I saw your response to SJT's post where you talked about the detachment thing. I thought that maybe I was getting that down (or at least a little here and there) but it is so hard. I keep going back to wondering how did he love me so much and then just not love me anymore and not want to work on this marriage. I get so mad that he did not work on it and does not seem that he is going to work on it. (You have posted to me before in JBaker;s thread Update on Success) I am having a low PMA day, acutally have had a few of those lately and I can't seem to come out of it. I just want my husband and best friend back. How did you do the detachment thing? I have tried to find some of your story and read some of what you did (that was a suggestion by Jenny) and I could not find them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated by you and any other veteran's out there.
Hi friend, yes I am here. I usually peek in once a day to see how things are going although my H would rather I didn't spend a lot of time here because it reminds me of what he did and that can spoil my PMA. I don't know if I can help you or not but I will try.
Detaching is the hardest thing to do and most of us can't do it until we have had about all we are willing to take from our spouses. I know it took me several months, but when I noticed that when I detached he came closer it made it easier to detach. I was becoming the best person I could be for myself. After 30 years of marriage and always doing everything for everbody else I was putting myself first. He liked the new happier me. (I was crying on the inside). So in the beginning detaching was a big act but over time I realized that no matter what his decision was I was going to be OK.
My sister had gone through something very similar a couple of years ago. She never spoke about it to the family but she knew that we knew what was going on. I confided in her the basics and asked her what finaly turned her H around. She told me when she had finally had enough and told him to just go because she didn't give a flip anymore what he decided to do he suddenly wanted to come home. Well I kept reading these boards and heard the same story over and over again. It seems many H's put thier wives though hell until the W just can't take anymore and detaches from their H's drama. This probably doesn't work for everyone but it is real common.
From what I could find around here your H has filed and isn't contacting you as much as he was a few months ago. Your H is out of the house and my H never left. My H didn't leave because he cared about our daughter getting through her first and extremely risky pregnancy without the stress and trauma of finding out what her father had become. I was lucky because this gave me several months to work on the mess I found myself in.
Without knowing more the best thing I can tell you is that don't give up until you are ready to give up but in the meantime let your H know that you still care about him and want him to be happy whatever that takes. Let him think you have accepted his decision. I am sure you can and should get others opinions on what to do. Remember too that you know your H better than any of us and trust your instincts where he is concerned.
Know that I will be praying for you to find some peace whether that be with your H or not.
Relationships, like everything in our world work best when there is equilibrium. If one person in a relationship does all of the caring, giving, etc..., then the scales become unbalanced and sooner or later the carer or giver becomes tired of doing all the work and becomes selfish at the total expense of the other person in the relationship. Thus, the walkaway.
When a relationship is on the rocks, this same principle can apply in reverse. When one person does all of the worrying and attempting to fix the relationship, it relieves the other person of their responsibility (or capability) to work on the relationship, thus causing the see-saw to tip in one direction only. As the person who is doing all of the worrying and fixing eases off, the other person, more often than not, starts to think more about the problems and their role in causing the problems. Once the see-saw is balanced, lasting changes in the relationship can be made, together.
That is why Michele's techniques work so well. By subtly changing our habits and working on ourselves, our spouse will notice and eventually change theirs, usually subconsciously. It is important not to "throw" your changes in your spouses face or force them to change for that very reason. Remember, actions speak louder than words.
I hope I haven't confused anyone with my rambling.
Greg
[This message has been edited by gbon (edited 10-12-2000).]
I have been reading all your posts..I too am 31, we have dogs who are like our children, our H's are both named Jeff, and both of our dogs are named Booboo...
I read the letter your H wrote you that you posted under bakers thread...my H has said the same thing to me...the exact same thing...so I haven't read anything recently regarding your situation...would you mind updating?
Hi Daisy Was your post intended for me? I'm a little confused because the thread was addressed to me but you are the first post since October. I am not familiar with your situation but if there is anything I can do to help please submit another post. I will be checking back OK.
Its good to hear from you. I think of you and wonder are things are going with your marriage. Would you mind sharing and letting me know? How was your xmas.
Hi Daisy and Patience. Daisy I will look for your posting in Midlife Crisis and see if I can offer you anything.
Patience, old friend, my marriage is on very solid ground. My H has done everything he can think of to show me that he is sorry for what happened and that none of it was my fault. It still bothers me some from time to time. When it is on my mind I will say something to him that refers to that chapter in our lives and he understands that I can not just forget it ever happened although that is what he would like to have happen.
Last week we talked about it for a few minutes and I told him I just still didn't understand how he could have thought that he wanted out and that his behavior was OK. He just said that he was very stupid at that time. I think perhaps sometimes he can't beleive it ever happened either.
We are going to be just fine. He now has a job in the same building that I work in and is really enjoying it. For the first time in our 31 years we are together almost 24/7 except for the time he is working in his department and I am five floors up working in mine. He loves his job and commuting to work together. We take our breaks together and lunches. Most evenings we stop on the way home to see our little grandson and give him some special attention. He is 14 months old now and my H loves his role as Grandpa.
I know my H is grateful that I followed the DB methods and saved our marriage. He has thanked me several times for not giving up on him when I had every reason in the world to never speak to him again. He believed that when I found out he would be in the street and maybe he would have except I found this site and found hope here. The things I read made so much sense to me. My whole attitude kept surprising him and keeping him off balance.
I am sure that one thing that helped is that my H knew I would never lie to him (or anyone else for that matter). It took several months to convince him that what we were going through was not so different than what lots of couples go through. I would tell him some of the things I was learning on these boards. He found out that it was true that as soon as his affair was known to both spouses it would begin to fizzle. I told him this and he looked at me and said "they sure got that right" and said no more. So it was slowly that things turned around.
He also has said he thinks that because we didn't go through the screaming and calling each other names that we were able to put it back together. We heard a few months ago that his Ho has found another man friend. I sure hope it is not another married one. She did go through with her divorce. My H says that maybe that is the one good thing that came out of this because it was a bad and abussive relationship.
Patience I hope things are looking up for you. One thing I learned the hard way is that I could be happy with or without him. Going through these horrors changes us. It teaches us that we can do things that we never thought we could and that we must all make ourselves happy. You can't depend on someone else to make you happy. I also learned that I deserve a much better husband than the one I used to have. By the time he decided to stay home I knew that in order for me to be happy he would have to change because I would no longer live with a husband who put his jobs or anything else ahead of his marriage. Funny thing happened as I grew stronger from the rollercoaster ride. Not only did I learn what my H needed in a good relationship but I learned what I needed too. I will no longer play second fiddle to anyone or anything and he understands that. We both learned that our relationship has to come first.
One thing that I would tell young couples is that when husband and wife work different shifts no matter the reason they are doing it the marriage will suffer. It is not worth it unless it is very short term.
Patience I am going to look around here tomorrow and see if I can find out what is happening in your life. You deserve the best and I know you will find it someday.
Well my H just invited me to watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire in bed with him and I am taking him up on the offer. Goodnight All.
JW, It's so nice to see you here again. And I am equally happy that things are still going strong for you and your H.
Thanks for your update (and your words of wisdom) for us still struggling along. I believe your H is an exception to the WAW definition. He's become such a kind and caring man! I wish you continued success and many, many nights of "Who Want's To Be a Millionaire" in bed together!
Chelsea it is so good to hear from you. I was scanning the site here a few days ago and saw your posting under "surviving the big D". I can't tell you how my heart breaks for those of you who are my friends and still struggling through this most difficult and painfull time.
I wish there was some magic cure I could give you. Actually what I really wish is that you would meet some wonderful guy who would be thrilled to have the chance to show you how much you should be loved and cherished.
From what I have read unless something has changed your H becomes most interested in you after you have backed away and then when he is confident you will still take him back he splits again. Have you at any point cut him out of your life for a time and how did he react? Maybe the time will come when you will start to have a life of your own and won't be so willing to let him back. Maybe he needs this cutting of the apron strings to grow up. It might be a good thing if he has to work hard to get you back.
No matter what you decide to do please know that you are a wonderful person who knows what is important in life. Be good to yourself Chelsea. Put yourself first for awhile and your boys. They will be fine with a mom like you and you will be able to teach them what it takes to be a real man so that your future daughters-in-law and grandchildren will have happier lives.
