasn't really all that bad once it happened. I had a cold resignation when I found out for sure. I guess I could also go the other way with all this - if she hadn't been covertly in contact with her old boyfriend for years I never would have had to snoop.
That's pretty much script, Bewildered, from what I understand. It's very typical for a person involved in an affair to blame everything on the spouse that they betrayed, and even re-write their marital history.
It is so true that the WAS will blame everything on the LBS. My H was angry that the OW's H called me to talk to me about their ongoing affair. I told my H at least all I did was talk to the OW's H and not sleep with him! My H's reply was "Well, two wrongs don't make a right." Unbelievable, huh?
It's sad that they compare our snooping to their infidelity and think it is right along the same lines as the betrayal they inflicted on us!
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
She got caught and that is how they respond to getting caught.
Spew thats all it is. My H tried to turn things on me but then shut up as he knew he was digging a deeper hole for himself. He wasn't as bad as some on here so he did have some sense of right and wrong, just needed to work on where the rest of it went.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
It makes no sense that they're the ones committing ADULTERY yet they cry FOUL PLAY cause we snoop? Excuse me but if we ever make it to the pearly gates at the same time, I don't think that's going to be weighing on my conscious! "I'm sorry St. Pete, but I snooped on my H while he was sleeping with another woman, can I still get into heaven?" Compared to adultery????
Snooping is a a way of protecting ourselves.
Beware, the need/desire to snoop may come back to you if you suspect that she is meeting/talking to OW and trying to hide it. They'll do anything, say anything to cover it up. Their lies are as smooth as butter ... and you'll want to know.
My H actually had the nerve to start a rant last night about me snooping through "his" cell phone bill online. He was mad and made a reference to me going through it and calling unfamiliar numbers (I only called 1),but what gall! He told me he was going to change his password and that I didn't need to be checking up on him and I just asked him that at this point what would that do? I already know about the OW and the A, so kinda like closing the cell door after the inmates have escaped. Whats left to hide?
I have made a vow to stop snooping for the time being as it doesn't hurt anyone but me because he has yet to end the A, but I will start it back up in a heartbeat if I need to. Keep to your time limit. My best advice to get through the next week is keep calm, cool and detached. Don't let her get a rise out of you and stick to your guns.
Hang in there!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
