I wish my H would try to look more physically attractive! He calls me shallow because that is all I complain about in his opinion. "I should just learn to accept him." Sorry, but that is difficult for me to swallow since I am younger and maintain a decent figure. I know he is not going to look like the guys my age. I wouldn't want my guy to be a stud muffin because then I would have to worry about him having the affair.
Sky has pretty much summed me up, I do like action, excitement, attention, and passion. I want to live life fully. I don't want to be home watching TV and letting it pass me by. I spend 8 hours a day at the office plus then there is school. When I'm off, I want to do things. I would like to believe I am open to various things but I know that isn't quite accurate. I think the reason why I killed H's desires is that what he wants to do is BORING to me. I am not into plays, museums, and culture. To me they are just too sedentary. I think in the beginning that is what made me spend so much time with my horse, there wasn't any other option I was interested in. I know I am selfish that only consider my feelings. That is why now I'm not sure it is fair to stay married. I don't foresee myself becoming less active. For example, lately I've cut out my running during my lunch hour. H and I have been spending lunches together or because of my class schedule I don't have enough time to go. I have quit my weight training because it has caused conflict in the past. I am starting to feel uncomfortable in my clothes, which is causing me to associate it with H. I don't want to become like HIM!!!! Yes I know this is shallow…
What should I do for my H? What can I give that I haven't already? He won't explain his needs either but than again do I care. I believe I satisfy him. He doesn't complain at least. Again falls on deaf ears, I don't know. Right now I'm to the point I just don't know if it is worth it. I am trying to hold on until the counseling appointment next week. Why am I the one trying? H appears to be acting to like nothing has changed like we were a few years ago. Maybe I am totally screwed in the head. Why can't I be happy? Why does it feel like the whole world is on my decision yet if I make a decision it is wrong? Why do my actions have to impact so many people?
Funny how wasted time comes up. I keep listening to the song by the Eagles and wondering.
Yes, I've talked to the dr. H says the dr. probably only heard what I wanted him to hear. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I am having a MLC. I know I've gone off the deep end a couple of times in the last six months. Maybe that is why H is trying to save the marriage, just because he is empathetic and feels sorry for me. He has already stated that he will keep my S until he finishes high school. He told me that I can stay until I finish college so that he can support me. Why should I stay if there is the possibility that it won't last that this will happen again. I know there has to be a change or two. I'm know I am the root of the problem. So eliminate me and no problem. I'm the one who is unhappy, unsatisfied and inflicting misery on others because of it.
"What should I do for my H?" ASK HIM. Don't accept a muttered, "I don't know" or "I shouldn't have to tell you." Make a list of what he tells you, and ask him to be specific--"Go to museum once a month" is better than "Do more things together."
Of course, he'll have to be in the mood to really communicate and not consumed by resentment from your affair. Ask him if he is open to discussing this in a meaningful way, and assure him that your commitment to meeting his needs is real. Tell him you know you didn't do the best job in the past and that you want to change [if this is true, Jane].
Then you tell him, gently, if he is receptive, what you need--including attention to his physical self (be kind: "You look so good when you...")
Then, dammit, the two of you need to start doing that. It's not hard. And you don't have to agree with his needs and they don't have to be like yours. You just need to meet them, in a way that you find agreeable (and sometimes you simply give out of the goodness of your heart). The same is true for him--he should do things that please you whether he thinks he "should" or not.
"Why can't I be happy?" I suspect the clues are in your troubled past. I also think you are spiritually directionless. You need competent counseling and you need to ask God to move in your life.
"Why am I the one trying?" Because that's what mature love does. Mature love keeps reaching out, even when the other parnter doesn't seem to be doing a damn thing. Love is patient, love is kind, love doesn't keep a list of wrongs, says the New Testament.
"Why do my actions have to impact so many people?" Because you live in the world. Because you chose to marry and therefore you have a certain responsibility to try to maintain the happiness of that person (you are not SOLELY responsible for his happiness, nor he for yours, but you do have to actively contribute). Your actions matter. It's just that simple. If you act in ways that hurt others, you have to face the consequences.
That said, you can't do much for others until you are healed inside yourself. That's why I think you have a lot of internal work to do. And while you get yourself straightened out, try to do for your H as best you can--you married him, you owe it to him.
Do you all have a child together? Does your husband still want you, no matter what has happened? If either is true, you better leave no stone unturned before you decide to throw in the towel. And if you do throw in the towel on either the father of a your child or a man who loves you still, you will have to accept the consequences. They are far-reaching and they are not small.
But if you two have no children and your H is not much committted to the relationship, maybe you should both be honest with yourselves. Biblically, marriage is a convenant not to be dissolved--to do so for any reason other than abandonment or infidelity is a big no-no in that world view. But you have committed infidelity, which might just mean you aren't going to stick with your H for life no matter what.
That's the question you and only you can answer. And yes, you are faced with the burden of choice and with the consequences of the choice you make. No two ways about it.
