Hi Jen, Thanks for posting on my thread. I've read through your whole sitch and I sadly recall being where you are right now. It is a very difficult place to be but for me, there were a ton of things that I recognized that I needed to change about myself - whether H was coming back or not. I had to look at it that way.
The thing is, you have to be consistent in your NON-pursuit. Eventually, it becomes very natural and for me, eventually, slowly, I started to notice changes in my H's feelings about everything. You can do a search of all my old posts while we were separated - it's a pretty interesting roller coaster ride with huge ups and downs.
In a nutshell, our marital problems were largely my fault. I still take the blame for most of it because I really can't tell you what my H did wrong other than not speak up or put his foot down. Our major problem (and I didn't even know it) was our sex life. Before we separated we hadn't ML for almost a year and a half. Wow. How stupid was I for not realizing something was wrong with us. I just thought that's the way it is when you're married. We fell into routine with everything, the kids, the bills, etc...and I was unemployed at the time, home with the kids. During our separation I came to realize so many things.
The end result was that my H came back after 8 months of separation. The good stuff: our sex life is absolutely amazing -I am a different person in that aspect, and I love it - I go out with girlfriends at least once a month or more if I can. Basically, during our separation, I got alot of the old "me" back. The "me" that my H originally fell in love with. I wanted to be that person, whether H came back or not. I rediscovered myself.
As I said in my post though, I am still dealing with those darn insecurities. I do not want them to get in the way of our marriage. I can't let them.
Stay in touch. ((HUGS))
Me: 38 H: 39 DS: 6 DD: 3 Married 7 1/2 years - together for 10 Bomb - 12/17/05 MOW Bomb - 12/25/05 Separated and H adamantly wanted a D: 1/16/06 H moved back: 8/06
Last night when H brought D home from school she said "Daddys sad". I just looked at him and he shook his head so I didn't say anything. I feel for him...he's not sleeping well, doesn't see D much and works too much. So how do I show I care? Oh I nag him about something he told me he would take care of. I showed him I care by not trusting him to keep promises....oh dear!
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Jen, It is natural for the WAS to look sad. They are also going through a lot and most likely are NOT happy. My H always looks very sad (part of it is also guilt).
I'm sure your H knows that you care. You've probably told him more than once that you want to work on your M - he knows how you feel. Try to detach some more. Don't nag him about anything. Go about your own life, get involved with other activities, spend time with D, be pleasant around him, don't initiate contact and do not question him re his whereabouts. Right now trying to show him that you care will put more pressure on him and he has said he wants space. It is very difficult to implement all of this - you have to really psych yourself to just do it and you can do it!!!
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
Had another backslide yesterday. Called H and was crying because he's not interested in our M and that he was leaving and it wasn't fair to us. The usual pleading, guilt trip thing...wrong move!
So then he's trying to tell me that I haven't respected his feelings and he needs to detach and find his way in life; you know the whole I'm not happy and I can't be happy with you speel?
He's very patient with me (thank God) but I'm not sure how long that'll last. He often says "who knows maybe I'll realize that we should be together but right now I have to do this my way"
The more I look into it the more it seems like a MLC. A mutual friend said last night that H is going through Menopause LOL.
I know he's not looking for a OW and doesn't have one but he is looking for his way. I guess he feels lost.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Don't be too hard on yourself about the backslide. We all have them - it's part of the rollercoaster we are on. What your H said to you is very typical WAS talk.
You must try to detach-don't cry, plead, lay the guilt trip. It won't help your sitch AT ALL and WILL push him further away. (I have to remind myself of all this today because I'm having a terrible couple of days).
Keep up the baking. I had same sitch with H where he refused to try anything but lately he's been more open to trying. Don't pressure and do it very casually.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
May be you are right and he is in MLC. The symptoms: beady eyes, insomnia (not nesessarily, but often), 180 in style and clothes, overboard spending. Does it sound like him? And the worst is how mean, cold and unloving they become...
No wonder we cannot help crying. Just one look at him would make me well up with tears, and he hated it!
Don't beat yourself up over the backslide, nobody can avoid them. Just remind yourself that you not going to cry next time. Pinch yourself! I do:)
And yes, I think semi dark will help.
I loved your Solution Journal, btw. How about a new hair cut? or, even better, a facial? a nice long massage?
((((((((((((((loads of them:))))))))))))))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
