It was good to hear from all of you so far! Hope others will jump in... I would like to hear from others that have been Retro vets for a little while now.
Lamont and Invisible Wife, my heart goes out to you both because I know what the pain is like. Stay positive, work on you and don't let things like divorce papers get in your way. At our last Retro follow-up there was a couple there who had been physically separated for three years, each living in their own home.... and they managed to come full circle. I know, from experience, that it may not happen this way for everyone (my first marriage ended in divorce), but a change of heart can occur even after a D has been finalized. If nothing else, you can become better friends to your spouses.
Johnswife and GG - I really appreciated your comments about the positive changes that came out of your Retro weekend. I too wonder how often the old timers really do dialogue... I can see a couple of times a week just to make sure you stay connected. For us for right now we're going to be diligent because we have so much building up that needs to be done. GG - you mean to tell me that some men actually go out and pay money for flowers and bring them home to their wives? They're not just meant to be toiled over in ones own garden??? Gasp! Someone talk to my H!!
Teresa - I was glad to hear from you. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change your H now, and I know that you know that. So take care of improving you.... don't let him hear anything negative from you. When you need to vent, turn to a trusted friend, but with him, nothing but positve, cheerful stuff. Detach. It may not work, but what have you got to lose?
My H got upset the other night when our 16 y.o. lied to me. H wants to continue to withhold permission for son to get a driver's permit. He wanted to dialogue on the issue the other night using an angrily worded question that he wrote out while he was still hot under the collar, but because we're only two weeks out from Retro, I told him I'd rather not yet. I kind of felt like he wanted to use the dialogue to really let me have it, and I didn't want to spoil the good that has come from it so far. Instead, we waited 24 hours and talked a little about it, then we carefully worded a question for our son to write a letter to us, and we have written letters to our son about our concerns for him. We will all try to sit down tonight to talk it all out.
The big thing for me at this point is the waiting.... waiting to see if H will slide back into his old ways. I'm fighting that negative feeling by trying to concentrate on continuing to work on me. H is starting to get complacent, but instead of reacting, I'm just going to distance a bit and be happy doing some things I've meant to do.
Interesting.... it works.... H sleeps daytime because he works third shift. He must have noticed the distancing a little... made sure to ask me how my day really was, and he did the dishes after dinner, which is a rarity anymore. And before he went out the door to take the kids somewhere he asked, "We are going to diologue later, right?" (usually I'm the reminder) Well, the house is empty right now, so I'm going to go enjoy some quiet time.
We went in June 1999. We dialogued just about every night the first few weeks, went to all the posts. We are together, generally happy--but we haven't dialogued much lately. Skipping mpnths at a time. I agree--a couple of times a week on an ongoing basis would go far in helping us understand each other. I always come away from dialoguing feeling pleasantly surprised aobut something I learned. Later on in the posts you'll learn about embellishing the letter process--e.g.--adding a prayer--it helps a lot.
Yes--do be careful dialoguing while angry, and using "set-up" questions. I think Conflict Reoslution is in one of the last posts, so hang in there until then. I do remember we dialogued about a big conflict issue before we learned about conflict resolution--but remember the key wording of any dialogue question is about FEELINGS.
[This message has been edited by maryb (edited 10-11-2000).]
[This message has been edited by maryb (edited 10-13-2000).]
I sent my wife a email about Retro coming up in November. She wrote me a letter that said something like this. I don't want to go to Retro because they are a Catholic group and Catholics will look at me like am I bad person for wanting a Divorce. Now granted my wife was born and raised a Catholic I'm having a hard time understanding what she is trying to say. Does this sound like an excuse not to go? Please tell me if it is because if that's her only reason then she doesn't know what Retro is all about which means she didn't take the time to look at the web-site and read the info which means she just wants out and that's final.
I'm really confused by all of this and I dont know whether or not to pursue it further with my wife and make her even more mad.
If someone could give me some advice that would be great.
Lamont, Please tell your wife, that it will be quite to the contrary. The Retro people who are presenters during the weekend do not know who is Catholic and who is not, nor do they care. They will not tell her that she is bad.... they WILL tell her that they understand her pain and confusion, because everyone that leads the program in Retrouvaille has been where she is at. They will only offer her a way out of the confusion and hurt, and help her to find understanding and forgiveness, for herself first, and then hopefully for you. Everyone going into the program experiences a lot of fear.... but the Retro team does a wonderful job of putting people at ease. You and your wife will have lots of privacy too. There is no spilling your story in front of other people. You and your spouse are the only ones who know your story. Hope this helps!
Hi all. H and I went to Retrouvaille on Sept 15-17. Dialogued once the first week. WEnt to the first follow up. He then told me that the spark wasn't back and that he wanted to move out. I know he's been looking for an apt. I bet you he's going to tell me tonight that he found one and will move at the end of the month. That's where I'm at.
Re the religious aspect of Retrouvaille: it was too much for my H. We're catholic but not to the same extent as the REtrouvaille volunteers/leaders are. I must admit that I also found it a bit too religious myself. It's supposed to be for couples of all faith but it is very, very much catholic (at least where in my city).
Sorry if this is not what some of you wanted to hear. I think the Retrouvalle people do a wonderful job and I still recommend it to couples with Relationship problems. I just think it's better to be warned in advance as to how it may be. I also think that the emphasis on religion likely vary from one city to another.
To those of you who are doing the dialogue homework, keep up the good work. I wish I was in your shoes. M
